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(photo: BryanAlexander/flickr)
How well do you know your family and friends? Or rather, how well do your family and friends know you?
I would wager that none of you know as much about each other as you actually think you do.
For the last 2 1/2 months, I have been in New Hampshire, going through my sister’s things after her sudden heart attack and death. What I have discovered is that no matter how well I thought I knew her, there are all sorts of little ways that I find where I did not know her quite as well as I had thought. There was her recent change to a gluten free diet. There were all the foodie related email and magazine subscriptions she had. And there was her selling of beloved antiques in order to stay alive.
I knew she had arthritis and suffered from repetitive stress injuries. I did not know she had decided last summer that she could no longer go kayaking.
I did decide as I have gone through her papers that I would just shred her medical records without doing more than glancing at them. I figure that I don’t need to know more than the basics of her ailments and felt that shredding was the logical thing to do since no one else needs to know her information either.
I have also realized these last few weeks that it is probably a good idea for me to start getting my own paper work into shape; shredding things that are in the “nunya” category and putting the rest of the things in order. I’ve actually been helped along a bit with Cissy’s papers and things as she had laid out some fairly explicit instructions for the disposal of her life in her Will and her Living Trust, both of which she set up when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in ’03.
One area where I am kind of looking forward to learning more is when I get a chance later to review some of her journals. She took some courses at various local universities here in New Hampshire that included self-assessments and I look forward to reading her thoughts on herself as well. On top of this, I am also kind of looking forward to reading the journals of our grandmother and mother, journals that Cissy had saved after our father died and we cleaned out his apartment. I’m sure there will be a lot more areas where I learn things about loved ones that I had never known.
I wonder what my family and friends will learn about me when I’m gone? What will surprise your family and friends?
64 Comments
Yes, it is morning. Saturday morning even.
Good morning.
As a private person, I have no desire to know details of friends/relatives lives and anathema that they should know about mine, except what I choose to reveal.
Good Saturday morning dakine.
Thank you for the post today.
But that is kind of my point – you may not have any say in the matter after you have passed away.
Oh for the last couple of years my mother and I have been comparing notes on what was supposed to be “family common knowledge” only to find that what each of us thought to be true was in fact quite different.
More people need to do this while they still can.
Dakine, I knew you had been a bit out of pocket, but I had not heard about your sister. Im sorry for your loss; thanks for letting us in. Very difficult times. I went thru a similar thing with my own sister about 5 years ago….so many memories and, as you say, discoveries. Peace and prayers….
Just as they may have no choice in the information that becomes known to whomever is handling their estates and things.
It is one of those areas few of us are ever really set to deal with until forced to do so
Hmmm…. I don’t know if anybody will experience and revelations about me after I’m gone. My life is pretty much an open book for anybody who pays attention to what goes on around them. I never cared much for family gossip and so forth so there may be some surprises forthcoming if anybody survives me but since I plan to outlive them all, the question would be moot. :)
Good morning!
After having the experience of dealing with three different estates so far, I am reminded of the lyrics to the song “My Way” as in “Regrets, I have a few…”
There are many I wish…
I wish that I would have taken the time to go through the pictures that I have in a box without knowing the names.
I wish that I had sat down with my mother who it turns out was quite a historian and learned more about our family tree, but never had the time.
I wish…
what a beautiful piece, dakine. i wasn’t aware of your loss. (((dakine)))
dakine, I’m sorry for your loss.
I have a few things squirreled away here and there. Private things that carry meaning for me but probably won’t translate for anyone else. Other than that I’m an open book.
what is the photo of at the top of the post?
I am in that survivor spot, and I frequently miss being able to ask some questions….like when someone was born, etc. or known gossip, for instance. Really no one to ask anymore….
I still haven’t sorted through all the pictures that I have from my folks. I have however, sorted through most of the pics Cissy had and have been passing them on to the various others in them. Fortunately, I am acquainted with many of her friends so that has gone fairly easily
But see that’s the thing – even when you are “an open book” there will be things that will surprise the folks going through your life. Cissy and I had always been open with each other about most things and being siblings, we could always call on each other.
