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And The Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award Goes To …

7:01 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

130729-weiner-dick-award

  • TADAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Carlos Danger?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CARLOS DANGER?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!

(AR)Anthony J. Wiener, candidate for Mayor of New York City, was presented today with the Anthony Wiener Lifetime Achievement Award at being a dick. The award, named for Anthony Wiener after his last Twitter flashing scandal, was presented to Wiener after the story of his latest sexting fiasco went pubic … err, public. Mr. Wiener said that weathering his latest crisis will make him a better mayor, and when presented with the celebratory brass phallus and balls, said, “Aww, guys, you shouldn’t have. Seriously, you shouldn’t have.”

Actually, Anthony–YOU shouldn’t have! You want to be a better mayor? STOP HAVING S**T FOR BRAINS!

(Note to self: find Anthony Wiener’s Porn Name Generator.)

I realize that this week’s cartoon isn’t very complex, but after I saw John Cuneo’s New Yorker cover, I realized that nothing could top it. This is one cover that really stands out, up and out there!

In any case, it is time to announce my summer hiatus. From August to early September, I will either be prepping for conventions or actually attending them. I will be at Otakon at the Baltimore Convention Center, August 8-11, where I will have pictures in the Art Show and will be taking pictures of cosplayers and having a good time. August 23-25 will see me at Intervention Con, at the Hilton Washington DC/Rockville, in Artists Alley. And from September 13 through September 15, I will be at AnimeUSA at the Washington Wardman Park Marriott, once again in the Art Show and schmoozing. We will return on September 23 and we hope we will have an ADDITIONAL FEATURE to share with you then! Watch this space and my Facebook page for further announcements!

Fred and Bert Squirrel join me in wishing you a great summer! See you soon!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Scalp um, Swamp um, We will take um big score!

7:21 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

130708-redskins

  • 91% of all Dallas Cowboys fans would approve of this name change.

While driving back from Anime Next in Somerset NJ the other week, I heard on the radio that the Washington Redskins name/mascot controversy had resurfaced. It seems some Native Americans think that “Redskins” is a pejorative! Why, all the white folks that own the club will tell you that “Redskin” isn’t a pejorative at all, never mind all those movies where it usually follows the words “dirty” or “sneaky” or “lowdown,” it ACTUALLY means noble and brave! They will cite polls (Sports Illustrated, Washington Post, Annenberg) that all say that people who claim to be of Indian descent (Why, I’ve got some Creek or Cherokee in me somewhere, said Johnny “Tonto” Depp. And back in the 60s I knew lots of girls who were re-incarnated Indian princesses) overwhelmingly approve of the name.

Why, then, do some Indians, like the National Congress of American Indians, keep protesting? Just because of a little racial stereotyping? Hey, there hasn’t been any Woo-woo-woo-woo cheers in ages. And remember, they changed the original lyrics to the fight song, what more do you want?

“Scalp’um, Swamp’um, We will take’um big score! Read’um, weep’um. Touchdown! We want heap more!”

No longer there. See? Problem solved.

Fred’n'Bert, the two squirrels who talk to me when nobody else is looking (Yee-hehehehehehe) were in the car with me (remarkably well-behaved travelers–they never back-seat drive as long as they are well-supplied with nuts–no snarky comments, please) and discussing whether or not there COULD be a name change. Their opinion was that the name could NEVER be changed to Washington Reds. Nope, not in a thousand years–uh-uh, too much political baggage! Half the time, people just call them the ‘Skins. They could just drop the “Red” part–and play shirtless in the time-honored tradition of pickup touch football games. But, not surprisingly since their main concern in life seems to be things to eat, the squirrels came up with the solution proposed back in 1992. Redskin potatos! Keep the name, just change the mascot. Everyone will be happy — sort of.

Hey–they’re squirrels–they aren’t old enough to remember!

In any case, the controversy seems to have died down again, but I have no doubt that sometime in the near future, the “Change the Name” warcry will rise again.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. However, in view of what most of our elected and non-elected officials deserve (Yeah, I mean you, Justice Scalia), I propose a different name, “Washington Redbutts”. It’s obvious that what a lot of people in this town need is not a good football game, but a good spanking!

