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The REAL War on Christmas

7:50 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

121210-no-un-mandate-for-scrooge

If you think this doesn’t make any sense, join the club…

Bill O’Reilly and the Faux News crowd are in the middle of their annual War On The War Against Christmas, dredging up every incident of Happy Holiday-ism they can find in an effort to show how anti-Christmas America has become. Bill also argued that Christianity isn’t a religion, but a philosophy. Not to say that a good Catholic boy like O’Reilly has a fundamental misunderstanding of either Christmas or Christianity, let’s take his statements at face value for a moment.

As the Spirit of Christmas Present says to Scrooge (in the Alastair Sim movie but not the book), “We Spirits of Christmas do not live but one day a year, we live the entire 365.” And what is that “spirit of Christmas”? Buying gifts? Setting up Nativity scenes? Randy office parties? Santa Claus? No, the true Christmas spirit is “Peace on earth, good will towards men.” It means not going to war unless you really have to. It means giving to those less fortunate. It means going the extra mile for your fellow man. Not just in December, but all January through November as well. Above all, it means ANYTHING but paying attention to Ayn Rand.

That’s the Christian philosophy in a nutshell, Bill. And your cohorts, the Republicans in the Senate, showed just how much true Christmas spirit they had when they turned down the UN treaty on the disabled. Never mind that John McCain endorsed it, George H. W. Bush endorsed it, Bob Dole was wheeled in from his deathbed (as Jon Stewart put it) to endorse it. Never mind that it was based on OUR OWN LAWS. The Republican bloc but a handful voted it down because it raised serious concerns about our sovereignty (all treaties do–that’s part of the reason we have them), it was a socialist plot from the hated UN, it was an attack on home schooling according to Paul Ryan, the idiot we were spared from having as Vice President a few weeks ago. But above all, because Barack Obama wanted it.

Nice going, guys–maybe you’d like a chance to repeal our own disability laws now. After all, building ramps might cut into corporate profits.

Oh. And Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukah to all our Jewish friends (as they say on the news). We will be taking our winter hiatus after our annual HOLIDAY card next week.

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.


Finally!

7:05 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

111219-Peace-On-Earth-and-Iraq

Four score minus 72 years ago–the length only SEEMS Lincolnian–eight, nearly nine years, to be exact, the United States armed forces gave up the hunt for bin Laden when only a football field away from his cave to go into Iraq and do–something. It was never too clear what that something was. It was supposed to be to disarm and save the world Saddam Hussein, the mad dictator who possessed thousands of WMDs in a country that had been under UN economic sanctions for over ten years. The world was treated to visions of mushroom clouds, dancing over their heads, if this action wasn’t taken. For some reason, the French, Russians and Chinese weren’t impressed. We focused our indignation on the French and named them “surrender monkeys,” and without imprimatur of UN resolutions, blitzkrieged our way to Baghdad.

Funny thing, turns out the French were right. No WMDs. That’s OK, they’re still surrender monkeys to the vast numbers of Americans who were convinced that Saddam Hussein was going to nuke their mall in days if we didn’t invade. Turns out the country was broke–that decade of economic sanctions had done its work. The troops who faced the American-led onslaught barely had shoes, let alone WMDs. The country was SO broke in fact, that Saddam Hussein was using his reputation for insanity and for once having WMDs to protect his country from being attacked by one of his neighbors! Talk about a strategy being too successful!

The war, we were told, would pay for itself. The oil that we’d get first crack at would lower the energy bills for the United States 10 times over. Hmmmm, I wonder how THAT worked out. Forty-five bucks to fill the tank of a Honda CIVIC??? We were also told the war would be so cheap that it wasn’t worth putting on the budget. Nearly a trillion dollars later we can chalk that up as another miscalculation. Read the rest of this entry →

How the GinGrinch Wants to Steal Christmas

7:11 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

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We’ve been continuing with this marathon of Republican “debates” for what seems like decades now. The strategy of holding SO MANY debates is that it will give Americans–bless their pointy little heads–the idea that these are actually the PRESIDENTIAL debates. After all, these things must be important if they’re having so many of them. The Democrats, especially that socialist atheist Muslim godless commie in the White House, don’t get the chance for a rebuttal, because these are just Republicans arguing with each other. And with the same things being said over and over, it’s kind of a brainwashing to get people to think that what these clowns are saying is actually serious.

