BREAKING: the Democratic Party’s magical mythical unicorn (of needing 60 votes in the Senate to get anything done) has gone rogue. After issuing a sharply worded statement, in defense of its existence and threatening retaliation, Svartha the Rogue Unicorn headed for Capitol Hill, terrorizing the exposed backsides of DC Democrats who now are considering breaking their pledge of voting ‘no’ on any health care reform bill that contains no public option.

Svartha the Rogue Unicorn issued this statement only 2 hours ago:

I resent the implication that I don’t exist! What, just because no one has ever seen me? Have you ever seen gravity? Everyone knows gravity exists, I mean, hey, jump out of a plane without a parachute if you don’t think gravity is a real thing. My friend the Toothfairy is really worried. People might suggest that she doesn’t exist. And she’s given Joe Diva from Connecticut lots of quarters. Right under his pillow . . . there, under his- Anyway, I’ve given Democrats a lot of help lately, covering asses all over the place. Asses that would otherwise be hanging out in the wind. Just hanging . . . out there. And what? Now you’re just going to throw me under the bus? F*#k you guys! Just remember, I’ll take the rainbow with me!

Svartha the Unicorn

Legislators could be seen clutching their imperiled asses with both hands, scrambling to secure every square inch of exposed backside. Democratic Party spokespersons said all Dem backsides will remain on lockdown until no meaningful repercussions threaten them with accountability to their constituents.

Svartha the Rogue Unicorn was last seen cavorting over the Capitol dome, clutching what appeared to be Pres. Obama’s rainbow of change in his or her teeth (to date, no one has dared sex Svartha the Rogue Unicorn, yet many Republicans claim all unicorns are hermaphrodites by choice).

Svartha the Rogue Unicorn’s former handlers, Pres. Obama, Senate majority-leader Harry Reid (D-NV), and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, did not return repeated requests for comments. Reports indicate, however, that they are scrambling for a new magical mythical beast, one that won’t threaten their caucus with meaningful repercussions from constituents before it’s too late.