And I know there’s at least one club in town that supplies ‘em! Yehehe! (and it has very little to do with football :) )

Hmmm, I wonder–could the basis of the rivalry with the Dallas Cowboys all be because it’s a giant grown-up game of Cowboys and Indians??? Ya think?

Hoping you all had a great Fourth!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

“Argle-Bargle?” I think somebody needs a time-out…

6:26 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

130701-scalia-argle-bargle

  • Razzle-Frazzle!

Justice Antonin Scalia has been known for use of “original intent” arguments in his decisions on the Supreme Court. Recently, he thrilled linguistic historians by his stunning use of the term “Argle-Bargle” in his dissent while discussing the merits of the opposing decision in the DOMA case. We asked Justice Scalia how he always seemed confident that he knew the intent of the Founders, even on issues that had not even arisen in 1787.

“Why, that’s simple. I use a OUIJA Board.”

“Justice Scalia–you, a Catholic, using a Ouija Board? Isn’t that rather paradoxical?”

“Why not at all, even the Pope comes to me for advice. Well, he did, until this Latino guy–imagine, the Catholic Church looking out for the poor and disadvantaged … it’s un-Christian!”

“But still–I’d always heard that use of oracles was rather heterodox.”

“Well, it might be,” Scalia allowed, “if I actually believed in it. But I usually push the planchet around to the answer I want anyway, so it doesn’t count.”

“Are you the only sitting justice who uses a method like this?”

“The only one who uses a Ouija Board. Justice Thomas doesn’t have to–he’s the re-incarnation of an 18th century Capuchin monk.”

“Is that why he’s always so quiet on the bench?”

“Yup,” said Nino. “Vow of silence. He’ll be a great wife now that we have to get gay-married.”

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Edward Snowden, Sentenced to a Lifetime of Hiding for Telling the Truth

7:28 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

130624-Snowden

  • Well, we’d hardly lob missiles into a non-enemy country … would we?

Once upon a time, Adam and Eve lived in a beautiful garden called Paradise. The caretaker of the garden, a being called God, told them that everything in the garden was good and wonderful. They had dominion over everything in it, as long as they did not eat from a certain tree called the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If they ate of the tree, God said, they would surely die.

But the fruit of the tree looked good, as everything else in the garden was, and they wondered why there should be one thing in Paradise that didn’t seem to be as good as everything else. And a serpent heard them and said, “Oh, you will not die if you eat the fruit, but you will understand good and evil, just like God.” God, it seemed, knew that there was both good and evil in the garden even though he kept saying how everything in the garden was beautiful, and kept trying to chase the serpent out of the garden, and the serpent was tired of it.

So Adam and Eve ate the fruit and lo, their eyes were opened. And they looked around the garden. And what they previously thought was all good, they now saw as corrupt. There was fruit that was poisonous, animals that killed and ate the others and maggots fed upon the remains. Yes, there was still much good, but there was equally much evil. And they were sad and ashamed, because they could no longer believe in the pristine beauty of the garden and so Paradise ceased to be. And because of this, they hated the serpent, and now whenever people see snakes, they try to kill them, whether they be venomous or not.

It doesn’t matter–it was the serpent who destroyed Paradise, they said.

I’d watch my back the rest of my life, Edward. A nation that lies about spying on its own citizens will be relentless in taking revenge upon the man who showed it. And to Nancy Pelosi and the other Democrats who think it’s OK because a Democrat is in charge–ask me again in 2016…

Disclaimer: I’ve bought things from Hong Kong and the UK during the past year (art supplies, LEDs, old records)–does that mean I’m a potential target for surveillance? Hmmmmm?

We’re back after two successful convention at AnimeNext in New Jersey and Anime MidAtlantic in Virginia. My thanks to the organizers of the events and to everyone who stopped by my artist alley table to admire (and sometimes buy) my work :) And thanks to all my friends who made the events so enjoyable (too many to name!) and to all the cosplayers who had such marvelous costumes! No more conventions until August! I shall be attending Otakon in Baltimore (with art for sale in the Art Show) and will be in Artist Alley for InterventionCon in Rockville MD. See you next week!

