In Rare Interview, God Reacts to Bullshit People Say to Lose Elections

10:19 am in Uncategorized by Crane-Station

God the Father with Four Angels and the Dove of the Holy Spirit by Giovanni Francesco da Rimini

Taking a few rare moments to comment on the election, God Almighty quipped, “At first I thought it was just a rare election-cycle occurrence when asinine misogynist Todd Akin, who lost the Missouri Senate race to Clair McCaskill,” said,”

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Maybe Akin got ahold of some bad weed, I thought to myself.

“But then there was another, more egregious comment if that is even possible, when Mitt Romney, apparently unaware that the whole gazillion-dollar-a-plate dinner was being taped while most of America scraped cat hairs off food that they had dropped on the floor, Mitt Romney said, …”that 47 percent of Americans are dependent on government” and see themselves as “victims.”

” I called my Son and asked about the 47-percent-sure-to-lose-the-election comment: “I do say, my dear chap, I find this hard to believe.” And He said, “Aren’t those the same 47 of people in combat, the young, the old, the sick, and the people who paid more into social security that You or I have ever contributed together since Time began.” “Yup,” replied God. “Then, when Romney said something about killing the protected birds the likes of the Decorah Eagles, paving the Saguaro Desert for a WalMart to abuse more workers, and, just in general fucking up and drilling in Federal parks without even a backward glance while doing away with the likes of the FDA so even more people can die of agonizing fungal injections and listeria-tainted bagged lettuce from a factory that contained the likes of rat hairs, that was it for Me. So, he lost.”

“Not that Obama is much better than Romney, but I did phone Satan last night to discuss placement for folks with such ideas, and he told me he’d already put out a “No Vacancy” sign in Hell because he doesn’t have the resources to deal with such things, so now I am stuck with evils, the lesser of these evils and the things they say and do. People who ‘oops-shit’ and ‘America-fuck-yeah’ blow up wedding parties for no reason at all, by the way, are the lesser of two evils, believe it or not,” continued God, now on a roll. “Lesser or greater of evil or not, both presidential candidates seemed unconcerned with Hell because of, in My view anyway, their collective want to create Hell right here on Earth,” said God, now with tears in his eyes. He added, “The very Earth I created, to be cherished and respected and not no be turned into a fucking war-torn garbage heap.”

“And then…and then..” God, continued, red-faced and now pounding his fist on his Heavenly Table, said, “there’s this Mourdock freek, who lost in Indiana, if you don’t mind, said, and I quote, “After all, Mary was raped, so all rape is God’s will.”

” Then there was that grotesque miscreation Inhofe, who, balls-to-the-wall denies climate change while standing under (I swear) melting street lamps. Oh, no, there’s no global warming. It’s 80 degrees in November and we have had several tornado warnings already. The Arctic is also melting right before My eyes.”

“I could go on for hours. Who was that horse’s ass who claimed on Facebook that the Onion ‘Abortionplex’ was real?”

“Rather than ramble because since I am God I can go on forever, perhaps others can share some insane comments people have made during elections. I have one more local one. (Shit like this only happens in Paducah) I won’t name the guy, because I worked on his election for District Court judge, but literally as I was placing signs in the middle of nowhere at the edge of the county, urging voters to vote for him (I will not name him here, but he was popular) here are the words that came forth from his mouth: “Kill a cop, shoot a cop, vote for ____ _____.”

Photo by edenpictures of Flickr under a Creative Commons license