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What Do Mitt Romney and Joe the Plumber Have in Common?

4:56 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Here’s a burning question. What do Mitt Romney and Joe the Plumber have in common? As it turns out, they are each running the most incompetent political campaigns ever.

Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Plumber, is the honest-to-God, official Republican candidate for Ohio’s 9th Congressional District Representative. He opposes 15-term incumbent Democrat Marcy Kaptur. Joe has taken the novel position that the best way to run for Congress is to stay hidden. But not hidden in that Mitt Romney way where you cut a few stump speeches until the heat from your latest gaffe blows over. No, he means really hidden, as in you have to contact him through the country party chair because he doesn’t answer his phone hidden.

Obviously, this does not make the 9th District’s Republican swells happy. And therein lies the first commonality between Mitt and Joe. Their party hates them.

How Very Mittens

Former GOP County Commissioner Maggie Thurber said, “[Joe] has a campaign committee and a Web site, but has been conspicuously absent from the news over the last month. This is not the way to win a campaign.” It’s the same thing as Republicans in Congress running – not walking – away from him as we inch toward election day.

Steve Kraus, the man who lost to Joe in possibly the worst political embarrassment since John Ashcroft lost his Senate seat to a dead man, agreed. “It’s kinda sad. He’s not running the race he said he was going to run. Everybody’s complaining they don’t have signs; they don’t hear from him; they don’t know what’s going on.”

Even his opponent is disappointed. “It’s hard for me to really define what he stands for because he hasn’t appeared in public to explain any of his positions since the primary,” Kaptur said.

How very Mittens.

The second eerie Joe/Mitt parallel is their mutual dislike of Teh Media. “Quite frankly, politics suck, I hate it with a passion. Only reason I’m involved in it is I like history and I like government,” Joe said as he tried to dislodge a particularly big turd from a drain. Although Mitt doesn’t know any history, except the one he creates for himself, and hates government, except for the part that serves him, he hates the media too. But while Mitt will Dirty Sanchez the minions of Rupert Murdoch if he needs something, Joe shows a little backbone and eschews the media altogether.

“Quite frankly, it’s easier to talk to someone one-on-one instead of a group of people. You’re not going to be taken out of context, so somebody understands what you’re saying,” Mr. The Plumber said to the somebody who apparently understands.

“Last night I probably spoke to 100-some-odd people personally which is a lot better than speaking to 100 people at an event where I might meet 20 or 30 of them,” he said of the odd people. “It just comes down to simple mathematics. How can I meet more people, talk to more people, get them to know who I am?

Here’s a formula to meet more people Joe: media+audience=lots of people. Still, he knows absolutely nothing about how that tactic might work. “Is it is a winning strategy? I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone else has tried it,” Joe said. Mitt was thinking the same thing as Clint Eastwood was taking a chair.

Joe, like Mitt, blames the electorate. He said the public needs to do some of their own research.

Both men seek money by saying stupid things. Mitt made himself famous for his 47% and Middle East conflict speech at a fundraiser. And, let’s not forget his deft handling of the embassy bombing. at the same meeting. It turns out Joe is on the same extraterrestrial wavelength.

The Hollow ‘Victory Headquarters’

Joe the Unlicensed Plumber still appeals for contributions from his national sources, but maintains a “Victory Headquarters” he no longer uses. His latest bit of grifting attacked the media for bullying Mitt over his delicately nuanced comments about the deadly raid on the American consulate in Libya. He argued the real issue was the threat to national security.

Of course, all the bad press was caused by the press being bad – not, heaven forbid, the candidates themselves. But it doesn’t matter to the Romney or Wurzelbacher. “This week has been a disaster for Miss Kaptur, Barack Obama, and the Democrats as the world begins to crash in around them, yet you can see how the media is completely in the tank for them,” Joe wrote. If Mittens had seen the quote he probably would’ve added, “Yeah! What he said!”

There are other similarities too. Wurz is as great with Hispanic voters as Mitt. “For years I’ve said, ‘Put a damn fence on that border going to Mexico and start shooting,” he said about immigration reform.

Both of them claim to have come from humble economic stock. In Joe’s case it’s so bad he’s been “forced” to take a $5000 per month salary from his campaign. “I’ve not made millions of dollars off Joe the Plumber. In fact I’ve made less money. I’ve lost a lot of money, and I’ve sacrificed a great many things to represent a group of people who want their voices heard,” he said. Joe has about three and a half paychecks left in the campaign kitty.

Mitt and Joe are even in lockstep when it comes to supporting citizens in a transparent way. “I will work to earn your trust, and I will answer your questions directly. We may not always agree, but you will never have to guess where I stand,” Romney The Wurz said.

Mitt Romney and Joe the Plumber, two bat shit crazy peas in a Tea Party pea pod salad. Aside from one being bald and one having a fine head of hair, these guys are Siamese twins.

Hell, they even chose similarly insane vice presidential candidates.

2:19 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s been a rough decade or so for America. One disaster after another. I find it hard to get cranky over anything or anyone anymore and I’m ashamed to say my blog production has dropped off as a result.

People used to say I reminded them of, “a curmudgeon sitting on the porch, throwing firecrackers at the birds.” Now, I post a number of mildly entertaining pop culture videos or some personal story as often as politics. Even my more cantankerous posts lack the panache of old. Really, I don’t know how Christopher Hitchens managed to get his cranky on, even in the face of death.

But, I still dream of the days when I mustered the strength to pop someone’s head like a zit, to just let the vitriol fly and let the pus-covered words land where they may. That day has come. Let the popping begin:

No. 6: Pat Robertson – Failed Faith Healer and TV Evangiswindler

Pat’s never boring. You can count on him to say things so incredibly stupid he has no credibility as a comic after he says them. Pat, here’s to hoping the Lord God Almighty calls you on the Supertheist Hotline and strikes you popped, like a big juicy one.

BTW, take Michele Bachmann with you as a sort of DIY rapture.

No. 5: Sarah Palin – Failed Reality Show Character and Half-Term Governor

Sarah’s sexy schoolmarm look has worn dangerously thin. No one buys rimless glasses anymore. She’s all but stopped the comic gold Tweets and now can’t even seduce Joe the Plumber into the Tea Party – much less be a Kingmaker for the largest group of knotheads ever to run for public office. Republicans? Michele Bachmann. Really? C’mon.

Sadly, she’s a victim of America’s economic turmoil. After her last reality show tanked, she couldn’t get anyone to pick up her newest TV creation – “reality” life with the First Dood. Who knew salmon fishing could be so…um, uninteresting? Who would’ve imagined that she and multi-baby momma, Kate Gosselin, would both find themself unemployed and downwardly mobile members of the 99.99 percenters?

Hand me that Alaskan hunting knife…POP! Woooo, look at that gunk fly.

No. 4: The Occupy Movement

Michael Moore described the movement as “organic” without seeing the irony that mushrooms grown in shit are organic as well. They have lofty goals, most of which I applaud heartily. However, if you can get 54% of America to agree with you and then shortly thereafter have polls drop like anchors, you aren’t onto a good political strategy. (See Baggers, Failure, Tea)

Word. Stop keeping your enemies close and pissing off your friends (for example, the Longshoremen’s Union). Face it, if there’s one thing 99% of America hates it’s people who camp out on the grass in defiance of the Keep Off the Grass signs. Those pro-watching grass grow people mean business (Use of Deadly Pepper Spray Authorized).

BTW, fewer TV interviews with formerly middle class post-grads who trained for archeology, but now can’t find a job “in their field of study”. More interviews with people who not only can’t afford Christmas gifts, but food, clothing, shelter, and water too.

Herewith is a group pop, because the movement is so “organic” no single mushroom has emerged from the shit to take one for the team.

No. 3: Newt Gingrich – Deity

When Joe Scarborough says you’re just plain mean and you’re too crazy for Glenn Beck, some self-examination is in order – even if you’re congenitally unable to do it.

Newt has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Catacombs three times over. He will not get a pass on those, regardless of how above them he feels entitled to be. He’s now on Wife No. 36, more or less. He’s cheated on the lot of them and is probably grooming Wife No. 37 as we speak. No one believes that he’s really gone over to the God side except the American Family Association, Jim Bakker, and Billy Graham…and he’s almost dead and confused to boot.

Oh, and Joe Scarborough says you are a mean man.

May God have no mercy popping your zit.

No 2. Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh – Media Mavens Who Hate the Media

This one is really too easy, because they are really the same person. Same buffoonery, same blowhardism, and like Newt, same mean people.

If you have a TV or radio show, website, or both, you can’t talk about the media like it’s some underground nefarious plot by treasonous commies, socialists, or nazis who hate the Hate America First or War on Christmas crowds. Simply put, YOU ARE THE MEDIA YOU MORANS!

Each of you have skin thinner than a condom and egos the size of Donald Trump’s – although most of you have better hair (notwithstanding Rush’s bald pate). This is not an especially endearing combination except with survivalists still looking for Barack Hussein Obama’s “real” birth certificate under a chunk of Kenyan rock, and abortion clinic bombers.

Here’s a huge zit-pop for you.

CAUTION: Readers, please step away from the zit so you don’t get wet. This is a juicy one.

No. 1: Barack Obama – Change and Hope Peddler and World’s Worse Negotiator

He means well. He really does. He believes the whole change and hope thing, but wants to get to it by selling his skin to corporatists and any kowtowing to any interest group more powerful than the National Association of Wiener Dogs. He’s also under the misguided impression that bipartisanship actually works. When your opponents say “no” – or worse yet – “hell no” before you even float the infamous trial balloon, bipartisanship is a loser. How many times will he bang his head against this particular rock?

But, the O-Man’s biggest failure is as a negotiator. He bargains like a Rube trying to buy a Ford Pinto with only 3 wheels at Mad Man Dapper Dan’s Pre-Owned, Used Car Lot (“I’d give ‘em away, but my wife won’t let me.”). You don’t tell Dan exactly how much you have in your pocket and then begin haggling against yourself. Clearly, the Pinto will be just a hopeful and change-deprived dream.

True, he’s gotten few things done after a fashion, but his greatest claim to fame may be that he’s infinitely preferable than John McThusela and the Gun Totin’ Moose Mommy. Not a bad accomplishment in its own right.

Sorry Mr. President, but I’ll make this as painless as possible. I hope you can handle the change.

(Quick Stab) little ooze.

Damn! Vitriol feels so damn good. I FEEL ALIVE! ALIVE I SAY!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!