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

5:48 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

130506-LaPierre-straitjacket-2

  • Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)
  • (IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

    “I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

    “Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

    After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

    NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
    Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
    Yours alwaysnever again,
    Greg

    You mean Chechen ISN’T the Czech Republic?

    6:04 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130429-LAPIERRE

    • “Too soon?” “No, too late–did you ever taste Wayne’s mom’s cooking?

    “Well, despite all the additional help by CNN, doing their best imitation of the kids down the block watching “what’s going on with all the cop cars,” the forces of the law managed to deal with the alleged Boston bombers. I say “alleged” for a reason. Even though Tsarnaeva made a confession, we are still in America–presumed innocent until proven guilty. That’s why careful news coverage still refer to him as a suspect. We will exempt, of course, exempt the New York Post from any taint of carefulness in their news coverage. Thanks to CARELESS news coverage, there’s at least one other victim of the Boston bombing–Sunil Tripathi, who was misidentified as the “white hat” bomber due to crowd sourcing on Twitter and Reddit. Crowd sourcing, in matters of life and death, often resembles a lynch mob. Although I have not seen any speculation, there’s a pretty good chance that some person or persons found Tripathi and executed lynch mob justice. And, just like in The Oxbow Incident, they got the wrong man.

    There was another wrong man who seems to have been arrested–at least in the news coverage–before he was discovered to be a person of no interest rather than a person of interest–that Saudi student whom even Fox News recognized was selected by “racial profiling.” This poor guy ran AWAY from the blast–like many of us would have done–after all, your first response in a dangerous situation is your own safety. Once you realize there are no pieces missing (as was the case with so many unfortunate people who were close to the explosion)–then you can help others (I am constantly amazed at the bravery of police who ran TOWARDS the blast instead of away). I think he may have had more than safety from the explosion to worry about.

    After all, if the police, the FBI, the media, were all racial profiling, what about the crowd? How many of them immediately suspected it to be the work of some Middle Eastern radical? What if the right person–that is to say, the WRONG person–saw that student running away. That student risked getting beaten at the very least if he stuck around.

    But what if, as in Wayne LaPierre’s America, there were “good guys with guns” in the crowd? That student wouldn’t have had a chance.

    We should all thank Congress for not passing even the mildest of gun regulations so that Wayne’s vision will come true.

    And on a completely irrelevant note–”What would Batman call the Boston Marathon Bombing suspect?”

    He’d call him, “Jo-Kar!”

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

    Barrie Antoinette: “Let Them Eat Catfood…”

    7:10 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130314-ancien-regime-catfood

    • “Life Among the Nobililty: The Swing” by Gregonard…

    Well, Barrie Antoinette–excuse me, President Barry Obama, delivered his proposal for a budget and yes, indeed-y, there was the much hated-by-the-constituency-but-loved-by-Wall-Street “chained CPI”. According to one writer, Barry has called the Republican bluff–they have said they will brook no tax increases unless something is done about “entitlements”–you know, the money you’re entitled to because, well, you GAVE it to the Fed to invest throughout your working career! Well, the Prez has proposed chained CPI–the cost of living mal-adjustment that assumes that if you can’t afford steak, you’ll buy chicken and everything is still jake. Or if you can’t afford Chicken of the Sea, you’ll buy canned skipjack mackerel. And if you can’t afford canned mackerel, you’ll just go to Friskies.

    The theory is that the Republicans will be so scared of losing their seats that they will do anything to avoid agreeing to this proposal. Except for one thing–who’s REALLY gonna get the blame for this? Why, the guy who proposed it, of course. President Obama. You know, the guy who DOESN’T HAVE TO RUN FOR ELECTION AGAIN?

    Why all this “save Social Security” nonsense when it is solvent for the next 30 years? Why all this “entitlement reform” bullshit when Social Security has nothing to do with the budget? For that, we have to go back eight years (and actually more) to when President BUSH proposed “privatizing Social Security.” That’s right, this one has a long history–and the reason for privatizing SS was? So the money boys, the banks, the oligarchy, the plutocracy, could get their hands on that money and drain it from our senior citizens faster than any drug addict by stealing your Grandma’s Social Security check.

