Winner – Lena Dunham, now the viral video Obama Girl 2012 along with monster book advance – I feel a bad Foreigner hit coming on…Loser – Donald Trump, still finding ways to look ridiculous post-The Apprentice
Winner / Loser – Richard Mourdock, finding the positive side to Richard Speck and Albert DeSalvo, and portrayed as Voldemort on Stephen Colbert, has earned himself a lucrative earlier-than-expected post-congressional Fox career.
Maybe Winner – Katy Perry? Or Barack Obama? Or both? Or Michelle? Was it only a fundraiser? Is Barack/Michelle divorce on or off again? Is “Kissed a Girl” about Mee-shelle? is that Hawaiian retirement love nest still in the offing for January? so many questions, so little time…
Winner – Google ads, sucking the profit out of media since 1999. All your click-throughs are belong to us.
Losers – non-swing states. Letterman used to send gazebos to towns to spice them up – maybe he can send swings to make them feel better. What’s that? Oh, never mind.
Winners – Roman centurions and Hessians – GOP congress assured to quadruple budget for heavy horses and riflery, in order to #OccupySesameStreet.
Losers – Big Bird in Benghazi safe house as we speak, while Congressional militants surround – one targeted drone strike away from a frozen TV dinner.
Winner – Candy Crowley – now leading both male presidential candidates in latest Gallup poll.
Loser – Bob Schieffer – even less exciting than his year 2000 low. Perhaps might consider Hollywood – can take comfort in how Lugosi handled his later career.
Winner – Nate Silver, the demigod rockstar of pollsters, now Big Data crunching local nano-targeted polls and NSA eavesdropped data to accurately predict what you’re buying as Christmas presents.
Loser – truthiness. The need to be truthy is a vanity we no longer need to suffer, nor pompous factcheck.org – from “evolving” on issues to just reversing them, with a makeover, we can wash that man policy right out of our hair, immediately. Got the facts wrong? What-ever. Leading to:
Winner – Etch-a-Sketch. Suffering in the shadows of Orwell’s Memory Hole since its 1959 debut, Etch-a-Sketch made a surprise breakout earlier this year, and since then its appearance on talk show circuits and TV debates has been non-stop.
Loser – House, Senate and Governor races. Oddly, there are other elections this year besides President. Sorry guys, we decided to put that $2 billion+ media spend into our American Idol finalists. Consolation prize – you’re on the same ballots when early voting takes place – maybe you’ll see some trickle down effect on the ballot.
Winner – white guys. Proving when we work hard & put in a gutsy performance, we can still win. And when we just show up and parrot our opponent, we can still win. God, I love Being White.
Loser – Paul Ryan. Going from the party’s he’s-so-smart rockstar policy wonk to “the CEO’s nephew I was told to hire”, a fast trip from the boardroom to the mail room. Hey Paul, care to detail that Medicare plan again? Thought not.
Winner – US withdrawal from Afghanistan, marijuana legalization – November 7.
Loser – Social Security, November 7.