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They’ve done it again at Abercombie and Fitch–no, I’m not referring to the Asian Joke T-shirts of a couple of years ago, although, considering how much Japan was in the news a few weeks ago, Abercrombie’d probably think they’d be deluged with orders! But perhaps the timing isn”t that good–Japan isn’t in the headlines that much anymore, so things must be hunky-dory over there by now–after all, the excess radiation levels WEREN’T 10,000,000 times normal, only 100,000. Better just hire Gilbert Gottfried on retainer and wait for things to really get bad!

No, what I’m referring to is the new padded bikini top for Abercombie Kids. Padded Bikini Tops for Tweens! Just what we needed. If we were a nation of PERVS! But perhaps I’m being harsh on the pervs–pedophiles like children WITHOUT boobies–this kind of thing could only help to protect little girls! Consider buying one for your boys too! Maybe big sis still has one of her Abercrombie Kids thongs from a few years ago and we can plan a Brazilian Carnaval party for grade school graduation!

But perhaps I’m being a bit hard on Abercrombie. After all, they might be just responding to the demands of the free market. I don’t have any kids myself, but I see all these articles about how kids are being sexualized by movies, TV, videogames and advertising. After all, if Hannah Montana can pose naked for Annie Liebovitz–coyly covered by a bed sheet–after all, it was OK for a 16 year old to be naked in bed–it must be OK! And boy, won’t these middle-schoolers having oral sex be sexual athletes by the time they’re legal! That can only lead to greater happiness for them as adults–if they get rid of those pesky STDs they picked up in high school!

These articles on sexualization generally deride how kids are being robbed of their childhoods, without taking into consideration that once the plumbing starts working, you have a natural tendency to turn on the faucet. The crime is that so many of these kids are entering into the adult sphere with no knowledge of how the plumbing works. Sex education is still rudimentary in many places and completely taboo in others. Better for them to experiment without knowing what a condom is, or for even being able to get one legally! And forget about getting ill-advised pregnancies taken care of, except in cases of rape, incest, or danger–but only after a three-day cooling off period and getting counseling! After all, knocked up teens are our best way of swelling the economic underclass we need for our post “Great Recession” economy!

So let’s thank Abercrombie for their courage in helping to drive the age of sexual initiation downwards. I know several people who’d love to work in their design department for new products. They can probably get them cheap in an “outside work” program–since they’re all in jail!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS