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And The Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award Goes To …

By: GregoriusU Monday July 29, 2013 7:01 am

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  • TADAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Carlos Danger?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!

(AR)Anthony J. Wiener, candidate for Mayor of New York City, was presented today with the Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award at being a dick. The award, named for Anthony Wiener after his last Twitter flashing scandal, was presented to Wiener after the story of his latest sexting fiasco went pubic … err, public. Mr. Wiener said that weathering his latest crisis will make him a better mayor, and when presented with the celebratory brass phallus and balls, said, “Aww, guys, you shouldn’t have. Seriously, you shouldn’t have.”

Actually, Anthony–YOU shouldn’t have! You want to be a better mayor? STOP HAVING S**T FOR BRAINS!

(Note to self: find Anthony Wiener’s Porn Name Generator.)

I realize that this week’s cartoon isn’t very complex, but after I saw John Cuneo’s New Yorker cover, I realized that nothing could top it. This is one cover that really stands out, up and out there!

In any case, it is time to announce my summer hiatus. From August to early September, I will either be prepping for conventions or actually attending them. I will be at Otakon at the Baltimore Convention Center, August 8-11, where I will have pictures in the Art Show and will be taking pictures of cosplayers and having a good time. August 23-25 will see me at Intervention Con, at the Hilton Washington DC/Rockville, in Artists Alley. And from September 13 through September 15, I will be at AnimeUSA at the Washington Wardman Park Marriott, once again in the Art Show and schmoozing. We will return on September 23 and we hope we will have an ADDITIONAL FEATURE to share with you then! Watch this space and my Facebook page for further announcements!

Fred and Bert Squirrel join me in wishing you a great summer! See you soon!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

 

The Jackass–a species that will never be endangered in Texas

By: GregoriusU Monday July 15, 2013 7:35 am

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  • Vaginas–the only weapon they believe in regulating in Texas

Called back to a “Special Special” session to protect women from the sin of abortion, Texas legislators were protected by police who confiscated objects that might be thrown at them. Tampons. Maxi-pads. “Imagine the humiliation we might have suffered by being hit in the face with a feminine product,” Texas State Senator Hugh Jass said. “It’s a good thing we didn’t have to draw our weapons to defend ourselves against these marauding fee-males who want to kill babies.”

Governer Rick “Good Hair-do” Perry defended the measure. “They say that this law will force women to have illegal abortions. I say that history will prove them wrong. They’ll be forced to stay barefoot and pregnant and have them little dickenses like the Good Lord intended.”

Perry shot off his six-shooter in celebration of the law’s passage. He said that this would guarantee his place in Texas history books. “That and my record of signing 263 execution orders,” he quipped. Perry will not be seeking a fifth term as governor, but may consider a run for the Presidency in 2016. That is, if he can remember that third department he’d close.

In other news, the prosecution sighed with relief as George Zimmerman was acquitted of 2nd degree murder in the death of Trayvon Martin. “Thank goodness,” prosecutors said, “we could have gotten a manslaughter conviction standing on our heads.”

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Scalp um, Swamp um, We will take um big score!

By: GregoriusU Monday July 8, 2013 7:21 am

130708-redskins

  • 91% of all Dallas Cowboys fans would approve of this name change.

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n'Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ‘em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football :) )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

By: GregoriusU Monday July 1, 2013 6:26 am

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  • Razzle-Frazzle!

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Edward Snowden, Sentenced to a Lifetime of Hiding for Telling the Truth

By: GregoriusU Monday June 24, 2013 7:28 am

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  • Well, we’d hardly lob missiles into a non-enemy country … would we?

Once upon a time, Adam and Eve lived in a beautiful garden called Paradise. The caretaker of the garden, a being called God, told them that everything in the garden was good and wonderful. They had dominion over everything in it, as long as they did not eat from a certain tree called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If they ate of the tree, God said, they would surely die.

But the fruit of the tree looked good, as everything else in the garden was, and they wondered why there should be one thing in Paradise that didn’t seem to be as good as everything else. And a serpent heard them and said, “Oh, you will not die if you eat the fruit, but you will understand good and evil, just like God.” God, it seemed, knew that there was both good and evil in the garden even though he kept saying how everything in the garden was beautiful, and kept trying to chase the serpent out of the garden, and the serpent was tired of it.

So Adam and Eve ate the fruit and lo, their eyes were opened. And they looked around the garden. And what they previously thought was all good, they now saw as corrupt. There was fruit that was poisonous, animals that killed and ate the others and maggots fed upon the remains. Yes, there was still much good, but there was equally much evil. And they were sad and ashamed, because they could no longer believe in the pristine beauty of the garden and so Paradise ceased to be. And because of this, they hated the serpent, and now whenever people see snakes, they try to kill them, whether they be venomous or not.

It doesn’t matter–it was the serpent who destroyed Paradise, they said.

I’d watch my back the rest of my life, Edward. A nation that lies about spying on its own citizens will be relentless in taking revenge upon the man who showed it. And to Nancy Pelosi and the other Democrats who think it’s OK because a Democrat is in charge–ask me again in 2016…

Disclaimer: I’ve bought things from Hong Kong and the UK during the past year (art supplies, LEDs, old records)–does that mean I’m a potential target for surveillance? Hmmmmm?

We’re back after two successful convention at AnimeNext in New Jersey and Anime MidAtlantic in Virginia. My thanks to the organizers of the events and to everyone who stopped by my artist alley table to admire (and sometimes buy) my work :) And thanks to all my friends who made the events so enjoyable (too many to name!) and to all the cosplayers who had such marvelous costumes! No more conventions until August! I shall be attending Otakon in Baltimore (with art for sale in the Art Show) and will be in Artist Alley for InterventionCon in Rockville MD. See you next week!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Benghazi!–IRS!–He Bowed to Someone!–His Tie is Crooked!–Scandal! Scandal!

By: GregoriusU Monday May 20, 2013 8:14 am

130520-scandal

  • O, my stars! I’m fixin’ to have the vapors!

Do I really need to go into this? I think my cartoon expresses the ho-hum attitude the American people have for the incessant attempts to find some kind of scandal on a President who, as far as we know, has never even THOUGHT about getting a blowjob from an intern. These scandals like Benghazi never stick not because Barack Obama is made of teflon (like Ronald Reagan) but because despite something BAD happening, there has been no wrong-doing.

About the IRS singling out the Patriot and Tea Party groups for investigation–well, I have one thing to say–wouldn’t YOU take a good look at groups whose extreme members claim that the income tax is illegal and unconstitutional? It has nothing to do with Democratic/Republican politics, but it does have a lot to do with the politics of “No Taxation” which these groups tend to espouse. I’ll bet that Fox News wouldn’t look twice at singling out–oh, I don’t know, say, groups with names in ARABIC–but racial profiling is part of their thing.

None of these lances the fright-wing has thrust have made the slightest dent in Sir Barack’s armor — or honor. There ARE scandals (I am indebted to an article that I can’t find right now for this) that should have–the secret drone war, the killing of American citizens without due process–but these will never be blown up into proportion by Fox News because it LIKES those kinds of things. So instead, the Republican elephants are trumpeting over mice. ‘Nuff said.

I want to remind everyone that I will be at AnimeNext in Somerset, NJ the weekend of June 7-9 and Anime Mid-Atlantic in Chesapeake VA, June 14-16. I will be in Artist Alley in both and also giving panels on inking and planning your manga at Anime Mid-Atlantic. Please come and say hello!

And a note to my Firedoglake viewers–somehow I forgot to upload last week’s cartoon–please check it out at:

The “Obstacle Course” to Citizenship

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

By: GregoriusU Monday May 6, 2013 5:48 am

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  • Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)
  • (IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

    “I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

    “Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

    After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

    NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
    Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
    Yours alwaysnever again,
    Greg

    You mean Chechen ISN’T the Czech Republic?

    By: GregoriusU Monday April 29, 2013 6:04 am

    130429-LAPIERRE

    • “Too soon?” “No, too late–did you ever taste Wayne’s mom’s cooking?

    “Well, despite all the additional help by CNN, doing their best imitation of the kids down the block watching “what’s going on with all the cop cars,” the forces of the law managed to deal with the alleged Boston bombers. I say “alleged” for a reason. Even though Tsarnaeva made a confession, we are still in America–presumed innocent until proven guilty. That’s why careful news coverage still refer to him as a suspect. We will exempt, of course, exempt the New York Post from any taint of carefulness in their news coverage. Thanks to CARELESS news coverage, there’s at least one other victim of the Boston bombing–Sunil Tripathi, who was misidentified as the “white hat” bomber due to crowd sourcing on Twitter and Reddit. Crowd sourcing, in matters of life and death, often resembles a lynch mob. Although I have not seen any speculation, there’s a pretty good chance that some person or persons found Tripathi and executed lynch mob justice. And, just like in The Oxbow Incident, they got the wrong man.

    There was another wrong man who seems to have been arrested–at least in the news coverage–before he was discovered to be a person of no interest rather than a person of interest–that Saudi student whom even Fox News recognized was selected by “racial profiling.” This poor guy ran AWAY from the blast–like many of us would have done–after all, your first response in a dangerous situation is your own safety. Once you realize there are no pieces missing (as was the case with so many unfortunate people who were close to the explosion)–then you can help others (I am constantly amazed at the bravery of police who ran TOWARDS the blast instead of away). I think he may have had more than safety from the explosion to worry about.

    After all, if the police, the FBI, the media, were all racial profiling, what about the crowd? How many of them immediately suspected it to be the work of some Middle Eastern radical? What if the right person–that is to say, the WRONG person–saw that student running away. That student risked getting beaten at the very least if he stuck around.

    But what if, as in Wayne LaPierre’s America, there were “good guys with guns” in the crowd? That student wouldn’t have had a chance.

    We should all thank Congress for not passing even the mildest of gun regulations so that Wayne’s vision will come true.

    And on a completely irrelevant note–”What would Batman call the Boston Marathon Bombing suspect?”

    He’d call him, “Jo-Kar!”

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS