Can you make up stuff like this?

 

At a midnight press conference in Skunk River, Ohio, Republican Presidential frontrunner Rick Santorum confirmed that he agreed with the local Roman Catholic bishop’s announcement that his diocese would immediately begin requiring high holy mass, and full funerals with caskets, and burial in consecrated ground, to be offered for all miscarried fetuses, no matter how early in the pregnancy they occurred.

 

Bishop Colin Kennedy McCarthy discussed the ruling in a lengthly telephone conversation with Santorum before the bishop retired to his private offices to view the Academy Awards show last night.

 

Santorum delayed his press conference until the end of the late running Hollywood extravaganza as well.

 

Santorum stated that the bishop’s ruling was “long overdue” and “just a straight line extrapolation of the fact that life begins at conception.”

 

“I defy anyone to tell me the difference between a so-called fetus, and a fully developed infant, and a fifty-year old adult, or any human being, when it comes to which one is entitled to full recognition of it’s importance as a deceased member of the sacred family of man.”

 

The bishop’s original decree came after a local 40-year old woman was denied a request by her local priest to have a funeral mass and burial with casket performed for her recent miscarriage.

 

“I went to the bathroom to take a little tinkle and something didn’t feel right. Something a little extra came out and I saw it floating in the bowl. It looked sorta like a pink tadpole, but I just knew right away that it was little Alex. We had already decided to name the baby Alex whether it was a boy or a girl, so I knew who it was without having to even think about it.”

 

Upon contacting the bishop, she found him to be receptive to her desire for full funeral observations. “He said, if I can afford it, why shouldn’t Alex be given a proper burial, like all of the other children.”

 

Appearing to anticipate the next logical step in this unfolding renovation of Catholic dogma, Santorum hinted that the bishop has heard from Rome that the next revelation will be regarding the in vitro baptism of all successfully implanted embryos.

 

When pressed about the logistical complication of injecting fluid into a pregnant mother’s uterus, Santorum responded, “If man can go to the moon, I don’t think we will have too much difficulty squirting a little holy water up there to accomplish God’s work.”

 

Well . . . yes . . . we can make up stuff like this. I just did.

 

But how far from the truth is it?

 

Why hasn’t there already been a press conference discussing these exact repercussions of fundamentalist christian dogma?