After all, the points of disagreement are very few and usually questions of degree–except for anything Ron Paul has to say, which will usually be ignored if not reported derisively–imagine, not wasting billions of dollars every day in the Middle East–the man’s a lunatic! I’m not sure these can actually even be called debates–they’re more a kind of an “I’m a bigger jagoff than you are” contest. Rick Perry seemed to have had that one sewn up with his record for executions of possibly innocent men, forgetting what agencies he wanted to eliminate, how everyone should carry concealed weapons in case they have to sneak up on a coyote, and otherwise general doofusness that made W seem like a wild-eyed intellectual in comparison. But Herman Cain took the lead with his 9-9-9 plan stolen from SIM CITY, plans to electrocute Mexicans if they tried to climb over the border fence and inability to name countries where we have dark ops. And when “the ladies” got the pizza delivery guy to back out of the house, he cemented his place in history by quoting Pokemon as an inspiration. Sigh–we’re going to miss you, Herman.

Now when all this was happening, the Newt decided he needed to get in their with something even more asshole than the rest of them. And he certainly came up with one. ABOLISH CHILD LABOR LAWS. That’s the spirit, Newt! Why stop at turning the clock back to the 1920s when you can turn it back to the 1820s!

Everyone was naturally appalled that he should suggest such a thing–since, after all, child labor laws are generally seen as one of the GOOD things of 19th century liberalism–you know, like abolishing slavery? Newt’s brainstorm seems to have been based on the idea that kids could work in schools as janitors since ANYONE can push a broom, run a floor waxing machine, fix a furnace, clean up after sick kids and then repair the plumbing–which once again goes to prove that Newt never did an honest day’s work in his entire life since he obviously has no idea how much hard work there is and how much know-how actually goes into a custodial job. Read the rest of this entry →

Lloyd Blankfein, Vampire–Edward and Bella he ain’t, but he does suck something…

7:13 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

Lloyd Blankfein, bloodsucking in God's service...

It’s that time of year again–the time that we give thanks that the Christmas advertising season is finally 2/3 over. Remember when the Christmas season didn’t really begin until the kickoff at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Or am I showing my age again. With the creep of the merchandising seasons, by 15 years ago, the Christmas season started showing up around Hallowe’en–Thanksgiving? what’s that–all we can sell is a bunch of turkeys that say fresh but are hard as the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Now Columbus Day rolls around and all the stores have Kris Kringle in them! What with the Great Recession, I’m expecting for Santa to show up next year right after the BACK-TO-SCHOOL sales!

But sarcasm aside, we do have much to be thankful for. We can be thankful that Goldman Sachs was bailed out and used its money to pay the salaries of those poor starving executives who hadn’t had Beluga in over a week–CEO Lloyd Blankfein, you really are doing God’s work. We can be thankful that John McCain didn’t win the election–because by now some idiot would have shot him so we’d have Sarah Palin running the show. Those of us who HAVE jobs can be thankful we still have them and as for the rest, don’t worry, we’ll get around to you next year! We can be thankful that we can still pay insurance companies exorbitant fees for denial of claims because in 3 years they won’t be able to do that! Some of us can be thankful that NEW MOON is in the theaters and the rest of us can be thankful that we don’t have to go. And finally, we must be thankful for our celebrities, without whose stupidity, that’s right, I’m talking you, Lindsay "I don’t pay for fill-in-the-blank" Lohan, our lives would be so much less interesting.

AnimeUSA was a fantastic con, for those of you who might have an interest. I finally had the chance to wear my new tux at the formal ball, ran into all my friends from deviantArt who said they’d be there, actually had some nice photos taken of me that don’t make me look my age, ran into some people who’d actually seen my cartoons–YAY! and I found a FANTASTIC band. J-rock band QUAFF is KICK ASS! they are totally awesome–so awesome I went to both of their concerts at the con. The last one–at no’on on Sunday when half the con had left for airports and the other half were walking zombies–had so much energy that the 300 people in the audience were screaming as loud as 1000. I’ll update this with links when I finally get some sleep LOL.

Anyway a great time was had by all including yours truly and QUAFF will be at ANIME USA again next year. Happy Turkey Day everyone from me, Mr. Dymme, Fred and Bert–drive safely if you’re going out of town and we’ll be back Monday with a new dose of Intravenous Caffeine.


Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS!