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The Election: Well, That was Anticlimactic

12:11 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Well, that was anticlimactic. We listened to a grueling (for voters) 4-year long campaign during which we witnessed the worst political spectacle of the epoch. If, “liar, liar, pants on fire” meant anything, there wouldn’t be a pair of Levis left on the planet. The country immersed itself in a boiling cauldron of rancor so deep there is no word in English to adequately describe it. And yet, after all that, we have essentially the same balance of power as before.Well played America, well-played.

It’s time for a few observations and maybe a little advice. For the “mandate” crowd, winning an election by the skin of your teeth does not a mandate make. For the “it’s imponderable we lost” crowd, no it isn’t. You acted like a bunch of jackwads. For the “gridlock will finally break” crowd, what makes you think reelecting largely the same people who are already bought and paid for is going to break gridlock?

But since the nation is populated with a large ignorati caucus, let’s break it down real simple like:

The Shallowest Anchorman in the History of Anchormen

  • Ohio voting lines were as long as depression era soup lines because Ohio can’t run an election to save their incompetent lives. It was not the, “African-Americans Ken Blackwell.
  • Brit Hume, America is not more liberal than many thought. Independents didn’t swing for Obama because they were liberal, they swung for Obama because Mitt Romney is a crapweasel.
  • Bill O’Reilly stated the obvious and then spun off to his unhappy place. Minorities and women did vote for Obama because, “they want stuff”. Many white men voted for Romney because, “they want stuff” too – namely the “stuff” minorities and women seek.
  • Brian Kilmeade, if America is the, “shallowest country in the history of man” because they considered Sandy a valid election issue, it is because you are leading much of the country away from common sense for a dip into the same “shallow” end of the gene pool in which you dog paddle.
  • Karl Rove, calling the Wars of Error huge successes is a lot like not believing actual math showing Obama won Ohio. Are you running for President on the Ignorati of Upsidedownistan ticket in 2016?
  • Ari Fleischer, a word to the unwise. Elections have consequences and if the Republican party never embraces LGBT and women’s rights you will suffer them.
  • Kudos to Tammy Baldwin for becoming the first openly gay senator. It is a big accomplishment for the LGBT community. But it’s also a big accomplishment for the straight voters who supported her and for a senate in dire need of diversity. That it pissed off the fundies is just icing on the cake.
  • Dear Central Virginia Assembly of God, putting religious voter guides inside the polls is against the law and upstanding citizens who feel obliged to lecture everyone else on morals should know that. May God visit his wrath upon you for worshipping asshatery above all else.
  • Ha ha, very funny Charleroi, PA Republicans. Putting up “NO PARKING FOR DEMOCRATS” and “WALK THAT WILL BE THE MOST WORK YOU DO ALL DAY” [sic] signs is a hoot. May you get a voter intimidation ticket.
  • Tea bagging True the Vote people, you haven’t taken back “your” country yet. Laws are still laws. Tampering with ballots is still tampering with ballots. Even if you hate the Big Government that passed them. Don’t complain if your cheating asses get thrown out of the polls.
  • Why the hell is Wall St. complaining about an Obama win? They made record profits since he’s been in office. Huge bonuses for being stupid all ’round!
  • So Diane Sawyer is a wine connoisseur. So what? She was just playing the drinking game where you take a hit every time a pompous asshole appeared on camera.

Donald Trump Impersonates Daniel Ortega

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.


Prediction: It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins This Election

12:18 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Everyone with a mouth or some other means of communication is making predictions today. Of course, damn few of them will be correct, but what the hell, it doesn’t stop them. So being a very poor amateur pundit, it won’t stop me either. Prediction: It doesn’t matter who wins this election.

It’s not that the political outcome of the race is unimportant. There will be big policy differences whoever wins. Both candidates have fundamentally different visions of the future, but it will look nothing like the one they ran on. It will begin to change with a switch to a new DJ at the inaugural Ball and won’t stop for 4 more years. But whoever wins, voters will all fall into one of two huge blocks – winners and losers.

Supreme Court, Gas Up the Limos

America will be lucky to escape a Bush v. Gore-style ending today. The Supreme Court better have their limos gassed and ready to come into the office and make a choice that a the country appears unable to make on its own. Whoever “wins” may make their victory speech from the steps of the Supreme Court. Nothing good ever comes of this kind of ending. We see what happened last time and there is every reason to suspect it would be much worse this time. I’ve decided to renounce atheism for the day only so I can pray to Christ that we aren’t dragged through the mud again. You can find me visiting Richard Dawkins’ grave tomorrow where I will beg his forgiveness for my one-day defection from logic. But given the stakes, I think even the irascible Richard would understand. He understood you can’t speak logic to the illogical.

Hopefully the Big Guy will listen to a poor lapsed Methodist like me. But even if he does, we’re still in bad straits. So much money has been laundered through so many places it is inevitable someone will find a dryer full of cash left in a lonely laundromat in Tulare, CA. No one will show up to claim it. They’ll still be investigating it the day Darrell Issa shuffles off this mortal coil. So many mystery ballot boxes will float in the Ohio River you could walk from Cincinnati, to Covington, KY on them. State elections officials won’t even be able to vote in their own elections because they can’t produce long-form birth certificates and DNA of their own like they demand from others. Election fraud, an almost unknown problem before people decided it was the worst problem in an ocean of problems, will rule the day. If you have children going to college soon, recommend a legal career. There will be an ample number of ambulances to chase before the fallout of this election settles.

Do the Antler Dance of Victory

The “winners” will shout, “HUZZAH!” and do an antler dance of victory. They will brag about their 3-vote electoral college “mandate” and crow about recapturing “their” country. There will be cotillons and fireworks and their minions will leap to the battlements to build them higher and higher to keep the opposing scum at bay. They will swear on a stack of Bibles, Korans, and Torahs they won fair and square, even if the corner of their rug is held high by the events swept under it.

The “losers” will scream, “UNFAIR! THEY STOLE THE ELECTION!” and start the endless round of lawsuits and investigations that will plague us for years to come. They will probably be right too. It doesn’t take too many hanging chads to decide an election for someone pond-scummy enough to stoop that low. If you think the campaign has been nasty, rude, and brutish you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. The vote counting will make it pale in comparison.

Of course, this is a prediction unlike anything Nate Silver would factor. There are no polls. There are no stats and hunches, no pundit pronouncements or Palin endorsements. It’s not even forward-looking like a self-respecting prediction. It is simply a 100% statement of fact that almost everyone already knows. It doesn’t matter so much who wins this election, it will be stolen whoever is the victor.

May the best thief win.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.

The Occupational Hazard of Blowing Smoke for a Living

4:52 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Certainly there are few election seasons in which candidates from either party don’t say or do something stupid or ill-advised. It’s an occupational hazard when you blow smoke for a living – doubly so if you relate to other humans about as effectively as a visitor on a boondoggle,”fact-finding” junket from Jupiter.

Though they certainly aren’t alone, Mittens Romney, his wife, and campaign staff seem to be particularly bad about this. Hardly a day or stump speech goes by in which they don’t find themselves walking back policy statements that are directly at odds with those given a year, month, week, day or a few hours ago. His blatant half-truths are a constant problem and sometimes he’s just plain comical in his attempts to relate to the “common man”, such as when he told NFL fans how he shared their passion for the sport…by watching the game from the team owner’s skybox or how NASCARy he is because he personally knows many car owners. To the delight of the NRA, he shoots “varmints” too.

Of course in a business where nothing is EVER the candidate’s fault there are worse coping mechanisms. The evil media, or Sarah Palin’s “lamestream media” if you prefer, are often the whipping boys of choice. They are perpetual “gotcha gatos” who ALWAYS misquote the candidate – despite unedited video to the contrary or except when the politicos like the quote.

Sharron Angle set the gold standard for this type of blame shifting when she criticized the media for asking questions she didn’t want to answer, apparently mistaking them for some rogue, pro-bono campaign operation.  Walking Hefty Bag of Ego, Newt Gingrich, even went so far as to have a student journalist bum-rushed by security for breaking the, “I won’t tell even if you ask” policy. More often than not, Mittens just responds to a completely different question.

“Mr. Romney, what is your position on health care?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked that. By the way, I was sick once. My staff physician took CAT scans of my nose and assured me it was only a cold. In any case, I just told my gold bullion broker that I think taxes on imported tin from Uganda are completely destroying the American way of life.”

The constant attempts to lower their performance to the lower than lowest common denominator is an embarrassing sight, even if growing numbers of people can’t see it or are turned off by the whole process because they can.

It’s so bad even the penguins are pissed.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!