Republican leadership announced today that it was willing to compromise and provide health care to all. The offer of universal Medicare-style health care was tied to an annual lottery choosing 100,000 people whose prior year income was $30,000 or less. The winners would be offered fairly to the highest corporate bidders as test subjects for new cosmetics, pharmaceuticals, experimental surgeries and enhanced organ refurbishments for those eligible. When asked, Minority Leader Boner, said eligibility for organ refurbishment should, like everything else in American society, be determined by annual income. When pressed, he said he thought income of over $500,000 per annum was a reasonable base.

In further remarks Boner stated the Republican plan would provide Medicare coverage for everyone, encourage the spirit of volunteerism and self-sacrifice, end poverty in America in our lifetimes, and enhance the contributions of those who had really made America what it is.

A tiny voice in the crowd could be heard chanting "fucking monster," but the speaker was quickly muzzled and dragged away by personnel of a private security corporation.