    But wait–how does the chained CPI do THAT? Remember back then–the seniors, the AARP, everybody and their brother decided that the cost-of-living adjustment (COLA) was good enough to keep them going so please do not do us the favor of letting us make bad investments, please. So the money boys–whom Barack Obama is as beholden to as any Republican, any blue dog Democrat, hell, almost every “progressive” Democrat as well–said to themselves, “If the COLA is good enough, then let’s screw the COLA. Then they’ll be clamoring to let us invest the money for them.”

    And that, kiddies, is how the sky turned blue. So remember, when Grandma, when Ma and Pa, when YOU start having to eat catfood, it wasn’t just Congress, it wasn’t just Obama…

    It was the banks, too big to fail, too big to jail, who wanted your money.

    “Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé!”

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.

    An Anniversary Nobody Really Cheered About

    6:34 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130325-happy-10th-iraq-war

    • Is that yellow cake I see on the floor?

    Last week, we saw the passing of the 10th Anniversary of the Iraq war—ooops, excuse me, Congress never declared war, so, ummmm, what do we call it?

    When the airplanes struck the Twin Towers and the Pentagon, somewhere amid the horror of what I was seeing rose an additional realization, “Oh, my God, we’ve just had our Reichstag Fire.” I could see with horrifying clarity that this would be the defining moment that turned the United States from its democratic principles to something totally antithetical to the dreams of our nation’s Fathers. We have resisted the impulse of creating concentration camps for Moslems–we incarcerated many, but mostly exiled them for visa transgressions. We have created gulags where we gathered a mostly hapless group of alleged terrorists whose major crime seems to have been being in the wrong place at the wrong time when the wrong person wanted to collect a reward. We HAVE built massive PRISONS, but these are privately run camps to provide slave labor and corporate profit and anyone can enter. We passed the grossly obscene “Patriot” act through which almost any crime can be considered to be an act of terrorism–when the need arises.

    Our incursion into Afghanistan almost looked legitimate. We claimed the head of, what was his name, Osama bin Laden? Yes, he was there, later on he claimed credit for “9/11″, which our government was already doing within minutes of the tower falls–since it had pointedly ignored the warnings from the intelligence community of terrorist actions inside the US. He was there, but the Taliban government had the nerve to ask for evidence before they would consider handing him over. So like a western posse, we went in and cleaned up the corruption in Rock Ridge and hunted down bin Laden until we were just yards from his hiding place in the mountains when…

    Wait, what? The real danger is from Iraq? The country which had been under UN sanctions for a decade? Whose dictator, Saddam Hussein, couldn’t even afford to buy shoes for his army? HE had weapons of mass destruction? Yes, we had the ominous YELLOW CAKE requests–which turned out to be forgeries. We had George Bush and Tony Blair smirking their way into war. We had Dick Cheney and Condi Rice promising us mushroom clouds of doom if nothing was done immediately. We had a mountain of evidence that Colin Powell presented at the UN. I remember listening to him and being absolutely convinced by the man’s sense of sincerity… until the next morning, when I realized that all that evidence had no context. That if you believed it was something bad it was, but those conversations about hiding things could have just as easily been hiding the porn when the inspectors arrived.

    And so we went off and destroyed a country within weeks. Killed several thousand Americans and maimed 10s of thousands. Killed 100s of thousands Iraqis and destroyed the infrastructure of the country. Wasted around two trillion dollars (when asked about the loss of a trillion dollars from the Pentagon budgets, Donald Rumsfeld remarked, “I’ll have to look into that,” and didn’t) which the Tea Party is now trying to collect from the poorest among us. For which sinful errors of judgment or outright acts of war-mongering for profit no one has been held accountable.

    Many of us felt powerless to do anything to stop it. Only after the deed was done did I decide that I could do a political cartoon series against these criminals. I was scared too–protesting the war COULD have been considered an act of terrorism according to the Patriot Act.

