Christmas Crazies

1:04 pm in Uncategorized by

So many crazies, so little time.

Kicking Bob Dole in the Nuts

This week, the Senate failed to ratify a United Nations disability treaty that challenged the rest of the world to live up to the standards set by Uncle Sam when it comes to how it treats persons with disabilities.

Wheelchair-bound retired Senator Bob Dole (89 and a disabled World War II veteran) supported the treaty and was on the Senate floor to ask his former colleagues to approve it.

The reasons the treaty failed…Republican Senators were worried that we were seceding our sovereignty to the United Nations…parents that home school their children would have to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act and the United Nations would force them to build elevators with Braille buttons in their homes.

BANG! The front door of the Henderson home is battered down and a concussion/smoke grenade flies through the splintered frame and rolls up against the hall tree.

BANG! The grenade goes off and the Henderson family, sitting around the dinner table playing Rook, are rendered momentarily senseless by the concussion and the swirling smoke.

TROMP, TROMP, TROMP. Blue-helmeted United Nations troops (many of them from countries were people are allowed to be black with impunity) pour into the house and throw the stunned family face down on the softly carpeted dining room floor.

“Are zere any persons vis disabilities living in zis houze,” demands a deep, heavily accented voice.

“Whaaa,” says the man of the house who is unable to speak clearly because a European-style combat boot was pressing his chin into the carpet.

“Persons vis disabilities, you vurm; are you deaf,” says the voice.

The pressure of the boot on the Father’s jaw relents, and he says, “Well baby Amanda there has trouble pronouncing the letter T and she somehow adds an R to the word milk, does that count?”

“No,” bellows the voice. “Ve vill be going now; have a nice day.”

TROMP, TROMP, TROMP. The Hendersons slowly get up off the floor and go back to playing Rook.

Reality is Highly Overrated

Speaker of the House John “Tiny” Boehner (pronounced Boner), has been making statements regarding the House Republicans and their new-found spirit of compromise. It amounts to Speaker Boehner suggesting that after President Obama won the Presidential election and Democrats gained seats in the House, Senate, and individual state legislatures that President Obama should have learned his lesson and must come around to the Republican way of thinking on all the important issues facing America.

When questioned by reporters on the Speaker’s failure to embrace reality, Speaker Boehner said, “ACK, ACK, ACK, THBBFT, THPTPTH,” and then spit up a hairball.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “Our number one goal is to make sure the 22nd Amendment isn’t repealed and that Barack Obama is only a two-term President.”

Does the Pope Tweet in the Woods

The Vatican announced this week that Pope Benedict XVI has a Twitter account. You can follow His Holiness at @Pontifex. He already has more than 110,000 followers. Some of his tweets include:

Pope Benedict XVI @Pontifex

I am blessed to be able to reach so many of you at once. #redshoesrule

Hey, I’m not kidding about condoms and birth control. #hellbound

I can’t decide between the arugula and the endive, but whatever I pick will be the right choice. #infallible

It’s Saturday night; I hope all the married couples are procreating. #sexisforbabiesonly

If it is a choice between the wine or the altar boys, go with the wine. Rehab is cheaper than law suits. #howmanytimesdoIhavetotellyou

All you women out there, knock it off with all the whining and complaining. #originalsin

Yes, Gretchen, You are Nuts

(Apologies to Francis Pharcellus Church)

Gretchen, you and your little friends Brian and Steve are nuts. You have been affected by the cash of Roger Ailes. He believes that if you tell a lie long and hard enough you can change people’s minds. He thinks that if he gets some shapely blonde women and some smiling fools to repeat his drivel that he can get his audience’s little minds to believe that up is down and black is white. Roger counts on this, Gretchen. He believes that all minds are little, whether they be men’s or children’s minds. He believes that in this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the vast knowledge of Rupert Murdock and the power of money.

A war on Christmas? No, thank God! But you and your nutty buddies are trying to make a war on Christmas real. A thousand years from now, Gretchen, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, you will still be as nutty as a Payday candy bar and still do anything for money.