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Oh, Wayne, You’re SO Pre-dick-table…

5:48 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

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  • Wayne LaPierre addresses Houston NRA members on why more guns would have helped Bostonians protect themselves against unknown bombers. (From a file photo)
  • (IVCAFF News) Wayne LaPierre addressed members of the Houston NRA on Saturday, sparking the usual liberal controversy, but generating cries of “Remember the Alamo” accompanied by six-gun shots fired into the air.

    “I was inspired by last week’s piece in Intravenous Caffeine. What else could better protect you against unknown bombing suspects who’d probably already left the scene? If I were in Boston, I’d put my faith in my trusty Peacemaker to make sure that no suspicious characters approached or fled from me.

    “Police lockdown? Northerners cowering in fear! How would you know that that knock on the door was a real Boston policeman unless you had your piece by your side to make sure you could return fire. How would you defend yourself from marauding bands of looters climbing into your windows? That’s what “stand your ground laws” were made for. Of course, Bostonians would have felt more secure with more guns!”

    After the meeting, LaPierre was assisted back into his straitjacket by attendants before being driven by ambulance back to the facility.

    NOTE TO STEPHEN COLBERT:
    Dear Stephen, this is Greg. I know you’re talking about me, I’ve heard you on your program. I let it go the first time, but now it’s just too much. Do I have to say it again? It’s over. Over. Must I get that restraining order?
    Yours alwaysnever again,
    Greg

    You mean Chechen ISN’T the Czech Republic?

    6:04 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130429-LAPIERRE

    • “Too soon?” “No, too late–did you ever taste Wayne’s mom’s cooking?

    “Well, despite all the additional help by CNN, doing their best imitation of the kids down the block watching “what’s going on with all the cop cars,” the forces of the law managed to deal with the alleged Boston bombers. I say “alleged” for a reason. Even though Tsarnaeva made a confession, we are still in America–presumed innocent until proven guilty. That’s why careful news coverage still refer to him as a suspect. We will exempt, of course, exempt the New York Post from any taint of carefulness in their news coverage. Thanks to CARELESS news coverage, there’s at least one other victim of the Boston bombing–Sunil Tripathi, who was misidentified as the “white hat” bomber due to crowd sourcing on Twitter and Reddit. Crowd sourcing, in matters of life and death, often resembles a lynch mob. Although I have not seen any speculation, there’s a pretty good chance that some person or persons found Tripathi and executed lynch mob justice. And, just like in The Oxbow Incident, they got the wrong man.

    There was another wrong man who seems to have been arrested–at least in the news coverage–before he was discovered to be a person of no interest rather than a person of interest–that Saudi student whom even Fox News recognized was selected by “racial profiling.” This poor guy ran AWAY from the blast–like many of us would have done–after all, your first response in a dangerous situation is your own safety. Once you realize there are no pieces missing (as was the case with so many unfortunate people who were close to the explosion)–then you can help others (I am constantly amazed at the bravery of police who ran TOWARDS the blast instead of away). I think he may have had more than safety from the explosion to worry about.

    After all, if the police, the FBI, the media, were all racial profiling, what about the crowd? How many of them immediately suspected it to be the work of some Middle Eastern radical? What if the right person–that is to say, the WRONG person–saw that student running away. That student risked getting beaten at the very least if he stuck around.

    But what if, as in Wayne LaPierre’s America, there were “good guys with guns” in the crowd? That student wouldn’t have had a chance.

    We should all thank Congress for not passing even the mildest of gun regulations so that Wayne’s vision will come true.

    And on a completely irrelevant note–”What would Batman call the Boston Marathon Bombing suspect?”

    He’d call him, “Jo-Kar!”

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS

    If the Africans Brought to America Had Been Given Guns…

    7:23 am in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    130121-2-NRA

    • You should see the family going to church on Sunday…

    Congratulations President Obama on the start of your second term. The first piece of advice I will give you for you to ignore is: Don’t negotiate with terrorists–stand your ground on the debt ceiling!

