Governor Deval Patrick,
The State House
24 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts 02133
Dear Governor Patrick,
It’s a rainy Friday afternoon here so I thought I would drop a line.
Since you are taking requests , I too would like to be considered for an appointment to the United States Senate.
I understand that I was born in Connecticut and currently live in Florida but I did go to law school in Boston. Not the biggest or best one but the next snootiest one I could afford and it was not New England School of Law either. My father took us to visit Boston every Patriot’s day since he worked for the government and he had that day off. My grandfather was from Malden and in fact his people arrived in Massachusetts before it was Massachusetts having settled in Scituate in 1633. That side of the family, the side that does not acknowledge they’re immigrants, in fact fought for 3 whole days in the Revolutionary War. DNA similar to mine is sprinkled throughout graveyards in Massachusetts.
I am crazy about the Red Sox and yes I will agree to shake the hands of the common folk outside of Fenway even if it is snowing or raining. I would consider it an honor. Speaking of politics and the snow, did I mention that I once rode on the Green line with Mike Dukakis as we both were headed to the State House one snowy January day. Yup. He went to the State House to govern. I used it as a short cut to my law school.
You will of course want to know of my experience. Well I was an intern to a United States Senator while in law school.
It did not pay but I loved going into the office. I never saw the Senator but I’m told he appreciated my work. Let’s just say the dream will never die, although he has. Before I left, I used his auto pen to write myself a glowing recommendation so I have that for what it’s worth.
Prior to that, I was a Congressional intern for a Connecticut Congressman who is now a lobbyist. I did not pursue being a Legislative Aide because I like to get paid and eat, so I went to law school and I now occasionally get paid. I know how to get to the House basement which had a cool, cool gift shop and I know where the Senate underground train is so I can hit the ground running or riding. I also once snagged a box of M and M’s off of Air Force One when it was assigned to Clinton and I have Al Gore’s autograph. So you can see, I have more political office experience than Ben Affleck, Donald Trump, and Herman Cain combined.
As for my agenda, well, Elizabeth of course will have the whole Banking, Finance Reform, Consumer Protection market cornered. So that the delegation is diversified as far as agenda, (since she and I are both white, middle aged, female, lawyers that is the best diversification we can hope for, ) I could and would maybe just say ditto to whatever she said if you would like, except if she goes obamian and starts voicing every neocon platitude under the sun. Since Kerry will be the Secretary of State, I’m certain he will have Massachusetts’ best foreign policy interests in mind. Never know when the Wampanoags or the Naragansetts might seek the whole thing back. I know that you are a friend of the President’s so I could just go around drawing lines in the sand and then crossing them when it comes down to crunch time, for the good of Massachusetts and the Country of course. Really, I am quite flexible and agreeable to several different ways of posturing. God forbid, I could even do a Scott Brown and make my vote available to the highest private equity fund bidder while casting aspersions on standard, inconsequential, Republican clap trap which most decent people are against anyways. That way, for the folks who read the papers every other day, I will always look like a hero. However, I do need to disclose that I do not have a pickup truck ( a girl with a truck in Florida sends a whole different kind of vibe, ) and I am nowhere near as good looking as Scott Brown.
Now, I know that some folks think that no one should be appointed a U.S. Senator. Something about deliberately misreading the Constitution and denying representative government. Yikes.
And governors have been known to screw things up. Just take a look at Hawaii for gosh sake. The governor there screwed that one up big time. But come on, like Blago said, this thing is a f— ing gold mine or chicken or egg or something like that. By the way, I would not recommend you saying that if your phones are bugged, which considering the NSA and the Patriot Act, they probably are.
If you would like to meet to discuss this possibility I am available. Jet Blue has some specials I bet or we could talk forever via Vonage or email. Not Skype though. I really make a bad impression on Skype. The whole fish lens effect is not good at my age.
I would just ask for one thing in return. Could you please be the one to swear me in? I cannot stand Biden. I once wrote him a letter asking him to please shut up about not being able to change George Bush’s war plan in Iraq which of course became Obama’s and the Democrat’s war plan which is why I guess he did not want to shut up about that. I swear, if I get within two feet of his hair plugs, I am going to pull them out for the love of Anita Hill.
Hey, there’s my first campaign promise. I will fight for the people of Massachusetts starting with Biden.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Blue (which I can change to Green to please the Irish vote.)
P.S. I hope DHS knows what sarcasm is.