We are all tired. This election season is exhausting. Those working on campaigns have been clocking hours reaching the triple digits per week to help boost their candidates chances of getting elected. For the most part, an election such as this deserves a strict degree of seriousness throughout. Our country’s livelihood is at stake, the economy is still in bandages and casts, and the troops still aren’t home.
However, I feel it necessary to bring a bit of lightheartedness to the scene. Its been a long haul and a big final push towards November 2nd, so sit back and relax while I attempt to bring humor to the election cycle by grading this years most nutty candidates.
The grading scale: the classic A, B, C, D, or F
What they are graded on:
-Lack of Knowledge
So lets get to our current Crazies of 2010 . . .
JOHN RAESE – Republican Senate Candidate (WV)
Our first evaluation is a personal favorite of mine, Mr. John Raese of West Virginia. Raese is vying to fill the seat of the Late Robert C. Byrd. His opponent is the popular Governor of West Virginia, Joe Manchin III. Raese has earned the tea-party badge of courage, rallied with Ted Nugent, and been endorsed for Senator of Pennsylvania by Dean of Crazy Sarah Palin. So does Raese make the grade as a political powerhouse of crazy?
Lack of Knowledge: C+
Raese has more knowledge, unfortunately, than most of the formidable crazy opponents. The C+ score is derived from his ownership of Greer Industries, the largest Limestone producer in West Virginia. It would be generally assumed that Raese holds some knowledge of the state in general (you know what happens when you assume). However, his score was boosted by his triple (and in Palin’s eyes, quadruple) residency. He has a modest mansion in Palm Springs, whose driveway is paved in marble, where his family lives full time. His wife is, in fact, registered in Florida and unable to vote for him in his own election. Upon this he also has a house in Colorado. Lack of connection to the state you’re running in earns you bonus points and a gold star! Raese, albeit radical on the issues, has demonstrated a general knowledge about them… for the most part.
Scandal Caliber: C-
A disappointing grade for a crazy elite. Raese’s controversies revolve, primarily, around his sprawling mansion in Florida and his general elitism. There was, however, the “hicky blue collar” ad that aired for only a day or two before being pulled off air. Appearing out of touch with WV voters, and stereotyping were the culprits. This caused Raese to drop in the polls, and thus earned him an average score on this portion.
Overall Craziness: C
Raese’s crazy is derived from his radically out of touch views (i.e. opposition to minimum wage, lasers in the sky, etc.). He is the classic crazy: Scare the hell out of ‘em with your wild views while lookin’ like the good ol’ boy (he tends to rock the cowboy hate like a vandal, there are clearly a lot of ranch hands and open ranges in West “by God” Virginia). John Raese is the robber barron plutocrat crazy. One that is frightening, yes, but not outstanding in his class.
On to the next scholarly simpletons of scholastic scariness.
. . .
ALVIN GREENE - Democratic Senate Candidate (South Carolina)
Its hard to get nuttier than Jim DeMint, the gay-hating, abortion-hating, school prayer-loving, I’m just gonna run down to Honduras for a bit and see what all the fuss is about Junior Senator from South Carolina. Alvin Greene, shrouded in doubt and some cheap China-made action figures, has proven the haters wrong.
Lack Of Knowledge: B+
Alvin Greene gives some pretty unique interviews. When asked by Lawrence O’Donnell on The Last Word if he was a witch, Greene promptly responded with “DeMint started the recession.” Fair enough I suppose, everyone is entitled to their own views. I’m fairly certain that DeMint wasn’t solely responsible for the worst economic meltdown since 1929 (no matter how much I despise the guy). O’Donnell then asked a question regarding the origin of Greene’s nickname in High School, Turtle, to which Greene confidently replied “well DeMint started the recession, DeMint is responsible for the recession.” I think this speaks for itself.
Scandal Caliber: A-
(please note: This is a satirical diary and I, in now way, endorse the actions Greene is accused of. The higher grade is merely making a mockery of Greene’s candidacy)
Alvin Greene scores high in this category, with his felony obscenity charges brought against him by a University Of South Carolina woman. He apparently sent a pornographic picture to the aforementioned young woman and asked to go to her room. Alvin Greene’s refusal to comment on the allegations further mystified the entire situation. The failure of the event blowing up entirely is what prevented Greene Man from attaining the coveted A+
Overall Crazy A-
Greene is one of the most peculiar candidates we’ve ever seen in American politics. His craziness is derived from his candor and lack of educated response to anything. Greene’s robot-like seemingly programmed responses to questions make some believe him to be a tea-party in disguise, played as a counter to DeMint’s outrageously partisan views. Greene is certainly a champ when it comes to making things awkward, thats for sure.
. . .
CARL PALADINO – Republican Candidate for Governor (New York)
Paladino, the Catholic party flopper from the great state of New York is a serious contender for Valedictorian. He, however, fell short (much like his stature). From raunchy e-mails to potty breaks in debates, Paladino has no doubt enshrined himself in the New York Nutjob hall of fame forever.
