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Dear Abby: Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Week

5:52 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s a rare week when someone from the Traditional Values cabal doesn’t say something insane. This may be a result of being insane. It may be a result of too much bottle feeding as a baby. Maybe they are even geniuses and just like screwing with the rest of us. Who knows? But just for sad, sad giggles so we can keep from crying, here is some Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Weak (pun intended).

Christ-Like Pat Robertson Offers Christ-Like Advice About Christ

Pat Robertson with his eyes closed

Pat Robertson (Photo: Daniel Oines / Flickr)

Pat Robertson is up to his old verbal tricks again. I was expecting him to come out with something about God sending the droughts, frying egg on the sidewalk temperatures, or the “corporations are people because I am one” argument because Paul Lynde was gay. Then, SURPRISE! It’s “Christ-like” to dump your Islamo-terrorist girlfriend. Who knew?!

Brad, a 700 Club viewer, asked Pat for some relationship advice on Monday – which is a little like asking a Catholic priest for marriage advice.

Brad has a Muslim girlfriend and he’s “worried that leaving her will turn her off to Christianity and, it isn’t exactly Christ-like.”  – which seems like an odd question considering Muslims probably aren’t too turned on by Christianity anyway – I know I’m not.

Pat’s advice was spot-on, for a zealot…’Jesus doth command, kickith thy biatch to thy curb‘. “Yes, it is Christ-like [to break up with her],” Robertson said. “In the Old Testament, they were forbidden to intermarry with the heathen.”

It wasn’t immediately clear whether Pat was referring to Muslims or Christians as being “the” heathen.

700 Club co-host Terry Meeuwsen added with Freudian slippery chuckles, “It’s funny how we twist and turn what God’s word has to say to make it right for what we want.”

Boy howdy Terry, you said it! Pat ‘whole-Christian-hearterdly’ agreed. “Jesus said, ‘I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. He’s not gentle Jesus, meek and mild. He really isn’t.”

Well no-duh Patrick.

My Lunacy Can Top Your Lunacy Mr. Televangelist

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The Jewish Carpenter Would Look Down on George Carlin’s Nailing Fools

6:00 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The brilliant George Carlin once said, “If you can nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some dumb schmuck will buy it from you”. Nobody demonstrates this better than the Not So Fun Fundamentalist Right crowd.

Let’s watch as they pull out the hammer and pound a few nails:

Bryan Fischer Among the Cannibals The American Family Association’s Backward Christian Soldier, Bryan Fischer, stands in front of a billboard-sized copy of the Constitution to proclaim Conservatives should be foursquare in favor of discrimination. In the speech he compares gay Americans  to,  “people who…eat the faces off homeless people.”

Apparently, Fish didn’t hear face-eater Rudy Eugene’s mom describing her son. She said he was, “a church boy” and Miami police confirmed it. Eugene was carrying a Bible when he stopped for lunch at the Donner Party Buffet. He was apparently straight and had a girlfriend who “felt safe” with him because he was so religious. The Fischerman is no friend of the heaven-sent, people-eating grizzly bear either.

Know Your Enemy: Lesbian Jane Lynch! All you Glee fans out there turn off your sets! Televangelist James Robison is convinced the show will destroy America! And here I thought it was the blatant ripoff of the equally lame series Fame. Damn that lesbian, Jane Lynch!

A Profile in Courage Pastor Curtis Knapp of the New Hope Baptist Church thinks LGBT folks have it too damn easy. They’re just like incestuous people and polygamists and so should be put to death, “We punish incest, we punish polygamy and various things. It’s only homosexuality that is lifted out as an exemption.”

Even though incest and polygamy aren’t capital offenses, too damn bad. Off ‘em anyway. But, the good pastor is a little squeamish. When asked on CNN if he should be killing gays he said, “No, I’m saying the government should. They won’t, but they should.”

So Sayeth the Dean of Wingnuts…Of course, what’s a round-up of the odd without Pat Robertson, the Dean of Wingnuts? The man who can pray away hurricanes compares polygamy, bestiality, and pedophilia among many other things.

Beasts Making the Beast With Two Backs Ah, the gay-begets-bestiality cabal is in full voice. Pastor Tim Rabon, of Raleigh’s Beacon Baptist Church, believes in the Rick Santorum man-on-dog sex theory. The pastor thinks redefining marriage is the Devil’s Dog’s work. “What is stopping them from refining marriage from a person and a beast? We’re not far from that.”

Tamara Scott, Michele Bachmann acolyte, doesn’t see dogs in the picture, but the Eiffel Tower? That’s another story. BTW, Michele was pretty worried about being shipped off to a FEMA-run concentration camp once upon a time.

Heil Hitler! Bryan Fischer being Bryan Fischer, he gets two mentions. He believes almost the entire Nazi Party was gay. I’m not sure exactly how that would work when gays are such a small percentage of the population and that Hitler considered himself Christian and wasn’t gay and the Nazis were famously homophobic.

Nothing Hugs Like HuggiesOne of my favorite things nailed together is Pastor Patrick Wooden’s contention that gay sex causes gay men to need diapers or butt plugs. Aside from the fact he seems to think the real reason men can reproduce is because semen and sh*t don’t mix. He had no opinion on whether straight people, some of them surely Christian, engaging in anal sex would leak like a meal filled with Olestra.

I assume he also opposes sex education.

All of these people’s boss might have been a Jewish carpenter, but I’m skeptical he built the sort of house they have in mind. It would’ve had the worst foundation imaginable, paper-thin walls they’d blow out with their own unprayed away bloviations, and a roof that even a mother would wish they jump from.

George, you’re right. These boobs keep nailing things together and dumb schmucks keep tossing the money in their collection plates.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture.