Scene:  A cafe.  One table is occupied by a group of Vikings wearing horned helmets.

Whenever the word “war” is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting.

A man and woman enter.  The man is played by Eric Idle, the woman is played by Graham Chapman (in drag), and the Secretary of State is played by Terry Jones, also in drag.
high school tee
Man:   You sit here, dear.

Woman:          All right.

Man:   Morning!

Secretary of State:     Morning!

Man:   Well, what’ve you got?

Secretary of State:     Well, there’s sanctions and prosecutions; sanctions drone strikes and prosecutions; sanctions and war; sanctions prosecutions and war; sanctions prosecutions drone strikes and war; war prosecutions drone strikes and war; war sanctions war war prosecutions and war; war drone strikes war war prosecutions war cyber war and war;

Vikings:           War war war war…

Secretary of State:     …war war war sanctions and war; war war war war war war targeted assassinations war war war…

Vikings:           War! Lovely war! Lovely war!

Secretary of State:     …or a United Nations resolution combined with infiltration, a USAID fake Twitter application, a CIA overthrow, trained enhanced interrogators and with crippling sanctions on top and war.

Woman:          Have you got anything without war?

Secretary of State:     Well, there’s war sanctions drone strikes and war, that’s not got much war in it.

Woman:          I don’t want ANY war!

Man:   Why can’t she have sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes?

Woman:          THAT’S got war in it!

Man:   Hasn’t got as much war in it as war sanctions drone strikes and war, has it?

Vikings:           War war war war… (Crescendo through next few lines…)

Woman:          Could you do the sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes without the war then?

Secretary of State:     Urgghh!

Woman:          What do you mean ‘Urgghh’? I don’t like war!

Vikings:           Lovely war! Wonderful war!

Secretary of State:     Shut up!

Vikings:           Lovely war! Wonderful war!

Secretary of State:     Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can’t have sanctions prosecutions war and drone strikes without the war.

Woman:          I don’t like war!

Man:   Sshh, dear, don’t cause a fuss. I’ll have your war. I love it. I’m having war war war war war war war targeted assassinations war war war and war!

Vikings:           War war war war. Lovely war! Wonderful war!

Secretary of State:     Shut up!! Targeted assassinations are off.

Man:   Well could I have her war instead of the targeted assassinations then?

Secretary of State:     You mean war war war war war war… (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings:           (Singing elaborately…) War war war war. Lovely war! Wonderful war! War w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r war w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-r war. Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! Lovely war! War war war war!

 

 

No actual diplomats were harmed in the making of this production.

Picture from Robert Couse-Baker licensed under Creative Commons