TIEM Magazien: WOW! 2013! Such Year! 1. Kiss the rings of the oligarchs. It is essential to gain the approval of the captains of finance and military industries for they will not only finance your pursuit but help you attain your goal. These captains must be assured that their business models will never be threatened by you. Once their fears are assuaged the path to your Dogeship will be paved with gold and the lesser captains (media, health, etc) will fall inline quickly.

2. Pretend to be a populist. While the position of American Doge is an elitist and narcissistic pursuit, you must cultivate an image that the vast majority of the American rabble will believe in and that your personal pursuit of glory is in fact for their benefit. This image making is a delicate task, therefore hiring professionals in propaganda and myth making is key in fooling the serfs. Make the media your friend and if you did step 1 deftly than this will be easy.

3. Never underestimate the fickleness of the masses. Throughout your path on becoming Doge the public will love and hate you, always keep in mind that through proper manipulation this can be controlled, as discussed in step 2, and in time the public will forget or move on to another distraction. Fabricated distractions often work best during the (s)election process but also work well during your Dogeship and can be used to attack your enemies.

4. Remember who your friends are for they will help you in your pursuit,however if your friends become a hindrance, you must publicly denounce them and perhaps betray them as well. This is tied to step 5 and remembering that alliances are ever shifting. Too much loyalty can become a weakness that your enemies can exploit.

5. You must have no reservations about war, lying,spying, mass killings, murder, or anything that is deemed abhorrent by the majority of human society. In reality a moral compass becomes an anchor in your pursuit to becoming a Doge. The more malleable you are to outside and more powerful forces the probability of your Dogeship increases and perhaps lengthens your tenure as Doge.

Meme via @LaughingStoic.