Everyone who’s gay has their own coming out experience. Mine wasn’t good. Today, former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman came out and shared his story. I’ve talked to plenty of people, though, who endured no homophobia and were accepted by all their friends and family. No matter what the result is, the process is terrifying, often humiliating, and leads to unnecessary pain. I’m confident that this is true of every coming out experience. LGBT people are the only group who has to "confess" their differences from the majority of society, and it unquestionably takes a toll, no matter how necessary it is.

The closet seems like a safe haven from bigotry but it’s just an excuse to prolong bigotry. Not to mention, when everyone stays closeted it plays right into conservative fantasies that LGBT people are a fringe group who are secretive and trying to destroy the values of this country. That is why any discussion of gays as a covert group is unhelpful. Take this for example:

WEST POINT, N.Y. — Code words, secret societies, covert meetings, fake identities: these are tools that a certain set of cadets learn here at the United States Military Academy at West Point.
[...]
These cadets are not spies or moles. They are gay, and they exist largely in the shadows of this granite institution known for producing presidents and generals, where staying closeted is essential to avoid discharge under the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Speaking of gay people’s desire to not be killed, harmed, abandoned, harassed or worse is not something to try to be clever about. The closet can kill you. If it doesn’t, your coming out experience could. If that doesn’t, well, you still can’t get married or have job protections. If you’re gay, you’re at risk no matter what you do and you always have to be aware of that from day one. The most carefree gay person knows how to hide or use genderless pronouns just as well as those who aren’t so happy.

These codes and this closet are a construct invented to marginalize gay people. To stigmatize us. There is no other purpose. Proponents can talk about "safety" and making sure the gays are not attacked (the supposed rationale for DADT) but it all comes down to the fact that the privileged in society feel more comfortable when they don’t have to think about us. When they don’t have to deal with our issues. And so what if it’s painful? So what if it causes stress or suicidal tendencies among gays? It serves the ends they want: making the privileged more comfortable.

Here’s what the closet is like:

There are code words and test phrases: “Are you family?” refers to inclusion in the lesbian sisterhood. Or cadets might throw out references to the television show “The L Word” to gauge the response.

An encounter during military maneuvers might result in flirtatious Facebook messaging back in the barracks. Those who earn weekend passes might make late-night runs to gay bars in Manhattan, about 50 miles away, or to gay parties on nearby college campuses, often with students they met through intercollegiate sports.

And don’t ever fall in love. Ever. You can’t think about love and intimacy and closeness:

The male cadet in his fourth year said he had had sexual relationships with several other men at the academy. Last year, he fell for a guy at a gay bar in Manhattan who, to the surprise of both of them, turned out to be a classmate.

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Back on campus, they enjoyed and suffered through a seven-month relationship on the “down low,” he said. They might share a meal at Grant Hall, but if they passed each other in company, they would simply nod hello or offer a casual back-slap. They did not attend the year-end formal dance together.

In fact, the closet in military school is almost exactly like the one those of us face in the real world, where you can’t trust anyone, ever, because you might be outed. As a cadet put it, “Anyone you meet here,”[...]“you have to assess their personality very closely, and see if you can trust them.” The people who constructed this closet are not gay people. These are conservatives who wish to dehumanize gays. They want a bully you can’t see or understand. That’s how it works. If a gay person is within your reach, if they are out and happy and seen as a productive member of society, that’s not good for conservatism. That’s why so many anti-gay people are failing right now; it’s why so many anti-gay policies are gone or will be gone within a matter of years. We won’t stay quiet and closeted anymore.

Harvey Milk was a strong advocate for gay people to come out of the closet, wherever they are. He realized that this would happen, that people will see we’re everywhere, and they’ll have to deal with us. You have to at least tolerate us if you know who we are. And that kills conservatism. It destroys the conservative philosophy. They’ve lost. But they started this in the first place. They raised homosexuality as an issue of "morality" and "religion." They forced people into hiding. They passed and advocated for laws which stigmatized gays for the sole purpose of keeping us down. They proposed even more laws which thankfully were never enacted. They proposed a Federal Marriage Amendment.

Did you know that every time an anti-gay law is proposed and promoted, anti-gay violence goes up? When the government tells you gays aren’t worth protecting, people use their lack of interest and sometimes downright hostility to hurt us even more. Policies, laws, ideas like this all lead to the closet. They perpetuate this endless cycle of fear and hatred because they think the ends justify doing this.

Dan Choi said that "the closet is a poison" and he couldn’t have been more right. And we know who’s been feeding us this poison.

Ken Mehlman discussed his coming out struggle, which took him 43 years, because of the concept of staying in the closet, a concept his party and his government philosophy was instrumental in bringing to fruition.

"It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life," said Mehlman, now an executive vice-president with the New York City-based private equity firm, KKR. "Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago."

In spite of the terror his philosophies inflicted on LGBT citizens and in spite of the decades long scare-fest of anti-gay hatred, gay-baiting and discriminatory laws foisted on us, Ken Mehlman wants us to know that his coming out experience has been just peachy. No apology for all the suicides his party’s stances inevitably brought on. No apology for hate crimes. No apology for the election campaign involving some of the worst anti-gay hatred anyone has ever witnessed. No apology for the terror LGB military people have had to endure. No apology for the forced rapes female soldiers went through to "prove" they are straight.

He just wants us to know that he’s been through a whole, whole lot and that he’s a very happy and well-adjusted person. Well Ken, fuck you.

Ken says, "What I do regret, and think a lot about, is that one of the things I talked a lot about in politics was how I tried to expand the party into neighborhoods where the message wasn’t always heard. I didn’t do this in the gay community at all."

He can’t be that divorced from reality. It’s not a matter of outreach to the gay community, it’s your whole philosophy, guy. You were and are part of the problem. You’ve created this closet for people and now you want sympathy when you’ve finally come out of it. You’ve hurt too many people. Think of how many hate crimes you caused in 2004 when you were too scared to speak up for anyone. It is your fault. It is conservatives’ fault. You can reach out all you like but your very philosophy promotes bigotry. Stop it.

Mehlman is aware that his attempts to justify his past silence will not be adequate for many people. He and his friends say that he is aware that he will no longer control the story about his identity — which will simultaneously expose old wounds, invite Schadenfruede, and legitimize anger among gay rights activists in both parties who did not hide their sexual orientations.
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"I wish I was where I am today 20 years ago. The process of not being able to say who I am in public life was very difficult. No one else knew this except me. My family didn’t know. My friends didn’t know. Anyone who watched me knew I was a guy who was clearly uncomfortable with the topic," he said.

Ken’s struggle was just terrible. In fact, once he started outing himself, he actually had to assemble a press team to deal with it. The horror. I mean what kind of guy should have to use his millions of dollars and his prestige to assemble a press team to talk about how gay he is now? Must’ve been a truly agonizing experience for him.

Meanwhile those of us who are alone and scared are subjected to constant attacks and terrifying threats that we need to remain closeted or we will die, or lose our jobs. For our own good.

Thanks a lot.