    HAPPY F$%^&*G ANNIVERSARY.

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.

    Portman Switches Chained CPI Stance: “I just found out my parents are old!”

    6:02 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130318-cat-phood-index

    • On the table again–tip–invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive–that’s right, they make most of the cat food

    Senator Rob Portman has announced that he no longer supports chained CPI as a means of saving Social Security. Ohio’s junior senator said that his change of heart came from a personal discovery.

    “I found out over the weekend,” Portman explained, “that my parents are old. I did not realize that they were on Social Security.”

    Portman recently changed his stance on gay marriage about a year after his son came out. “I would have changed my stance sooner, but I had been hoping that Mitt Romney would tap me for his VP running mate. Fat chance–that asshole suggested we send my son to Tuvalu until the election was over. Tuvalu? That place is under 2 feet of water these days!”

    “I always believed that all old people had socked it away and were taken endless Royal Caribbean cruises in their twilight years. And then when they couldn’t get on the boats anymore without vomiting, it was the fiscally responsible thing for their children to loot their bank accounts and put them into a home so they’d be covered 100% by Medicare and Medicaid.”

    “But the parent-child relationship doesn’t exist for most Republicans. After mating, the female lays 1000 eggs and after spawning, the young eat each other to ensure survival of the greediest. They never know their mother, let alone who their father is. What happens to the mating pair with no children to put them into the nursing home? They’re left to fend for themselves. And I’ve seen a recently made study that shows that at the present rate of inflation, the price of filet mignon today will be the price of Companion cat food in five years time.”

    Senator Portman added, “If this passes, I’d invest in Mars, Nestle and Colgate-Palmolive. Pet food stocks are sure to go through the roof.”
    _________

    Too late to do anything with: Run on the banks in Cyprus over the weekend? Only seeing news about it now that the European stocks have been affected? Tut-tut, America, that’s a little country–it’ll never happen here…

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.

    Black Smoke, White Smoke

    7:41 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130311-papal-conclave

    • The Vienna Boys’ Choir was rather thrilled at the exclusion…

    With the retirement of Pope Benedict, following the example of the Emperor Diocletian and going off to tend a vegetable garden, the Catholic Church is at a crossroads again–namely, how to look like they’re dealing with the problem of priestly and episcopal pederasty while selecting in the conclave of the College of Cardinals a colleague who tacitly condoned the problem by doing nothing about it. One thing for certain–he will be from the conservative wing of the Church in order to complete the return of Catholicism to the 19th century after Vatican II dragged it, protesting and screaming, into the 20th century. Ahhh, decisions, decisions. God forbid we have another Pope like John XXIII who’d actually done things like save Jews in the Holocaust, visit a prison on the 2nd day of his Papacy, and had a predilection for sneaking out of the Vatican to talk to people and find out what they thought.

    Father Roncalli (John’s real name) was no saint–and won’t be if the Church has anything to say about it. But he was probably the closest pope to one in the last few centuries. His stance to pederasty was pretty clear–and at the same time muddled. On the one hand, he expressly taught that those seminarians who showed a tendency to homosexuality and pederasty were to be barred from ordination. That was back in 1961 and the world’s attitude about homosexuality has been thoroughly revised. Given the misunderstanding of the time, the connection between the two is understandable since the greater bulk of priestly crimes of this type have been with boys rather than girls.

    On the other hand, there is a document from 1962 issued under Pope John’s seal that instructs that the investigation of cases involving “‘worst crime’, described as an obscene act perpetrated by a cleric with ‘youths of either sex or with brute animals (bestiality)’” to be dealt with in absolute secrecy. While the penalties for priests involve suspension from celebration of the sacraments through defrocking, (which are not mentioned in the news article but can be found in the linked pdf) nonetheless, there you have the paradox in a nutshell. The horrible nature of the crime is admitted, yet the door is opened to the cover-ups that have exploded in the last 20 years.

    My bet is that if John XXIII knew how his instructions would be used to justify the cover-ups, he would have made sure that the cover-up of crimes was dealt with with equal severity. At least, one hopes.

    PS: I hate Daylight Saving Time.

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.