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Pootiehead Romney Likes the Poop Head Bit

2:16 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Using the word “human” and Mitt Romney in the same sentence is such a weird concept that his campaign’s mission is to “humanize” him. When the man is a 1 percenter who brags of joy in firing people, describes corporations as people, and needs an elevator for his cars, it’s a tough order. Not everyone comes to comedy naturally – like Sarah Palin.

Mention the word “funny” in the same sentence as Mitt Romney and you get something wholly different. The man is funny, but not in that sharp-witted Jon Stewart way. No, he’s more of a crazy George Bush smirking, millionaire bumbler, accidentally scary sort of way.

However, Mitten’s sons may have found the trick to humanize him. They’ve revealed his humor is normal and all American. Two funny-assed birds with one hilarious…a human funny guy. This could change the election.

The crew of last election’s Five Brother Bus tour sat down with Conan O’Brien, a funny fellow himself, and revealed Mitt really loves poop jokes – specifically the one featuring a Will Ferrell-Cheri Oteri cheerleader skit on Saturday Night Live.

“Taco! Burrito! ” and then Mitt says, “What’s coming out of your Speedo?”

Even if you’re the stuffy, high nosed Miss Manners type, you have to agree that shite jokes are quintessentially American. No one in the world guffaws at a good old fashioned dog rocket joke than we folks in the land of the free and the home of the infantile. That 9-year old boy at the center of the American psyche just can’t suppress the twittering mirth after someone cracks wise about cutting the cheese.

“Hee, hee. Mitt said poop.”

Until now, mention Romney and “poop” in same sentence and it is probably  someone comparing him to an actual turd,  in much the same way George the Lesser referred to Karl Rove as, “Turd Blossom“.

“AH, HA, HA, HA, HA…oh. good times!”

You have to love the crapulent Mitt for his love of crap. He always said he was a mischievous little dickens. Remember that , “hold the kid down and shave him bald” incident? Mitt himself said it was just hijinks, nothing more. Hijinks just like writing “HE” “LP” on the shoes of a friend gettinig married so “HELP” appeared when he knelt at the altar.

That’s funnier than shit. Bwah, haw, haw!

Now that the boys have bailed Dad out of the Stepford Dad box he was in, he’s all prepped to, “Win One with No. 1 and No. 2″. Just another happy go lucky man of the people, able to laugh at immigration reform and give a sheepish grin when he explains his wife wrote off $77,000 on her “dress-age” horse.

The change will all but clinch the teabag fringed hat wearing, misspelled sign carrying Tea Bagglers and sew up the “Back to Bush” crowd that so ardentally follows him. Every one loves a good giggle. Except…

…those damn no-humor Democrat bums. Come on! These are people who don’t find job loss, firing teachers, or tapping phones one damn bit funny. WTF democrats? Jump on the Five Bothers Express and  laugh a little.

If you don’t, you’ll be forced to cry.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture.

These are the Only Candidates We Can Field?

9:30 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The Barack Obama faithful are enthusiastically lining up behind their man even as a healthy heap of Democrats and moderates are either going elsewhere or sitting on the fence. It’s early yet, but polls already show Obama making few inroads against a gaff-prone, non-committal, out of touch boob of a pandermeister. That is not a good thing, early or not.I’ll confess up front that I wasn’t a dyed-in-the-wool Obama man in 2008. I felt as I usually do in Presidential elections – we have more than 300 million people in this country and these are the best we can field? At one point or another I toyed with almost all the candidates and found each of them lacking – some more than others.

However, I was sure of one thing. John McTheusela and Moosilini Mom were potentially even worse than George the Lesser – and those are big cowboy boots to fill. The nation was in the crapper and a cranky, serial panderer with skin as thin as a condom paired with an illiterate, half-term governor with an expensive clothes jones would only make things worse. So, it came down to a razor-thin choice between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama…and an opportunity to be called sexist by Hillary supporters and racist by Barack supporters depending on who I eventually voted for. Either way, I was pre-convicted in the court of public “isms” with only bad choices available.

Even though neither candidate was perfect, as none will ever be, I looked at both sets of campaign promises and found each acceptable to vote for.

Prepared for the Unpreparable

Those promises aside, I felt Hillary was as prepared to become President as anyone could be for a job for which nobody is truly qualified. My biggest knock against her was a belief that Republicans would make her an even more polarizing figure than she was as First Lady and that weakness would make digging out of the Bushole even tougher than it already was.

Barack had something the Cowboy With No Hat sorely lacked for 8 years – charisma and an ability to speak with a degree of intelligence while not sounding like an ignorant, shit-kicking goat-roper wearing Presidential Seal boots. Still he had a disturbing habit of speaking with his chin up and slightly pouted lip not unlike Mussolini. I also had dim hopes he could weasel at least some bipartisanship out of the MMA ring that is American politics. However, I didn’t completely buy into the whole Hope and Change thing. I may be a skeptic, but there’s a reason they call politics politics and some sunshine in the air never lasts, especially when Mitch “Yertle the Turtle” McConnell announced getting rid of the Kenyan Communist was his first, and only, priority for the next 4 years. Mitch may be an asscake, but he is true to his word.

While the current Obamunites have many good points proving things have gotten better, the general populace is still restive for some good reasons.

