Tweet
The divorce papers came in the mail today. Two thick envelopes filled with the legalities of our lives. One was addressed to me. The other was addressed to Ron. Even though we knew it was coming both of us were stunned. It felt hollow.
Eleven years ago we were married in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by our friends and families. It was a great day. We were married in the Sonoma Mission.
We had our reception in the backyard of a beautiful Victorian home. The only thing we asked our friends to bring was food. We had a Klezmer band. All of the band members are friends.
But today we are divorced and now I can receive my first husband’s social security. This means that we can do things like eat and make the house payment. If you don’t think this can happen to you take a close look at the pictures. I bet we look a lot like your family and friends. (Here is the entire story on the off chance that you haven’t already read it.)
We will remarry next year when Ron will be on medicare. We will have a big party and it will be on his birthday. You are all invited. And, yes, we can remarry and keep the benefits.
62 Comments
recommended
dayam – i’m so sorry mary — so forking sorry
Wonderful pictures, Mary. Thanks for including them.
Best wishes to you and Ron on this very difficult journey.
Mary – sometimes we have to sacrifice. And it sucks big time but at least you’ll be able to make more ends meet this way.
(((mary and ron)))
Seconded.
What a shitty country.
Best to You and Ron, Mary.
I disagree, the country was good enough that the multinational corporations decided to hijack it. These billionaire predators used the neo-conservatives who have no loyalty to that goddamn piece of paper. But these treasonous tools lied, bullied and probably murdered as many people as they needed to steal the best things we got.
Do not get mad. Well, yes get very mad then get revenge. Fight as hard as possible, do a little more, if you can and don’t brake for neo-cons.
Thanks for sharing this unimaginable pain instead of hiding it.
Rec’d as well
Oh, Mary.
Much love to you and Ron.
Welcome to “living in sin” from me & Patrick — nine years and loving it!
Well, that is the upside to this! I loves me some sin.
I thought that might cheer you up!
Recommended and sending love your way.
I’m sending good thoughts your way tonight, Mary.
Thanks to you and ron for sharing your story for the benefit others.
(((mary and ron)))
(((mary and ron)))
Thanks everyone. We are adjusting and looking forward to a big party for the next wedding. Here comes the bride..lalalala…
We’ll be the evil gays in the back row whispering, “Huh. Wearing white AGAIN, I see.”
So much for the vaunted “family values” touted by the corporate shills who masquerade as “compassionate conservatives”.
Such a damned shame Mary, I’m looking forward to see the wedding photos.
(((mary and ron)))
mfi
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Family Values hah!
Still can’t get over how Time characterized this horrific choice you had to make. Our corrupt media remain at the center of the system that failed you.
Link? I never read Time ….
Here’s Mary’s diary on that.
What a screwed up mess this country has become. I guess 30 years of conservative values will do that.
I wish you and Ron the best of luck ,and I hope this helps relieve some of the stress you have been dealing with
(((mary and ron)))
An example of being handed lemons and making lemonade. The love is there and that’s what really counts.
Oh, my mare-mare. Reading this while we’re here in SB for my girl’s wedding is so poignantly ironic. Seeing the shot of you and Ron kissing just made me cry. Still crying. I’m so sorry, honey. It just sucks. But, at least we have your future wedding to look forward to. Want a sister to play the flute for that?
ps, my email’s broken, but you can fb me.
_____
hub’s note:
I was struck by “If you don’t think this can happen to you…”
Isn’t that always the way? If Congress and insurance execs had to do this to stay afloat, wouldn’t we have a much more compassionate society?
What a Draconian societal bargain. Best of luck to you both.
It makes me ill to read this. Good luck to you, Mary and Ron. What a sick and sad society we’ve become.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a bit like a death, no? This just stinks. It stinks.
Mr. Marion in Savannah and I live “in sin” because of some very, very foolish things he did with money while we were going through a bad patch and were separated. He had to declare bankruptcy, and we divorced so I wouldn’t be crushed by his avalanche. We continue in that state so he can be regarded as “indigent” for medical purposes, having only Social Security income. Our 31st wedding anniversary was yesterday, and we sat outside in our yard and watched the birds gambol in the bird baths. Life takes us down some exceedingly strange paths…
Hang in there. You’re both loved by more people than you know.
Heartbreaking but I’m glad you will have another happy day next year. God bless America for forcing people to do this. I’m sure Mssr. Hannity, Beck and Limbaugh (as well as the whores in Congress) are very proud indeed of it.
I’m very sorry, Mary. No decent society should force people to this.
As far as I’m concerned, you and Ron are still married. It’s what is in your hearts that counts. What the Government chooses to recognize (or not recognize!) is irrelevant.
What a beautiful wedding.
(((Mary and Ron)))
The next one will be even more wonderful.
And still it continues
Good luck and don;t lose that smile.
Congratulations /s
It’s nice to know your love endures with or without that piece of paper.
Next year will be a wonderful celebration!
You are all invited.
There’s the line I was looking for! *g*
{{{ Ron and Mary }}}
If it weren’t for the fact that I was once homeless (with all the attendant credit, job, depression and other problems) and got myself out of it without using any kind of manuever, I would be supportive. I feel quite sympathetic to your situation, but I am not sure how wonderful a solution this is.
Congratulations on pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. Unfortunately, bootstrap-pulling isn’t medically efficacious.
