Thank you Conservatives. Over the last weeks and months, I have been truly enlightened! I am now seeing that great light of mass produced, All-American, conservatism! I really appreciate your genuine concern about medical services in this country. It is now painfully obvious that the only way to handle healthcare is to leave it totally up to the private sector. How could the majority of Americans (and the rest of the world, for that matter) have been so naive?

SInce the government has been paying for the lion’s share of elderly care with Medicare, so that the Insurance Companies get to sell their highly profitable insurance programs to those less likely to need it, I’m not really sure what to do with all of the old folks. Maybe they can all move in with us! There is nothing wrong with bringing your Mommy or Daddy into your home to let them die in pain because they can’t afford any healthcare and therefore any good medication. Oh right, they can go to Walmart and get some Tylenol. That should be good enough. After all, they are old, we love them and there is something special about changing diapers and bathing grumpy old men! After all, they did change ours! OOPS, I’m sorry, I didn’t know THAT thing had any life left in it!

If your son is playing football in High School and breaks his leg YOU can just bring him home (after a stop at the aforementioned WalMart for Tylenol) and set his leg yourself. No problem! What’s a little limp as he gets older? There might be a lawsuit there though! Somebody caused that broken leg! Oh, dang it, I forgot, I need to slow down for that learning curve! Good Conservatives don’t believe in litigating. Me bad.

Considering that Medicare and Medicaid will be broke within a few years anyway, we should just let these overhyped, expensive socialist programs die, and not ignominiously. Social Security? Let it die as well, we should all be pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. If we can’t afford any savings for retirement, we just lose. There are winners and losers in life, right? Ahhh, I AM learning here!

The ONLY problem with this scenario is that we really don’t like to look at those paraplegic ex-veterans on our street corners in their wheelchairs with “Hungry” signs. Or even the other unkempt unemployed with their “Will Work For Food” signs. They are there by choice though, right? I suppose we could put them into some sort of confined space so they aren’t in the public view. Our prisons are already privatized, so at least someone is making a profit on them. As long as it ISN’T the big, bad, government, we will be ok. We certainly can’t rehabilitate them because they don’t have any money to pay for it. AND we don’t want to see the scroungy old derelicts! After all, they aren’t real people, are they? Of course, there may be a few more of them after the great awakening (like mine). Oh well, we will figure that out somehow. Don’t we believe in being well armed? Hmmm. That might even help solve the immigration issue. We will SCARE them away! Or maybe just eliminate them quietly. We do want guns in school and church too. I am absolutely certain that Jesus would have been right in that line with the 2nd Amendment crowd. I am starting to see that to a true conservative like me, guns are god! Umm, I mean guns are GOOD, sorry that was a typo.

Ah, it is such a brave new world here! Just wrap your brains around this. We could have REALLY low taxes if we privatized all social services. That would HAVE to include government jobs because it really wouldn’t be right to have any federal or state funded healthcare, would it? Are you listening Congress? You make enough money to pay your own way. We eliminate social security since it will run out of money too, and we could even hire Blackwater to run our military. I’m not sure on the last one, but it sounded good.

So, my fellow Conservatives, thank you for waking me up. For too long I have been stressing over this endless debate on healthcare and other “Socialist/Communist/Fascist reforms” (you know, whatever brothers Rush, Sean and Glen are saying today about the “Others”). It is time to just think about me and my profit! Oh yeah, there is a slight problem here. Since our government and all of their conscientious wisdom forced our beneficent corporations to send most of their once higher paying non-white collar jobs overseas, and now that we have a 10% unemployment, MacDonalds isn’t sharing a lot of their profit with me, yet, for flipping their burgers, but I’m not giving up! They may look a bit ragged, but I still have bootstraps!