Lack of Knowledge: A-
Paladino’s lack of knowledge comes not from the actual campaign rhetoric and policy views, but from his utter disregard for appropriateness in public and the way he conducts himself in front of a camera. His confrontation with a reporter where he reportedly threatens to “take him out” (and thats not for a fine seafood dinner ladies and gentlemen) is perhaps his most famous public screw-up. His lack of knowledge is further perpetuated by the “elementary school playground bully” debate requests to Andrew Cuomo via one of his ads. He plays the race card by accusing Cuomo of excluding the only African-American candidate, a sympathy plea which didn’t resonate (probably due to his e-mails detailing horse sex).
Scandal Caliber: A+
What do bestiality, overtly racist cartoons, and a slew of other smut-related videos/images have in common? They were all present in e-mails sent by Carl Paladino! No question, Paladino did extra credit with this one. A+ for no fear, sending these from a government e-mail account. What a champ! Denounces Gay pride parades while sending bestiality videos, sounds like an Ivy-League Crazy to me.
Overall Crazy: A
Carl Paladino is the new crazy, ushered in by this election cycle. Screw treading the thin red political line, Carl Paladino hops across the line so often you’d think he was the Easter Bunny. There are no limits for Paladino on the nutjob scale, yet he remains cool and confident of obtaining the NY Gubernatorial seat. Still, an A is the highest Paladino recieves. He lacks the element of crazy that would truly allow him to stand out in front of others as Valedictorian De La Crazy (tough competition when you can’t even get it despite bestiality videos). Paladino is the Tufts version of crazy, very good potential but not quite Harvard material.
. . .
And the whopper of all crazies, no surprise here. She’s what you’ve been waiting for so here you go folks…
CHRISTINE O’DONNELL – Republican Senate Candidate – Delaware
Christine O’Donnell is the Duchess of political disaster, the Princess of public gaffes, and the founding father (or mother if we’re being PC) of today’s modern political batshit crazy in American Politics. When you think of crazy, you think of Christine. Her dedication to her cause is something that can be admired by some, up until you hear her talk.
Lack of Knowledge: A+
Touting her knowledge and certifications in Constitutional comprehension, all the while not knowing what the First Amendment contains. Not being able to name a single modern day Supreme Court case during a debate, which is a token question nearly every candidate running for political office is given. Christine O’Donnell is not the new Sarah palin, her caliber for stupidity far surpasses Grizzly Momma. Palin is old news for pundits. Shove over Final Frontier thats loaded with Beer, O’Donnell is in town. Christine O’Donnell continues to dazzle viewers not by her good looks or political proficiency, but for her slip-ups and downright creepy ads.
Her lack of knowledge is further enhanced by the misinterpretation of potential voters. The now infamous “I’m you” ads run in response to witch allegations (where she actually claimed she wasn’t a witch in) will go down in the annals of American political history as one of the most misguided and stupid ads of all time. Addressing the witch situation showed a severe lack of knowledge or street smarts to begin with, but then to equate herself with the average voters… Insulting? Yes. Crazy? You bet your celibate ass it was.
Scandal Caliber: A+
Where to begin? Albeit not as raunchy as Paladino’s controversies, O’Donnell manages to hold her own quite well. Thanks in part to Bill Maher, Christine’s past has come back to haunt her (somewhat literally in the case of being a witch). From claiming to dabble in witchcraft and having a first date with someone at a satanic altar, O’Donnell has pushed the envelope on crazy several times. Evolution isn’t real, if it was why aren’t monkeys turning into humans before our eyes? A paraphrased gaffe made by O’Donnell in her earlier years that has also come back to haunt her. Chris Coons, her opponent, must be on Cloud 9 every time word breaks of another O’Donnell controversy.
To make matters worse, or better in the case of her grade, O’Donnell was found to be using campaign money to pay her rent (somewhere to the tune of $20,0000). O’Donnell has proven time and time again that she is the queen of scandal. What makes her scandals so ironic, and therefore scored so high, is that they are the exact opposite of a sex scandal. The attention towards her derives from her evangelical views against things sexual (i.e. she is opposed to masturbation). O’Donnell’s ability to find scandal and mount it like a horse (in a non-sexual way of course, yes I’m talking about you Mr. Paladino) has placed her among the top in her class.
Overall Crazy: A+
Christine O’Donnell earns the Valedictorian of Crazy. She is the epitome of American Political Nuttiness, rolled up into one evangelical Delaware woman who funnels campaign cash just to make ends meet. No America, she’s not a witch. She’s one of you. O’Donnell’s inherent crazy bursts forth like a newborn child from a womb with every word that escapes her virgin mouth. Next sitting United States Senator from Delaware? Not a chance. Continuing entertainer who will most likely be a tea party icon and travel throughout the country giving 6-figure speeches while stumping for other candidates and subsequently alienating her party affiliations even more than they already were? You BETCHA’
I hope that this has provided some of you a much needed light-hearted outlet during an otherwise hectic election season.