Yes, the previous Crapweasel-in-Chief tanked the economy, but the O-Man’s successes since then have been modest. When you sit in the Big Chair all issues great and small become your issues on Day 1, fairness and the poor ability for Presidents to cure economic ills notwithstanding. It goes with the crappy job. Besides, Obama’s economic cures started as small retools of flawed Bushian solutions he timidly deployed and including provisions – like excessive executive pay redress – falling by the wayside. Selecting a fox from the chicken coop for TreasSec, Timmy Geithner wasn’t a way to get tough with Big Ballsy St. either.

Sure, he sneaked a sort of health care past the perpetually healthy and wealthy crowd, but he did it by conceding plenty before his minions even entered the negotiation room – a used car salesman he clearly isn’t. He also picked it as his signature issue and decided to do it as his first big order of business – a rookie tactical mistake.

Pandering Isn’t an Altogether Bad Thing

LGBT rights were a general success, though he still straddles a line between saying what’s good for gays is good for the country and waffling on his “personal” belief that letting no man tear asunder God’s assertion that marriage doesn’t apply to gays. But he got it largely through, proving pandering isn’t an altogether bad thing.

But he’s not only been worthless on my core issues, he’s actually taken the Bush line and made it worse. Civil rights and a reasonable expectation that drones won’t be colonoscoping my kiester are hardly mentioned anymore. There is still a de facto suspension of habeas corpus and you can’t talk on your unregulated phone without being tapped and spied by ubiquitous street-corner TV cameras. Watch the TV show Person of Interest for a real reality show way more true than Snooki and Co.

I still have to strip to my skivvies to catch a flight and stand in a long, ill-tempered line for the privilege. Gitmo’s still an open sore on our international reputation and corporations and their Gods-on-Earth still run amok. And, despite quasi-draw downs both Iraq and Afghanistan are still wars no matter how you look at them. We fly drones over our erstwhile ally Pakistan with the same impunity we use them to spy on our own people and prop up an Afghanasshole who pisses on our shoes while we say, “thank you sir, may we have another squirt?”

No doubt, Obama has made headway and should get his just props, especially while doing it with an anvil tied around his neck. Am I, like the American people, demanding too much of a mere mortal? Yes, but we vote to get Gods, not Joe the plumber. We’re Americans. We’re funny that way.

No President ever measures up completely, but some do a much better job than others. All things equal, if I had a viable choice, I’d be looking for my God elsewhere. But, Mittens is not only unviable, he looks suspiciously like a Stepford Husband. As the election grows near, I’m shopping for a clothes pin for my nose and getting ready to vote for Mr. Obama.

And, wondering how we can have 300 million people and these are the only candidates we can field.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture.

Success and Failure Under the Pottery Barn Rule

5:05 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

THOU SHALT NOT BE STUPID – The Bible of Common Sense sez, “Know what you’re doing before you do it.”

Colin Powell warned the Bush administration about their twin Wars of Error with the Pottery Barn Rule – “You break it, you buy it.” Unfortunately, the Bush and Obama administrations chose long term leases with options to wreck the US economy.

In the beginning, the Crapweasel-in-Chief flexed his military muscle by starting a war on the Taliban in Afghanistan. Then, Bush the Lesser’s terminal case of ADD set the table for Operation Shit in Your Mess Kit in Iraq. As it became clearer the wars, supported by the Coalition of the Inept”, were cesspools of money-sucking, people-killing swill Bush and the Big Dick Cheney doubled down on surge and puffery.

The puffery was the worst. As regular as a cheap watch Condi Rice stood with Witless George to remind us victory was just around the corner…for 3-years running. When that message flopped, as anyone with an IQ greater than a doughnut hole could see it would, the chant became, “If we leave now Iraq and Afghanistan will descend into civil war.”

Sadly, it was one of the few prescient things to come out of the whole shameful experience. A “no-duh” revelation of mammoth proportions.

UNINTELLIGENT INTELLIGENCE – Make sure your Chief Spy knows what’s really going on.

We recently snuck out of Iraq in the middle of the night and even after leaving an Army of you and I paid mercenaries behind, the place is still a mess and the fighting is heating up again. The Real War has now droned on for over a decade and the Ombamulans are ready to pull the plug there.  They will find, as many other Afghan “conquerors” have found, that keeping roving bands of war lords from slitting each other’s throats just for the hell of it is a lot harder than it looks. Chaos will follow us across the bridge out of the place next year just at it did with the Soviets.

Four years too late, the Obamunist finally sees it isn’t worth pumping money into a house with a broken foundation. He is pulling back and predictably his opponents are blaming him for the “failure” of wars he didn’t start with outcomes already set and Bush revisionism spouting like a whale pod with allergies. He may be a slow learner, but his record is 8 years to 4 in the football game of failure. Just as his Senate war vote was ill-advised and cowardly it’s better to wake up late than never.

Make no mistake, we victimized ourselves with the Pottery Rule 100-fold, but crapped on the people of both places 1000-fold. We bombed Iraq back to the Stone Age and Afghanistan back to the 6,000-year old Christian creation. The places are far more dysfunctional than before we decided to “liberate” them from a workable infrastructure and all those pesky family members. The Iraqis are returning to the same feudalism that even a despot like Hussein could barely hold together. And the Afghans are, well, about the same as before.

People are blabbering about attacking far more talented Team Iran soon. Clearly some of us have forgotten that Iran soundly whipped second-string Iraq’s ass in the War Bowl. It’s time to start planning a response better than the Wars of Error debacle lest we bomb the hell out of someone with the same negative effect as Iraqistan.

It’s another stupendous, “no duh, moment”.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!