She had foot surgery years ago when I was living outside Boston and each week I would come up and help her out and do things for her that she couldn’t bring herself to ask of her friends but she could ask her brother to do.
It may be little things as I mention in the post or may be things like discovering the writing she has done over the years to help her heal emotionally from whatever life had given her.
But there will be surprises.
dakine, excuse my thoughtlessness. I am sorry for your loss.
Just a picture I found on flickr of some chairs that can be pulled up.
Being in that stage of life, I’m busy throwing out.
I was executrix on 2 estates. There wasn’t much personal in them, but I threw out what there was.
After I’m dead, my feelings about privacy are irrelevant.
I share Kris’ and gw’s feelings dakine, sorry for your loss. Though I have a very strong, healthy heart, one of my worst fears is one of those sudden heart attacks that happen to people with apparently strong, healthy organs. I mean, I don’t get all obsessive about it or anything but it’s something that crosses my mind from time to time.
Yeah, I still find myself making mental notes to ask Cissy about something then going, “Oh wait, I can’t do that anymore.”
I see. There are two things that I’m sure nobody in this world knows exist in my home, and nobody in this world but me and 1 other person have seen.
The transcripts from my testimony against the man who molested me when I was five. I was 7 at trial and questioned extensively. I obtained a copy of the transcript (110 pages) when I was in my late teens and read and made notes in places of my thoughts.
My 4th step from AA is in a journal in my room. 27 pages of my deepest and darkest crap. A searching, fearless, moral inventory. I shared it in its entirety with my sponsor during my 5th step, but that’s it. I’m sure someone would stumble on it when I’m gone. If they bother to read it they’re in for a shock.
It’s a precious period of time. I personally am going through and digitizing my still-lving, and seriously declining 97 year old father’s 35mm slides. Talk about memories and new discoveries! Yes, dakine, these are the real bits of life.
It’s pretty rare these days but sometimes I still find myself looking for my Dad’s face in the crowd at an Astros home game that I’m watching on television. His seat used to be behind first base…
for the first time for me, most of this year i’ve been dealing with health issues. i don’t have my house or my paperwork in order. it’s an idea whose time has come.
Exactly….and since my sister was older, she always had more information and an opinion(s)…
Yikes! I didn’t know you’d been molested as a child. There’s a revelation about you and you didn’t even have to die. See there? Now you can live forever.
Cissy’s death was from a sudden heart attack but after the fact, it appears her heart was probably not all that healthy. The ME did not make a direct connection but a little research showed there is a correlation between folks having chemo treatment for cancer and developing heart disease and she had an aggressive chemo treatment for her breast cancer back in ’03
But I think it might be easier on both individuals and families for the sudden death from disease rather than the long, drawn out process from a chronic disease(s)
i’m so sorry that happened to you kris. and so glad that you’ve grown up to be the fine person you are.
Cissy did have most of her paperwork in order since she had set things up when she had the breast cancer but even then, there were some holes that I discovered. And secrets.
Me too and me either. Apart from a bare bones will, I don’t own enough to cause any serious issues when I’m gone. As for my health issues, I got some good news about that this week. My symptoms could have been caused by something annoying or something deadly, (which my dad died of). In my case, it turned out to be the annoying one.
one of my best friends developed congestive heart disease from the chemo for her breast cancer. it’s slowing her down quite a bit these days.
Kris,
You are to be admired for what you dealt with.
Those are two issues a lot of people could not or would not be able to be so open about.
i’m glad to hear it’s not your sister’s place. after reading the two links in your post, i wouldn’t have expected her to be living in such a sterile looking place.
For almost 2 years. He was a neighbor.
He went to prison for 7 years over it. Then got out and targeted an autistic child in his new neighborhood. I agreed to testify against him when I was 16, but he copped a plea. 23 years that time. In California you have to serve 85% of a sex offense sentence, so the way I figure it he’s got another 8 or 9 years in prison, if he’s alive.
