America, I’m here to address some critical matters of national security and to clear up any misconceptions about what this government-for-the-corporations is doing to protect Oligarchs and their hegemonies and right to exploit the world and revel in the profits of never-ending war.

There has been a great deal of second-guessing our practice of patrolling the skies of some foreign nations with our remotely piloted missile delivery aircraft, aka drones. These are the most advanced systems in the world and our success rate is excellent. We only kill innocent people half the time now, and a lot of those “innocents” have questionable profiles (I mean, just because they’re not old enough to have pubic hair and they’re female doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t out to get us). And we’re not going to grace these characters with any kind of recognition by counting them; that would lend credence to the idea that these are human beings instead of the pixilated, blurry, gray-scale, two-dimensional silhouettes shown on our Raytheon screens. And if we kill American citizens in the same manner, well they aren’t really citizens if I say they’re terrorists, are they? We have no time for courts. If these targets want to prove their innocence, their families can do it in some illegitimate foreign court after they’ve been removed as the threat the CIA declares them to be.

I’m also here to say “drones” are here to stay. They are the weapons of the future that allow us to save service members lives by letting them eat popcorn and soda while they kill. We pay a lot of money for these devices and they’re almost as sophisticated and effective as a 19 year old with a pressure-cooker, a backpack, and some ammonium nitrate. I mean, what gets people more shocked and awed, a hell-fire missile fired from miles away, or some seedy looking punk in baseball cap? Am I right? Those guys don’t scare us.

This brings up my next point. I want you all to be ready to sacrifice. When we shut down another major city during the next attack (this shouldn’t happen, because we’re vigilant and we’re getting the terrorists over there so we won’t have any here, but..), we have to be brave in the face of threats, so we need you to sacrifice your normal routines. The best way to show these terrorists we’re not afraid is to run into your houses, turn off the lights, lock the doors and wait until the federal, state, local, and Eric Prince owned, house raiding storm-troopers scour your neighborhood for bad guys and tell you when it’s safe to come out. We’ll catch them and take them away where we can control what kind of information we want you to know about them.

And this brings me to my final point, Guantanamo needs to be closed. It’s just not necessary anymore. We’ve established that the President’s word is law and we don’t need to pretend we can’t operate extra-legally right here on American soil, it’s the norm now.  So help me out here. Appeal to your congressmen and women and let them know we’ve got plenty of feeding tubes and strap-down chairs right here on the mainland where we can show the French how Americans do Foie Gras.

 I do want to mention one thing in closing. The information we access real-time, all the time and filter and categorize using contractors to contractors on systems hidden from the public are for everyone’s benefit. This informational awareness helps us prevent events like the one we didn’t prevent in Boston because it was just a fluke and how can you know when some nut-job is going to get angry and kill people even though another country’s intelligence agency warned you about him? We can’t trust foreign sources, or even our own press, for that matter, and the Associated Press should realize that America, land of the free and home of the brave, can only stay that way if we let the government feel us up to keep us safe.

Thank you America and God Bless us with tornados that don’t kill some people.