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The Election: Well, That was Anticlimactic

12:11 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Well, that was anticlimactic. We listened to a grueling (for voters) 4-year long campaign during which we witnessed the worst political spectacle of the epoch. If, “liar, liar, pants on fire” meant anything, there wouldn’t be a pair of Levis left on the planet. The country immersed itself in a boiling cauldron of rancor so deep there is no word in English to adequately describe it. And yet, after all that, we have essentially the same balance of power as before.Well played America, well-played.

It’s time for a few observations and maybe a little advice. For the “mandate” crowd, winning an election by the skin of your teeth does not a mandate make. For the “it’s imponderable we lost” crowd, no it isn’t. You acted like a bunch of jackwads. For the “gridlock will finally break” crowd, what makes you think reelecting largely the same people who are already bought and paid for is going to break gridlock?

But since the nation is populated with a large ignorati caucus, let’s break it down real simple like:

The Shallowest Anchorman in the History of Anchormen

  • Ohio voting lines were as long as depression era soup lines because Ohio can’t run an election to save their incompetent lives. It was not the, “African-Americans Ken Blackwell.
  • Brit Hume, America is not more liberal than many thought. Independents didn’t swing for Obama because they were liberal, they swung for Obama because Mitt Romney is a crapweasel.
  • Bill O’Reilly stated the obvious and then spun off to his unhappy place. Minorities and women did vote for Obama because, “they want stuff”. Many white men voted for Romney because, “they want stuff” too – namely the “stuff” minorities and women seek.
  • Brian Kilmeade, if America is the, “shallowest country in the history of man” because they considered Sandy a valid election issue, it is because you are leading much of the country away from common sense for a dip into the same “shallow” end of the gene pool in which you dog paddle.
  • Karl Rove, calling the Wars of Error huge successes is a lot like not believing actual math showing Obama won Ohio. Are you running for President on the Ignorati of Upsidedownistan ticket in 2016?
  • Ari Fleischer, a word to the unwise. Elections have consequences and if the Republican party never embraces LGBT and women’s rights you will suffer them.
  • Kudos to Tammy Baldwin for becoming the first openly gay senator. It is a big accomplishment for the LGBT community. But it’s also a big accomplishment for the straight voters who supported her and for a senate in dire need of diversity. That it pissed off the fundies is just icing on the cake.
  • Dear Central Virginia Assembly of God, putting religious voter guides inside the polls is against the law and upstanding citizens who feel obliged to lecture everyone else on morals should know that. May God visit his wrath upon you for worshipping asshatery above all else.
  • Ha ha, very funny Charleroi, PA Republicans. Putting up “NO PARKING FOR DEMOCRATS” and “WALK THAT WILL BE THE MOST WORK YOU DO ALL DAY” [sic] signs is a hoot. May you get a voter intimidation ticket.
  • Tea bagging True the Vote people, you haven’t taken back “your” country yet. Laws are still laws. Tampering with ballots is still tampering with ballots. Even if you hate the Big Government that passed them. Don’t complain if your cheating asses get thrown out of the polls.
  • Why the hell is Wall St. complaining about an Obama win? They made record profits since he’s been in office. Huge bonuses for being stupid all ’round!
  • So Diane Sawyer is a wine connoisseur. So what? She was just playing the drinking game where you take a hit every time a pompous asshole appeared on camera.

Donald Trump Impersonates Daniel Ortega

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.

 

Newt Gingrich: Leading the Cockroach Ticket

2:58 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Newt's Dick

AND THEN I TOLD MARIANNE… – “Darlin’, I got some serious junk here and there’s just too much of Newt to not share the wealth.”

Newt Gingrich has an ego as big as all outdoors, or at least a big as Donald Trump’s. He’s a historian with only a nodding acquaintance with text book history and his own self-professed place in it.  The other thing Newt has is a propensity for pissing people off. People like voters and political allies in his own party. While this isn’t an altogether useless skill in an election, it isn’t so great when a President has to work with people rather than through them. If cockroaches will survive nuclear holocaust Newt will be right there tossing garbage to them.