((gw))
In retrospect, Cissy’s friends have noted that she seemed to be a bit more frail the last few months which was probably a message from her body of the heart disease.
That’s a philosophical question that I’ve wrestled with. Both my parents had protracted diseases but almost all of my friends who have died have done so very suddenly. Dunno which is worse but neither of them could be called especially easy. I try to live my life without regret but I’m just not wired that way. If I wasn’t plagued by regrets, I’d be the world’s happiest person.
that must be a huge relief to you to know.
seriously unsavory character.
I’ve done a lot of healing around all of it. I also believe there are lessons to be learned, if not from what happened to me, then from how I dealt with it.
So many people carry around so much shame and hate their entire lives. They end up depriving themselves of love and beauty, while depriving others of what they may have to offer.
Last year, during the Sandusky dust-up, another child sex abuse survivor created a small ‘Memorial’ forum on DKos. She invited survivors and family or friends of people who didn’t survive to write letters, tributes, etc. I wrote a letter to the child that I was. That sealed the deal on my journey.
It’s on the internet somewhere in that DKos piece. Maybe I’ll post it as a diary here some day.
Good morning all. Thanks for the thoughtful post and host dakine.
i’d love to read that diary. please shoot me an email if you post it so i’ll be sure not to miss it.
How awful for you! I remember when I was living in California, there was a newspaper story about a guy, named (Singletary I think), who had taken a little girl out to the desert, raped her, hacked off her arms at the elbows, destroyed her entire face with acid, set her on fire and left her for dead. California was at the point at which by law they were forced to release him on parole. A couple of pages back, there was a story of a young man in LA who had just been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for his third conviction for possession of 5 grams or less of crack cocaine. In retrospect, that’s when my pride at serving the society into which I was born took a nosedive.
Good morning, friends. Dakine, I had read your posts about Cissy at the time, and you have my sympathy for your loss.
I’ve gone through most of my “stuff” and have gotten rid of anything I don’t want my kids to see — fairly innocuous stuff, but still… And I’ve tried to make sure to keep medical info, and actually completed a Family Health Portrait so that my kids have info about things they may inherit.
Other than that, I often think about disposing of my parents’ belongings after their deaths and how long it took simply to clear their house of many years of accumulated things of no value either to my sister and me or to anyone else.
Yep. I felt like I got a reprieve from the governor, (NOT that my governor has ever granted anyone a reprieve…).
Kris,
You are to be admired and I do admire you for what you have accomplished.
Your family is very lucky.
Oh no! Her condo has quite a bit of character from the hardwood floors on the diagonal, to the light blue on her kitchen cupboards. The realtor I’m using thought it was a unique look and the woman that will be doing the estate sale remarked at the mix of good items, both old and new.
Most of her kitchen things are top line, heavy duty. Three different iron skillets (#2, #6 and #10) and more pottery than probably any three or four others combined.
I have to get our of here and drive about an hour to watch my granddaughter play in a baseball tournament. If I do not leave now, I will never make it.
Have a great weekend everyone!
Yeah, Cissy and I had to do a blitz of things after our father died. We had a little help from some cousins but mostly it was the two of us going through everything in about 3 days time.
I’ve actually had the luxury of taking my time going through Cissy’s things and make sure her friends get a choice of items and pictures before I sell to the world. I still have another 4 to 6 weeks up here getting things sold and settled.
your governor has sentenced us to the apocalypse. i spent yesterday at the hearings at the capitol where approval was given for the first shipments of nuclear waste by the commission overseeing the nuclear waste dump in west texas. brought to you by governor perry, recipient of mucho largesse from the owner of the waste dump, one harold simmons.
it was especially galling to see them laughing collegially as they worked. the dump is over the ogallala aquifer which supplies water to most of the nation’s wheat growing areas. all the staff at the texas commission on environmental quality working on this issue strongly recommended against the site, were overruled by higher ups and all quit.
i give you exhibit A in the case against your governor.
