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From the Onion:
SCHAUMBURG, IL—In a turn of events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant Nathan Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity.
“This shatters all previous records,” University of Chicago psychologist Douglas McAllister said Monday. “In all of documented medical history, there is no case of a newborn taking less than four months to develop the mental faculties required to grasp the full extent of this existential nightmare we call life on earth.”
But I say, “this depression will not stand, man”.
16 Comments
Things are more like they are today than they ever were… but if the kid’s so smart, why doesn’t he just wait around for things to get better like the rest of us? Patience comes to them that wait.
If things don’t improve, he can still revel in what enthusiasm for life he can muster.
(within the confines of his relative capacity of course)
Rec’d
Death panels are alive and well in Beaumont, Texas. I was gabbing with the staff who were hooking up my nephew with various drains and taps for his scheduled endoscopy. When they were satisfied the lead nurse departed leaving me to chat with the designated mop-up lady. (Biohazardous waste and sharps to the appropriate containers.) She mentioned, out of the blue, that a nuero-surgeon had told her that if someone needed neurosurgery after “Obamacrew goes into effect, they must be under seventy. Anybody over seventy is to be written off.”
I said who told this “neurosurgen” that. She, of course, said, “They did!” I, of course retorted, “Who is they?” She said, “The Obamacare people.” I, of course, said, “Name an agency of the federal government constituting ‘The Obmacare people’ which presumes to tell Medical Doctors a goddamned thing.” She said well, that’s from a NEUROSURGEN! I said (to my nephew’s chagrin), “That’s bull-shit, and your neurosurgeon is a told-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend figment of your imagination.
She became subdued, finished and departed.
My nephew (lying there with tubes and leads all over) said, “Jesus Christ, Uncle Ragg, don’t piss off the staff when I’m about to be put under.”
I felt a little bad about my language (on my nephew’s behalf), but I said, “I’ve had all that shit I can take, Nephew, and I’m disinclined to mince words anymore!”
“…to grasp the full extent of this existential nightmare we call life on earth.” Now that is comical! I had typhoid and typhus, my brother nearly died of cholera. If you think this is a nightmare, you need some education.
W@as that rant circular? Probably. Sorry.
The original post was cute. Hope I didn’t derail the original thread.
If you do a little more research, you will learn that the newborn in question was confronted by his first global man-made climate change denier on day six. Coincidence?
That ought to snap your ass out of your milk-tit reverie, even if you are only six days old.
UTC I know. What’s UCT#?
Think Supreme Court Justice, soon to be Chief Justice. I remember yours from childhood… R-a-g-g-m-o-p-p RAGGMOPP!
God, you must be ancient! I assumed nobody alive on Firedoglake would have a clue.
Supreme Court justices do not advance by merit (nor by kissing Antonin Scalia’s ass), so I’m mystified. Do we need cryptozoology? Or do you just love being cute.
I wrote a song in loving memory of RagMop– It only had one word.
“Braindead” and was sung to the tune of “Born Free” with lots of na na na na na’s
I do enjoy being cute — but on the other hand I can’t help it. Just say “Uncle” and you’ll be well on the way to solving the mystery.
I’m well past my expiration date.
Uncle Clarence Thomas? Naw!
Let’s don’t go there. Seems like your brain works anyway; unlike mine which has been on autopilot since I discovered BLOGS.
Yep. Sshhh… Our little secret.
Rag Mop had its own tune. The chorus went: Doodley ah de doodie. I can’t repeat any of the words except “raggmopp!”
“Braindead” to the tune of Born Free. I like that! I hope you thought that was an insult, it would prove that you have no idea who the hell you’re talking to.