Newt and the Bulldog
The Grey One has already screwed the pooch in the opinion of most political pundits. Screwed the bulldog just like The Crazy One, The Pizza Deliverer, Governor Big Hair, and The Unknown Candidate. He’s left competing with The Even Crazier One, The Crazy Little Old Man, and The Moronic Mormon.  As long as evangelicals, pissed off white guys, and the rest of the Ignorati from small, unimportant states vote like lemmings he’ll still be winner take all on pure political gutsiness.

Make no mistake, Newt will become the candidate. I’m not a believer in legislating personal behavior , but a man pandering to values voters while having none of his own isn’t a problem. The values folks vote that way all the time and a little pecker-waving is a small price to pay beating The Messiah (oh, and BTW, when’s he going to show us his birth certificate?). By election time, the Mormon will have as big a reputation for never meeting a position he didn’t like and revealing his birth certificate instead of his 0% tax rate forms will be the least of his problems.

Newt is Newt
Newt will stride across the GOP stage like John McTheusela and try to convince the Republicans that running as President and Vice President at the same time is a good thing. After all, he’s Newt and Newt is more powerful than God. Still, some single-payer corporate grifters will kibosh the idea and force Newt to take on a wildly ridiculous running mate, maybe a Dan Quayle comeback.

The Dems will float a Biden Presidential run because they are just as afraid of Newt as the few thinking Republicans are.  But eventually, The Messiah will clinch the nomination after some public cat herding. Eventually, the Obamunator will win by the skin of his socialist nose after Newt’s hubris trips him up by saying something so weird even the Republicans can’t overlook it – perhaps moving into the White House immediately after his nomination.

Never underestimate the power of a man who can schtup wife two while taking on the Stepford Wife with the bad hair and can explain that the whole thing was Calista’s doing.

Hey, it could happen.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich

2:16 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Poll watchers are writing the obituary for Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich. Pundits are screaming at each other with full-throated vigor and the public stands agog that none of the punditocrisy saw this coming.

“Newt’s a smart guy and will pull it all together!” Newt has too much baggage and doesn’t have a hope in hell” go the chants.

My opinion is that Newt has an ego that would give Donald Trump a hard on. And, he likes to play the “(revised) history professor” to a party well-known as the ignorati since medieval serfs used sticks for shovels… and housing… and, when necessary, food. Besides, everyone had a 7th grade history teacher that hated them. That memory is really hard to overcome.

Newt, the Small Salamander
In the end, Newt will fall into his own mouth and swallow himself into a heftily paid lobbyist and “professor” in some of the nation’s most academically-challenged institutions of higher learning. Besides, he’s named for a small amphibian and that’s a heavy cross to bear.

Noting unusual here. Politicians flame out all the time.  What seems to differ this time is that the Republican field is like the Kentucky Derby with 6 more horses than starting gates.

So far, the ultra-insane wing – Michele Bachmann and Governor Goodhair – have fallen prey to that old political disease, Village Idiot Syndrome. Herman Cain – who passes for a moderate in today’s Republican Party – went down with “I Can’t Keep it in My Pants” Disease.

Rick Santorum is a late bloomer angling for the “Uber-Ultra Insanitite With a Cherry on Top” vote. He’ll fare about as well as anyone who, when Googled, displays a picture of runny shit.

Jon Huntsman will die a quiet political death while trying to explain how his billionaire father has nothing to do with his campaign while accepting more money than God from him. Breeding truly tells.

Ron Paul will pull the hardcore daffies like he’s the second coming of Dennis Kucinich, but daffiness doesn’t sell nearly as well as bat-shit, full-moon lunacy.

That religious cultist Mitt Romney – who’s sole redeeming feature is that he isn’t one of the others – will still lose. It seems what you don’t say is almost as bad a saying something stupid. Wearing special underwear and having been named for a piece of baseball equipment will not overcome his challenges either.