    I pretty much ignored the Newton massacre before the end of last year–although I had plenty of ideas that my better half pronounced, “TOO SOON!” Fortunately, plenty of people–most of whom have guns–have kept the story alive–by their IDIOCY! It took several days before the NRA had gotten its collective head out of its nether orifice far enough to respond. The answer to gun violence in schools? MORE GUNS! Set up armed guards in every school building and school yard. I’m surprised David Keene didn’t add issuing kevlar vests to every student and teacher–perhaps because in Newton since the killer shot almost everyone execution style. But it’s definitely a thought.

    It has been suggested before that teachers and principals be issued sidearms to keep the peace at the frontier–AKA nursery, grade, middle and high school. There’s some justification to this with kids being given handguns to come to class for safety. After all, the teachers should be allowed to return fire. You might argue that it would take far too long and cost far too much to train teachers how to handle a shootin’ iron. Nonsense, just sit them down for one of the AMC John Wayne/Clint Eastwood marathons and they’ll be ready! At least as ready as the three gun experts who managed to shoot themselves and a few other people by accident at gun shows this past weekend!

    Larry Ward, founder of Gun Appreciation Day, held on the 19th, has persuasively argued that holding it just before Martin Luther King Jr. Day is something that Dr. King would have approved, if he hadn’t been assassinated. After all, if the African immigrants to America had been given the right to bear arms, there might not have been slavery. I’m sure the labor entrepeneurs who brought them over would have been happy to provide them with musket, balls and powder. And I do mean balls.

    Now let me see. Armed guards are needed in schools. Guns are allowed in several state legislatures, but they already have armed guards. Several states allow guns in saloons–we’ll need armed guards there–and churches too. My question is, “Who’s going to pay for all these armed guards?” I’ve asked my local tea partiers who loudly said, “Not ME! You’d have to raise taxes to pay all those armed guards!” Well, there’s just one solution, which will appeal to the business owning crowd, I’m sure. Privatize the police forces! It only makes sense–people who don’t have any property don’t need it protected! Open up police services to be bought by the lowest bidder and allow private citizens to pay a yearly fee for police protection.

    Now we don’t want to completely take protection away from people who can’t afford a yearly contract. They can obtain police services on a per incident basis at a modest rate. All major credit cards and Paypal accepted. Yessirree Bob! I’m sure that will be the most equitable solution. Just what the Founding Fathers envisioned!

    Don’t forget to pack heat with lunch, dearees!

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS.

    Giffords Shooting Prompts Reactions From Around the Web

    5:47 pm in Uncategorized by GregoriusU

    CrosshairsAnimation

    Various reactions to the attempted assassination of Gabrielle Giffords from around the web:

    Sarah Palin: Well, ya never thought anyone but a lunatic would take me seriously, you betcha.

    Sharron Angle: You can’t blame me for what happened in Arizona!

    John Boehner: SOB!

    John McCain: BUILD THE DAMN FENCE!

    Wayne LePierre, EVP, NRA: It would be a tragedy to use this isolated incident by an obviously deranged lunatic to impair the rights of ordinary citizens to semi-automatic weaponry.

    Heinrich von Grammarrecht: Obviously insane, he used imply when he meant … WTF did he mean?

    Gilbert Gottfried: A funny thing happened on my way through Arizona. A congresswoman got sh … what, too soon? OK–this family walks into a talent agent’s office. He says I don’t do family acts. The father says “Wait’ll you see this one!”

    Anne Coulter: I can hear all the liberals whining now…

    Glenn Beck: Is it possible this liberal got herself shot to help in her future run for the Senate? I’m only asking the question.

    Wolf Blitzer: Some people are suggesting Congresswoman Giffords got herself shot to help in her future run for the Senate.

    New York Times: . . . although, according to some commentators, it’s possible Congresswoman Giffords got herself shot to help in her future run for the Senate.

    Rush Limbaugh: Congresswoman Giffords got herself shot to help in her future run for the Senate. It said so in the New York Times.

    FoxNews: Communist baby-killer Congresswoman provokes citizen to defend himself.

    Tucker Carlson: They should just take him out and hang him… oh, no, wait a minute, no, they shouldn’t…
    __________

    Greg Uchrin is a satirist, cartoonist and professional cynic in Alexandria VA. This diary is cross-posted to his blog Intravenous Caffeine, the post-Bush era successor to HAIL DUBYUS