Hope you make further progress in learning from your experience. It’s important to remember many situations aren’t analogous to your own – tempting as it may be to judge others based on your facts, not theirs.
When I think of what you’ve had to do, one quote comes to mind … Love will find a way !
{{{ Mary & Ron }}}
What a lovely way to put a complete a-hole in “its” place. Great nic; perfectly described what you did in this post.
I thought so. I sometime cannot figure out how to respond to that kind of self importance. Thanks SunnyNobility.
You might think “A-hole,” but until you been there, you don’t really know buddy.
It is the same advice from experience I would tell anyone contemplating a similar solution to their problems. Don’t do it. Much as you think you have to, you will regret it later.
Let me tell you what we can do with the social security survivors benefit ( an insurance benefit that both my first husband and I paid for over many years).
Pay for medication that will keep my
husbandpartner alive.Pay for food.
Pay for housing.
(I have sent out hundreds of resumes. Very little response. When I get to the second level and go to the interview I can tell my age is not appreciated. So, I am freelancing and bring in an occasional job.)
Why would I regret doing this? Thousands of people have been forced to take advantage of whatever means they can find to survive. It was not illegal. I made sure of this. And as for it being immoral, it would have been immoral to put us on the street with the health issues we both have.
As SunnyNobility said your situation is not my situation. Maybe you should open you heart to others rather than being judgemental. Were you homeless in your sixties or seventies? Would you recommend this to people who are gaining in years and sick? And I want to know a specific reason that I would regret this?
First, as I mentioned, I have the utmost sympathy and understanding of your situation. You are in a spot very few people can truly understand except from a distance and that distance shuts them off from the real gut wrenching reality of the emotions that well up and decisions to be made each day. And the fear that rests inside you for the future.
Until you experience something like that, you think you understand, but you don’t. Wondering where your next meal comes from or how you are going to get it is a level of uncertainty and doubt which cannot be explained to others and it might even make you feel a bit alone.
There is no judgment, only advice to think carefully before you accept the money.
Yes, I was homeless later in life.
I wish you good luck, and I am sure you will come out all right.
“There is no judgment, only advice to think carefully before you accept the money.”
There is an inherent judgment here. The implication is that there is something wrong with accepting the money. You still have not explained that. The money I received was paid for in the form of taxes by my first husband and me. Survivors benefit is an insurance policy mandated by the government. I don’t care if the government sees Ron and me as divorced. We are together. We are bonded in a way that a check box in a court house doesn’t change.
You know, I did not want to get into that, as I was mostly wanting to say that I truly understood the difficulty of your situation and the decisions you have to make in such a situation.
I did not want to get into some specific layout; only to leave it at “think carefully.” If you want a specific reason or reasoning, I can do so (if you ask), but I felt it best to leave it at:
I wish you good luck, and I am sure you will come out all right.
I appreciate your comments, and yes no two situation are alike, but there is one major thing I discovered that was very basic.
When you are in a situation like that, or this, the temptation to do something dishonest to get yourself out and “solve” the current picture is very, very great. Most people succumb to it. Though it seems great to them at the time, and “Wow, I solved (whether getting that next meal or something else)” it really only degrades the person further. No one wants to do something dishonest, but in such situations, it is easy to do and then convince yourself, through the most Rube Goldberg like mental gymnastics, that it was OK. But, no matter how fantastical the mechanism, you still know.
I certainly got tempted and succumbed here and there, but I didn’t get out of the situation until I realized that route was the route to nowhere. From that moment on, things went better. And, I knew that any progress or “relief” I got was truly mine.
To me this applies no matter what the situation is. If you think it doesn’t, I can point you to a lot of people who appear very social and happy on the surface, or very composed to the outside world, but very turbulent inside when alone late at night.
As I said, I have great sympathy for the situation–very tough, more than the average person would know.
well, if it works out for ya, and ya git to eat food too, you can’t beat that, can ya ???
(wink)
looking forward to your wedding
we’re talkin “open bar” right ???
good luck
Oh, Mary, I’m so sorry. At least, we’re no longer so Victorian that you would feel forced to physically separate. May your next wedding day come quickly and be as beautiful as your first.
Love to you both. And I will be at your next wedding with bells on.
((Ron and Mary))
xoxox
p.s. Seems like there will be a bunch of people camping in your yard for the wedding next year!!! You are going to need a big cake! :)
No one needs a stinkin’ govt. contract to love each other devotedly. Enjoy each other every day! If you feel a need for societal validation, have a lovely commitment ceremony to nurture you through the year. Much love.
Mary, I am so sorry for what is happening to you – I cannot believe this is happening in this country. I do not believe that God will no longer recognize your marriage, no matter what his conservative “representatives” here on earth may think. Love to you and Ron.
I too send my best for this sorry solution. Good luck and may you have many more years of bliss, both in divorce and marriage, again.
Family effin values.
I am sorry for all your travails.
I am now looking forward to the wedding next August. We throw hella parties. And I went to the social security office today and found out I was going to get $350 more than I thought! I did a little happy dance right in the office.
Give us a date for the biggest wedding evah! (And make it a pot-luck!)
Congratulations for figuring out a way. I’m so sorry you had to go through these gyrations to make things come out right, but thank goodness you actually had the wiggle room.
so sad it had to come to this. But {{{ Mary & Ron }}}.
i’m going to have to make a trip to visit my sis near Sacramento next year (free lodging! cats galore!) so i can show up at the wedding.
Mary, did you ever get a response from Time?