I’m going to be 58 this Sunday.

I moved into my dorm at Ohio University 40 years ago this week. The Vietnam War was in full swing but nearly forgotten.

AND…all I thought about was lady parts.

Is it any wonder I have been having flashbacks recently?

The war in Afghanistan is in full swing, but it’s nearly forgotten

AND…allI I can think about are lady parts.

That’s because I learned something I had never even dreamed could be a thought in someone’s head. There are very few things that surprise me anymore, but this week’s lesson in Voodoo Vaginomics left me speechless.

I did not know about this right-to-life myth that if a woman is a victim of “legitimate rape,” her lady parts will seize up and refuse to get pregnant. I still can’t believe anyone can keep this thought inside their head without their head exploding or, at least, sprouting horns.

The facts are that when a sperm and an egg meet… it’s Gamete on!

How can people believe such nonsense that if you get pregnant it wasn’t rape?

Then I remembered that these are the same people that believed that if you tied up a woman and threw her into a body of water you could tell if she was a witch. If she floated, the water didn’t want her and she was a witch. If she sank, she wasn’t a witch, but she would probably drown…TA-DA!

Evil spirits can’t cross running water. Garlic and vampires don’t mix. Witches ride brooms. When you die, you get to be king of your own planet. Cutting out the living heart of your enemy will please your god. Poking an altar boy in the butt occasionally ain’t no big thing.

What else, what else…

The earth is 6,000 years old. You must be entombed with all your worldly wealth and possessions so you can have a good time in your afterlife. Hurricanes and planes flying into buildings are punishment for not hating queers enough. Humans coexisted with dinosaurs. Once you’ve poked enough altar boys in the butt in one parish, it’s time to move to another parish.

Here’s my favorite…you can harm an all-powerful being by refusing to believe in them. That one is usually punishable by death.

Fanatics, zealots, extremists, freaks, crazies…call them what you like, but we are butt deep in them here in America. We have both liberal and conservative freaks. Some of these folks are harmless; they seek to control themselves. It’s the freaks that want to control others that scare the dog water out of me.

Try for just a minute to imagine the brain that believes that “legitimate rape” victims can’t get pregnant. There is no mercy in that brain. It has installed a belief system that makes it conclude that there is no need for an exemption of any kind for a ban on abortion.

“That woman was abducted and gang raped, but she must have wanted it or she wouldn’t be pregnant. That 12-year-old girl that got knocked up by her uncle wants us to believe that she didn’t ask for it.”

That’s some mind, isn’t it. If you could open such a mind and look in, you would see snakes and worms.

We don’t need trials…we just wait to see if the woman/girl becomes pregnant. In the case of girls younger than the age of consent, a pregnancy would prove that the man was guilty only of having sex with a minor which, thank God, is still illegal.

So, a woman claims she was raped by a stranger that fled the scene. She must contact the police immediately and go for a medical exam and have a rape kit drawn. The police just have to wait to see if she gets pregnant before filing charges. If she’s not pregnant, they can search for the “rapist.” If she is pregnant, they make her pay for the rape kit and arrest her for filing a false police report. AND…she gets the bonus of having the rapist’s baby against her will.

It that sick world there is consensual sex and forcible rape. One can cause pregnancy and one can’t. All you have to do is wait. If the rabbit dies, you are dealing with a slut that needs to have that baby so she can learn her lesson

It’s just that simple.

By the way, Todd and the rest of you nuts, your theory only works for man-on-woman-no-condom-vaginal-penetration-to-climax rape. How on earth do we determine if any other type of rape is legitimate?

Never mind. I forgot…you don’t really give a shit if there’s no fetus to save.