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May 9, 2011: Osama Still Dead! Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due…

6:16 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

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Well, a week later and no Osama doubles have shown up, which is probably a good thing. Pakistan has been alternating between blustery protests of “You shouldn’t have done that,” and hiding behind the egg on their faces. The people on Osama’s block have collectively said, “Really, they seemed so quiet, we just thought they were very religious.” Rush Limbaugh was forced to choke out credit to President Obama, but he recovered quickly. We also discovered that the only things we really knew about the mission is that it was in Pakistan and bin Laden was shot–everything we’d been told on the first night EXCEPT President Obama’s announcement turned out to be pure fantasy.

Now Obama offered former President Bush an invitation for them both to appear at “Ground Zero,” but George declined because, at least we were told, he didn’t think he was getting enough credit for his effort in trying to capture bin Laden. One commentator said, this was kind of like the guy who didn’t open the jar saying he loosened it when you opened the top. But this isn’t quite accurate. Bush is the guy who screwed it down too tight in the first place and THEN couldn’t open the jar and needed someone else’s help.

What can we credit Bush with? Ignoring Clinton’s outgoing advice that al-Qaeda was the biggest threat we were facing? Ignoring Richard Clarke’s warnings when he was head of Cybersecurity? Ignoring the CIA memo that bin Laden was intent on striking within the US and dismissing it as covering their asses? Flying around the country in a panic on 9/11 thinking the terrorists were after him after Ari Fleischer tried to convince us that we had “credible intelligence” that the White House was the other target within hours of our being caught flat-footed? Perhaps turning down the Taliban’s offer to hand Osama over (if we gave them the evidence of his involvement which we didn’t have until he kindly took credit for it a few years later) because they didn’t say “Mother, may I?” Giving up the search in Tora Bora yards from bin Laden’s hideout because it was time to invade Iraq and deal with the REAL threat (koff!) How about seven years of “not finding him” because it wasn’t particularly important and bin Laden had been marginalized, hiding out in some cave in the mountains of Afghanistan–when he was really living in a Pakistan suburb?

You’re right. I think President Bush deserves credit for all of those things.

Michael Moore and several others, on the other hand, have been complaining about the lack of due process and how we should have brought bin Laden to trial to show the world something or other about justice. Oh hogwash, Michael, it wasn’t a strictly legal mission to begin with. You know, something about not respecting Pakistan’s sovereign territory (like Shep Smith was ignored about). What would holding a trial have accomplished–shown the world that we can hold a kangaroo court as well as anyone else? I mean seriously, even if his defensive team included Abe Lincoln, Clarence Darrow, Johnny Cochran, F Lee Bailey AND Perry Mason, there was a snowball’s chance in hell that a jury could be convinced there was a reasonable doubt that he’d authorized the 9/11 attacks and isn’t that REALLY the purpose of a trial? Did he need a forum to present his side? It wasn’t as if he hadn’t had nearly 9 years of issuing pronouncements that gave the justification for the attack. I agree, in the best of all possible worlds, it would have been a good idea to put him on trial and give al-Qaeda the present of a ceremonial execution or a living martyr in a US prison to inspire them. But we live in this one and a trial would have just been a theatre piece, a ritual piece of mumbo-jumbo to keep the bad mojo off our actions, an anticlimactic last reel that would only have made sense if bin Laden leaped up out of Silver Lake wearing a hockey mask.

Be thankful that this part is over. Now we can get back to the REAL problem–getting the hell out of two wars we shouldn’t have been in in the first place.

Oh, yes. Thanks, President Bush.

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Scott Walker: Thug

6:51 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

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There’s a joke making the rounds that bears repeating: The Koch brothers, a tea partier and a teacher are sitting at a table with a pile of cookies in the middle. The Koch brothers sweep up all but one and say to the tea partier, “Watch out for that teacher–he wants your cookie!” Michael Moore, our official national agitator, showed up in Wisconsin this weekend and spoke on behalf of the Wisconsin 14. He reminded people that America wasn’t broke, there was plenty of money to go around, the problem is that over half of it is being hoarded by the 400 wealthiest of our society. And the reason that government is in trouble is quite simple–these 400 refuse to acknowledge their own dependence on the society that allowed them to gain what they have and thus feel justified in refusing to carry no load but their own. And these 400, far from being productive members of society, are not only parasites upon it, but because of their vast wealth have not just influence but control over their “host”.

It’s people like the Scott Walkers of the world who see their fortune not in serving society, but servicing the parasite that lives on it, in the hope that they may rise to be part of the next tier, the 40,000 who have the bulk of the remainder of the wealth. Their methodology? We see it in Scott Walker’s actions. Threats, coercion, blanket layoff notices, illegal fines and imprisonment. In short, acting like a thug. We have been slipping slowly and inexorably into thugocracy for the last 30 years, the iron-fisted rule of the minority. And their biggest weapon? Pitting citizen against citizen to fight for the spillage from their tables, the only thing that trickles down. You think our national sport is football? Nuh-uh. It’s bum fights. And we’re the bums.

Be careful of those guys–they want all the cookies.

Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

Tipping Encouraged–Have a Safe Flight…

6:42 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

Have a nice day and thank you for flying Air Air--Suggested Gratuity 15%

(SNN) WASHINGTON DC–In an unprecedented development, airline AIR AIR–the most trusted name in air–is allowing pilots and crew to collect gratuities from passengers. This decision follows quickly in the wake of Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger’s testimony to Congress describing his loss of pension and cuts in pay after airlines were given a free hand by the Bush administration after 9/11 to do anything short of cutting executive salaries and bonuses to avoid bankruptcy. Sullenberger is the pilot who had to ditch his Airbus 320 into the Hudson River after Canadian terrorists sent a flock of suicide geese into the Airbus flight path, fouling the engines and dying while honking “O Canada!” No other lives were lost as Sullenberger glided the aircraft into the Hudson River and each passenger was given the bird by the airline for Christmas dinner.

Last February, Sullenberger’s copilot Jeff Skiles also testified that low pay and torturous working hours were forcing airlines to hire pilots before they had finished flying school. More recently, Michael Moore’s new film Capitalism: A Love Story contains interviews with pilots who were forced to enroll for food stamps and take extra jobs to make ends meet. Congressmen who weren’t twittering during Sullenberger’s testimony harrumphed a good deal and threatened to think about doing something. “Who wants to fly with a pilot who has to work 24 hours a day just to make ends meet? I wouldn’t want to fly with any pilot who hasn’t gotten at least 4 hours of sleep,” an anonymous Congressional source told us.

Air Air touted its new policy as directed towards passenger safety concerns. “Passengers may now take responsibility for their own welfare,” Air Air’s representative, who asked to remain anonymous, told us. “The more they give pilots and other crew, the less staff will need to take on extra jobs. We see this as empowering passengers by making them a part of the flight team through their contributions. Naturally, first class and business class travelers will be exempt from the need to “tip”. We suggest 15% plus two dollars a bag. Gratuities may also be left at the airport to ensure air traffic controllers take notice of your flight. These gratuities should be paid in small bills rather than credit cards to avoid a paper trail.”

Sullenberger’s book, Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters, co-authored by Jeffrey Zaslow, is available in bookstores this month.

Satirist and professional cynic Greg Uchrin is the cartoonist and writer of Intravenous Caffeine, where this diary is cross-posted, and which is his post-Bush Administration successor to Hail Dubyus!