My bassets were absolutely certain that their place was the couch.

Somebody needs a pedicure. (Always fun with bassets’ titanium nails.)

That is one handsome dude. Basset-less, I am jealous.

One of my bassets, Sam, had the ability to climb in my lap without me noticing.

Well, yeah, but those are 19th century bits of foolishness that the 20th century church learned how to suppress with great success. I’d guess 95 percent of most devout Mormons these days have no idea about the unsavory parts. The point was that Mormons learned how to keep the freakish aspects of the religion — a universe for the purest to create! — to themselves, lest they sound like non-Christian cultists. The Scientologists’ belief in past lives and a gazillion-year-old galactic battle for souls is really no different than the Mormons’ belief in a pre-existence and the war for domination between god and satan. Both are merely fairly tales wrapped in successful corporate religiosity.

Here’s the thing you have to remember about Mormonism: Its closest relative, religiously speaking, is Scientology. Both were founded by con men with elaborate stories of alien intervention (Moroni, et al, for the Mormons, Xenu for the Scientologists) and an earnest guarantee of having the secret truth about life and the universe.

The big difference between the two is approach. Mormons figured out how to lay low and pretend to be normal. After Joseph Smith got whacked, they decided that blending in was better than appearing to foment rebellion against the government. Scientologists, being especially nuts, went the other way. Yeah, they *try* to appear normal, but even breathe on the surface and the crazy springs out like something from Alien.

But beyond that? No difference. Joe Smith = L. Ron Hubbard. Elect away, America.

55 pounds? Looks bigger. One our early bassets, Henry, went a solid 85 pounds. ‘Course, he was intact, which I swear meant an extra five pounds.

I’m curious to know if you asked Taits if they’ve seen this before (i.e., the seizures; crazy-ass bed-dragging is not necessarily outside the norm for bassets).

Mrs. Dr. Schmoo, a vet, says bassets aren’t among the usual suspects of breeds that get epilepsy. (And none of the five in my lifetime ever had it.) Let’s hope Wembley’s just been huffing of something.

I asked Mrs. Dr. Schmoo, who’s a vet, about this “occurrence,” and she was bewildered. Must be a San Diego thing.

I’ve had five bassets, one with a package so robust it made Ron Jeremy blush, and not a one ever had an “incapacitating boner.” I must consult with Dr. Mrs. Schmoo, a vet.

Nobody does a money shot like an intact male basset.

When Mrs. Schmoo, a veterinarian, neutered our big dog — not a basset, alas — she left a touching gift draped over the rear-view mirror in my car. http://bit.ly/oMExqH

This is the first shot I’ve seen of Wembley that doesn’t look like he thinks it’s time somebody needs to die. I believe it’s a trick of perspective.

I believe Wembley is morphing into an elephant seal. A very handsome one at that.

That Wembley, he’s a porn star who’s entering his late-Ron Jeremy stage.

That is one handsome basset. Also, you’ve done an impressive job of keeping those nails, which I know are made of titanium, trimmed.

Most obliging of you to put a ramp up for the boys.

I’m a multiple basset owner, so I’ll weigh in: Yes, they can be difficult to housebreak, if that’s what you mean. Pure stubbornness, from my experience. It may be true the Tait’s dogs train easier; T, what say you?

There’s no more pooping than usual — unless you overfeed them, which they will encourage. Remember: food in, poop out. Also, they’re big dogs on short legs, and have big-dog poops.

Any puppy will wake you up at an ungodly hour.

Yes, they’re difficult to train, mostly because they don’t feel like it. I’ve heard tell of an agility basset, but I won’t believe it till I see video. If you want a dog that will fetch your slippers or do much of anything you say, a basset will drive you crazy.

What else you need to know: All bassets stink. It’s a hound thing. And they shed, drool and will be happy to spend their lives on your couch. They all wander and will go deaf when you try to call them back. They’re pack hounds, which means you need two. If that’s too much another generic dog will do.

But here’s the real deal about bassets: Best dogs ever. Sweet-tempered and natural clowns, they will always make you smile. Oh, and THEY LOVE CHILDREN. God, how they do. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Er, No. 6. Journalist math.