I Love the Smell of Moose Urine in the Morning
Who’s left? No, not Donald Trump. He won’t find campaigning nearly as cool as delusional idol worship, gold-plated everything, and swag lamps. The White Trump House is simply not klassy enough for him.

But, is that moose urine or wolf carcass offal on the tundra I smell? Why of course, Yosemite Samantha Sarah is baaaack!

She’s nowhere as loony as Santorum or Bachmann, but they’ve been genetically bred for maximum hilarity – religious, anti-chimp/anti-evolution claims notwithstanding.  Perry gives her a run for her money, but in the end he still sounds like George the Lesser raised from the dead. And the one thing everyone agrees is that George the Lesser should be exiled to Sardinia… forever.

For some inexplicable reason, people will listen to her. Maybe it’s her folksy delivery or sexy schoolmarm schtick. Maybe it’s her “just plain folks” sensibilities. “She just seems so darn nice,” Republican women will gush. People see her as having the same troubles as them. After all, her reality show was cancelled and it’s replacement withered on the vine. Everyone can relate to that, can’t they?

Of course, Obama will win the election – not because people like him – but because they see how bad things are now and are absolutely terrified it’ll get even worse with someone else in the catbird seat.

Surprisingly, Republicans aren’t driving nails into their own coffin with this baffling array of candidates with donut holes for brains. No, they’ll just look like buffoons until such time as the Democrats out-buffoon them and then put up some yokel with lots of money and no morals for the win.

Sigh…

Michele Bachmann, Amy Myers: ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!’

6:14 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Michele Bachmann is a multi-talented woman. Conspiracy theorist. Miscommunication expert – in both the with and without 100 word freestyle Teleprompter events. Spinner of wild fantasies. Stand up comedian. The list is endless. She’s a barrel of laughs. The nation is lucky to have such comic relief in an era of unbroken heartbreak.

She’s also a member of the ignorati, those folks possessing brains the rough size and intellectual heft of an overcooked turnip. Aside from the obvious, we know she is a card-carrying member because a New Jersey high school sophomore wants to go mano a mano with ‘Chele in a debate about civics, history, and the Constitution. A debate that’ll never happen in a million years.

Amy Will Take Her in Three Rounds
Amy Myers, has Michele’s number though. “The frequent inability you have shown to accurately and factually present even the most basic information about the United States,” pits “my public education against your advanced legal education,” Amy says.

I’ll bet on Amy, even if she is one of the Every Child Left Behind generation.

“As one of a handful of women in Congress, you hold a distinct privilege and responsibility to better represent your gender nationally,” Amy says. “Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole.”

I’d be happy if she better represented the human race, but I’m always left hanging.

Will Michele take up the challenge? I doubt it. She may be stupid, but she’s just smart enough to understand Amy would hand her perky little ass to her on a platter. Sort of a Glenn Beck in a conservative cloth coat.

No Michele will “debate” her goobulent peers instead. Sarah Palin. Newt “The Snoot” Gingrich. Rick “Lock Me Away In a Sanitorium” Santorum. Donald “King of the Motherfu*kin’ World” Trump – even though he’s dropped out of the race and Michele keeps asking him where he got the “hot” do.

A Plaid Skirt Covered Ass
It’s a sad state of affairs when an allegedly serious candidate for public office wouldn’t know a fact if it bit her on her plaid skirt-covered ass. It’s a sad state of affairs when a 16-year old calls you out for your stupidity. And it’s really sad that a serious candidate won’t engage in the debate because she can’t comprehend the kid’s letter.

“Proxy? Huh?”

I’m ready to start the Smoothie Party right now. No more of this Chai Tea and Sumatran blend coffee party stuff. I’m willing to vote for Amy now. You should be too. We need someone with an ounce of sense in the White House. Someone to rebut the tea swillers and miscreants. Someone who knows the meaning of “proxy”. Someone, dare I say it, with a brain.

Come on ! Who’s with me?!!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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