This just in, folks. And it coudn’t be more timely, as the drive against the greatest Hitler-of-the-Middle-East that the world has ever seen, has recently taken a step backwards.

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? That’s right – Bashar Hafez al-Assad, a man so evil, I get chills up and down my spine, by the time I get to pronouncing “Haf”. (As in “Haf”-ez al-Assad).

So, I’m just going to refer to him as “Ass”, which is strangely appropriate.

As to my source, I can’t say much, (he’s a deep undercover quadruple agent) except to say that he’s a descendant of Lawrence of Arabia, but has not just British blood, but also Syrian, Jordanian, Saudi Arabian, and also Iraqi blood flowing through his veins. This has proven really convenient, because no matter what Middle Eastern country he travels in, he kind of blends, you know? (He counteracts his light-skinned British heritage by taken regular sunbaths, 12 months out of the year.)

As if that’s not enough, he’s also quite open-minded about cannibalism, so has gotten along quite famously with the cannibal-jihadis that have kindly come to Syria, to try and free the Syrian people from that despot-of-despots, Hafez al-Assad. (Or “Ass”, as I’ve been referring to him.)

So what tid-bits of prime intelligence has ‘Screwball’ shared with me?

Well, first of all, my secret source ‘Screwball’ tells me that it was, indeed, Ass who GASSED HIS OWN PEOPLE! Not only that, he did the targetting, himself, and signed a few of the shells with really nasty messages. (“Hope you cannibals get indigestion” was perhaps the nastiest one.) As horrible as that was, he also let out a demonic-sounding “BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!” as the shells began their journey of death.

Oh, yeah, he really wanted to kill about 10x as many of his own people, but he messed up on the targeting. Thank God! (or Allah!, if you swing that way.)

So, let’s not hear any more about how we’re not quite sure who was behind the gassing.

Even more amazing is the revelation that it was “Ass” who was behind 9-11!!!! I had trouble grasping the enormity of such a conspiracy. “Ass” had recruited Syrians to do the deed, but embedded them in mostly Saudi families, to make it look like it was mostly a Saudi operation! The Bastard!

This was such a grand revelation, that I had trouble accepting it, at first. But ‘Screwball’ then appealed to my more rational side. He said to me, “Remember the Able Danger revelations? Including how 2.5 TeraBytes of data had been destroyed because of legal improprieties? Since the US government has no problem compromising the privacy of American citizens, why would it care about the privacy of terrrorist suspect like Muhammed Atta?”

“Of course, they wouldn’t” says I.

“Exactly”, says ‘Screwball’. “You see, ‘Ass’ had moles in the US government, who helped cover up him being behind 9-11!!”

Moles! I hate moles! Any kind of moles!

This rabbit hole is a deep as “Ass” is evil! That man has to go! Let’s hope that Obomber gets his Congressional seal of approval. Some of our cannibal allies may be getting homesick…. If anybody can get these revelations to that wonderful truth-teller, John Kerry, I’d sure appreciate it. The truth, as you all can see, now, is even more hideous than Kerry has been telling us.