My partner, Gail, and I are going on vacation.

We have been together making a mockery of traditional marriage for nearly twelve years. Before we leave for vacation, we are getting our wills, medical powers of attorney, and living wills in order. I, for one, don’t want to lie about in a puddle of my own filth in a permanent vegetative state…in some southern state.

Our goal is Key West. We want to go to a place where an unmarried straight couple won’t raise a false eyelash on a Judy Garland impersonator. Perhaps a week in Key West will be just what I need to cleanse my palette of the nasty taste of some of the crap that’s being flung about in the media by those with medieval minds.

We will have to traverse West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. If we move quickly and stop for food, gas, and lodging in well-lit places and we keep our Yankee mouths shut as much as possible, we should get through in one piece. After all, I’m missing a couple of prominent teeth and I look like one of the guys from Duck Dynasty.

In West Virginia, Mingo County Sheriff Eugene Crum died after he was shot in his car while having lunch. It is important to note that the gun used was innocent in this murder, because, as we all know, people kill people.

In a March 2012 article at iVillage (http://www.ivillage.com) West Virginia made it into the top five or bottom five (perspective being everything) worst states for women. The iVillage article analyzed health care, reproductive rights, economic success, access to affordable childcare, female representation in government, and educational attainment.

Gail likes to get through West Virginia quickly…in the daylight.

Virginia Attorney General Kenneth Cuccinelli has filed a petition with the 4th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals in Richmond asking the full 15-judge court to reconsider a decision by a three-judge panel last month that overturned the state’s sodomy law. Cuccinelli doesn’t want even straight couples to get blowjobs or butt sex…and we all remember Governor Vaginal Probe.

We will move quickly through Virginia.

Some Repubs in the North Carolina State House believe that states aren’t bound by this First Amendment wording, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” Congress can’t, the Repubs reason, but, we can. They are trying to pass a bill that would allow them to name an official religion for the state of North Carolina.

I have two words for you boys, and one of them is “off.”

South Carolina is a mixed bag.

While State Democrats have tapped Stephen Colbert’s sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, to run for an unexpired Senate seat, state Republicans are angry at their other Senator, Lindsay Graham (R), for being too liberal.

When Mark Sanford (R) was Governor, he went off with his lover to “hike the Appalachian Trail.” everybody, including his wife, wondered where the heck he went. Sanford has been tapped by state Republicans to challenge Ms. Busch for the unexpired senate term.

Type “KKK South Carolina” into Google, and you can navigate to the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan web site where you can discover that “Mikey” is the Klan’s Exalted Cyclops in South Carolina.

In South Carolina, if we stick to the east coast, we should be fine.

Savannah, Georgia is a beautiful city where people treated us like neighbors. We noticed a lot of same-sex couples walking their dogs…in broad daylight. However, the top Repub in Georgia is worried that those might be straight men pretending to be gay.

Georgia GOP Chairwoman Sue Everhart is worried about insurance fraud…

“You may be as straight as an arrow, and you may have a friend that is as straight as an arrow. Say you had a great job with the government where you had this wonderful health plan. I mean, what would prohibit you from saying that you’re gay, and y’all get married and still live as separate, but you get all the benefits? I just see so much abuse in this it’s unreal.”

Florida…Sea World, Disney, Universal Studios… Trayvon Martin, Governor Rick Scott, Pythons…orange blossoms, sunsets in the Gulf of Mexico, St. Augustine…

Florida is a melting pot of cultures. Sometimes the stuff in the pot tastes real good, and sometimes the stuff tastes real bad. All you need is a big drink of water to clean out the bad taste…right Senator Rubio?

I am looking forward to this trip. I am looking forward to spending quality time with Gail…and I am looking forward to being in a place where consenting adults stay out of each other’s business…from what I hear, Key West should fit the bill nicely.