Thanks but don’t need any exhibits to convince me what an asshat he truly is.
Mornin pups, Dakine. Your post stimulates my ambivalence over stuff. Some days I want something, a new phone for example, most days I would like to be rid of nearly everything. Two spoons, two plates, a bowl, two cups, a small motorhome/camper again. This house I bought last year allowed me to accumulate (garage sale stuff) Now I am tired of the lawn, garden,extra car, motorscooter, 3 bikes. etc, etc. My new smart phone gives me the world at my fingertips no matter where I am. Not even any library fines since Ebooks return themselves. The thrill for me is the liberation from stuff. I guess I have to get the stuff first to enjoy the getting rid of. I am now in the liberating mode.
Good morning, all. dakine1, I send my condolences for your sister.
My comment is OT, but, greenwarrior you hit me in my largest anger spot. We have “leaders” that can’t see past their wallets. We are killing ourselves with the disposal of toxic wastes, nuclear wastes, attacks on our aquifers, fracking, nuclear radiation into the atmosphere (both water and air), and drilling for oil (0 is reopening the Gulf of Mexico and northern Pacific). Eventually there will be no plants, no animals, and no people. The inheritors of the earth will be the kochroaches.
Sorry for the rant. Now back to the regular programming.
Yes politics are forbidden at PUAC Saturday but this may be a luxury we can no longer afford. We are whistling past the graveyard in so many ways now. I console myself for if I am to be old, and I am, this is a good time to do it. I dunno what the young think, I believe I would be terrified. Maybe we are unconsciously terrified into inaction.
oops! apologies. i forgot about the no politics at PUAC.
My sister and I were able to take a bit longer than a “blitz” but not as long as you, and it was still very time consuming. We actually did this when our mother was still living, because when my dad died we discovered that mother wouldn’t be able to live alone. So we moved her into assisted living in her old home town, where she’d be near old friends. My sister and I both had full-time jobs and mother would have known no one in either location.
Then we set out to dispose of their things and sell the house. My parents lived through the depression, so we found lots of things tucked away, like styrofoam meat trays (to dump coffee grounds), old rubber tub mats, etc. It was both sad and funny, the stuff we found!
Well, it has been a luxury to move this slowly on things, that’s for sure. With Dad, we didn’t have to sell a house, just go through an apartment (albeit a large apartment) that the family had lived in for more than 25 years.
I got Cissy’s condo listed for sale a couple of weeks ago as it took that long just to get Wells Fargo off the schneid. The sale of the condo contents will probably be in early August.
a bitter sweet post dakine01, it was great becoming a deeper part of your life, it was terrible wondering what you are going through.
peace
Annoying is always better than deadly.
Well, you done good. Cybernetic hugs for what you had to go through and kudos that you came through it so well.
Dakine, a good, thought-provoking post. Chekhov said that we all have secret lives and I would venture that even people who believe their lives are open books have things about them that few or others know. These things could be good, bad or a mixture of the two, but there are almost always things we keep to ourselves.
Both of my parents are elderly, so I’ve been putting some effort into planning what to do when the time comes so that when it comes I won’t have to deal with procedural ineptitude as well as emotional anguish.
I haven’t been able to put much time into this project in the last few years because I was fighting, along with other members of my teachers’ union, to save as many of our jobs from budget cuts as possible. Now that my job is one of those that were spared, I can return to this project.
Life is a Kafka novel.
Or is it existentialist?
I don’t know. Do you know?
thanks, dakine01. this is something most of us will have to do, and my 98 year old mom’s household will be mine to dispose of. Funny, I think I know most there is, but lately she’s been telling some of her early history, and what is disturbing is that the stories change. Were they prettied up, or are they now? We never will know. What I’ve been able to cope with is that family history isn’t what we think it is, and doesn’t stay what we remember.