As I write this, I hear an angry coalition of opposites shrieking at my front gate–a mob of feminists and conservatives bearing torches and hockey sticks descends, demanding my head on pike. You see, I have no problem with men keeping mistresses, or cute hunky guys for that matter, but as most of these uncovered affairs center around kept women, kindly forgive my gender bias as I write.

I take no issue with a lady who is supported by a gentlemen caller. It’s a perfectly fine, and historically acceptable vocation for a woman, giving her the opportunity to pursue her career, hobbies, education, charitable work, etc while supplementing her income. Women are paid less than men for doing the same job, so a little redistribution of the wealth for services and vices rendered seems fair to me.

But there are certain rules that ought be followed should one decide to indulge in keeping a woman, and if you are a politician contemplating this action, watch Citizen Kane first then decide you can stand the heat if found out. And odds are you will be.

Choose your lady friend carefully. Elegance, grace, discretion, wisdom and compassionate are virtues which outstrip looking like a stripper. If you run into someone you know while at lunch with your mistress, they might have a hard time believing that you’re discussing the fine points of foreign trade imbalances in the durable goods sector with a 22 year old who is dressed like Britney Spears and asks, “Are ess-carr-gotts, like, um a kind of French carrot?”

You get what you pay for. And speaking of paying for it, in the long run, it’s better to keep a woman, that is, help out a lady with her expenses than buy a $5000 a pop hooker. Just ask Elliot Spitzer.

Don’t comment on others’ sexual peccadillos Under no circumstances should a man give his mistress a job at his office. It’s improper and opens up all sorts of problems. And beside, if you’re putting her to work, you’re not really keeping her, now are you?

As a politician it is bad form to have an affair with a reporter, an intern or a stripper.

Use birth control. If you think birth control is immoral, then maybe you’re not the kind of chap who should have an affair, let alone a mistress.

Really, you shouldn’t snap photos or make videos. Or suggest to reporters that they follow you to a yacht.

Don’t do drugs; don’t drink and drive.

Don’t die in flagrante delicto, especially in your office.

Don’t use state troopers as go-betweens.

It’s one thing to cheat on your wife; quite another to cheat on your mistress. This will not end well.