130708-redskins

  • 91% of all Dallas Cowboys fans would approve of this name change.

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n'Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ‘em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football :) )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS