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You Know Why They Hate Us?

8:09 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Joe Scarborough, Conservative Fruitcake

(photo: DonkeyHotey/flickr)

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough created a controversy on Monday by suggesting Muslims and Arabs protesting the infamous, and infamously bad, anti-Islamic video hate America because of their religion and culture. “You know why they hate us?” he said. “They hate us because of their religion, they hate us because of their culture, and they hate us because of peer pressure. And you talk to any intelligence person, they will tell you that’s the same thing, and all those people who think we’re going to go over there and change them are just naive.”

Joe is specifically blaming Islamic religion and Arab culture, which isn’t necessarily true, but there are some connections – just not the type he’s suggesting. Before throwing his baby out with the bathwater, consider this:

Islam is not the problem. The Koran teaches more or less useful, peaceful lessons about loving your neighbor and doing good – at least you can interpret it that way. The Koran is no different than most holy books in that sense. It is all in the interpretation and who does the interpreting. Fortunately, the vast majority of Muslims follow the peaceful part and leave the troublemaking to a relatively small percentage of over-zealous firebrands. Violence is not a Muslim thing, it is a human thing.

Using Religion to Stir Up Trouble

Just as some fundamentalist Christians make weird and violent interpretations of the scriptures, some Muslim clerics who do the same with the Koran. There is little difference between a preacher who advocates killing abortion doctors or spewing Westboro Baptist’s, “God Hates Fags” lunacy and a Muslim cleric launching a fatwa against the U.S. because we “allowed” a nutty, money-laundering, soft porn maker to insult Muhammad and Allah. Both are prostitutions of religious teachings. But, that doesn’t mean that media, and especially politicians, don’t use religion to stir up trouble in the service of their own agendas.

In the current case, a gaggle of extremists wanted to advance their agenda. They could’ve made a more genuine argument by pointing out the many pitfalls of American policy and the damage they’ve been dealt by the World’s Only Remaining Superpower™. However, that’s a complicated, tough sell. Bar charts, pie graphs, and lectures from historians about American policy’s effect on the Arab/Israeli/American quagmire are yawners. It’s much easier to get the kids busy making fire bombs and laying in a good supply of rocks and protest signs, then light a match. Poor, uneducated people who’ve heard nothing but lies for centuries are fertile targets for a little rage.

Middle Eastern governments have a variety of reasons for keeping America’s feet over their citizen’s fires. For some, like Egypt’s Mubarak, the reason was not appearing to be an American puppet. The current Egyptian government is in turmoil over sectarian divides and is a still morphing “democracy” sitting atop shaky legs. They don’t want their people probing the fault lines too vigorously for fear of an everlasting Arab Spring, summr, fall, and winter.

Until recently, Pakistan put on a love America storyline for westerners, but told Pakistanis all their problems come from Washington. In Afghanistan, Karzai wants to deflect attention from his unfortunate appetite for airplane loads of $100 bills. If he doesn’t distract his people, they might want some of those pallets of money themselves. Libya is in shambles and the government so weak they couldn’t help the U.S. even if they wanted. It is easier for them to float the idea that the U.S. could’ve made everything easy had they just invaded the place and thrown Gaddafi out – but since they didn’t go bomb their place, not ours. And, stop asking questions.
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The Democrat’s Conspiracy…As Told By Rush Limbaugh

3:59 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Except for the 700 people he conned out of money for the original 700 Club, most people think Pat Robertson is bat shit crazy – especially when it comes to natural disasters. In his mind, hurricanes attack because cities support Teh Gays. Or, he prays them away from his home base in Virginia Beach VA, where he has substantial business interests and many of his suitably righteous homies live. But in the panoply of right-wing shitting bats he’s not exactly alone – take Rush Limbaugh. Please.

Robertson probably thought the Log Cabin Republicans were in the Tampa Coliseum (that public place built without public funds), tempting Hurricane Isaac to attack the Republican Convention. The homophobic hurricane caused a sharp curtailment in the number of statements that will be “misquoted”…verbatim. Even Ann Romney was put off telling the heart-warming, just plain folksy story of her Olympic show horse.

But Rush was “alleging no conspiracy” of the sort. In fact, Rush was, “alleging no conspiracy” that “the regime”, “the government”, and “Obama” ordered the National Hurricane Center to fake Isaac’s forecast to interrupt the tea party that is the Republican Convention.

“Alleging no conspiracy”, loudly, Rush said, “What could be better for the Democrats than the Republicans to cancel a day of this? I’m just telling you folks, when you put all this together in this timeline, I’m telling you, it’s unbelievable.” True, it’s unbelievable, but “the timeline” isn’t that unbelievable part.

This will come as a surprise, but the Democrats were probably more upset than the Republicans. With the delays and cancellations, the public didn’t hear walking w(h)ig and birther Donald Trump. A host of lesser Republican ignorati didn’t have the chance to dispute science and say incredibly stupid things they had to explain ad hominem before claiming they never said any such thing (while videotape of them saying every such thing plays in split screen).

Republican ladies didn’t get the chance to throw panties and tea bags on stage when that dashing hunk Paul Ryan appeared. Heck, even Mittens didn’t get to make an acceptance speech where he was for something (Romneycare) before he was against it (Obamacare). Good Lord, the Democrats don’t stand a chance now that the Republicans lost a campaign day as time runs out.

It seems clear that if anyone “is alleging no conspiracy”, it’s the Democrats.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor

Akin Didn’t ‘Misspeak’, He Believes Every Word

5:47 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Campaign 2012 is like most campaign years. It’s mean, it’s nasty, it’s vituperous. There is plenty of truth stretching and truth breaking and as many opinions as people who have them. Dump trucks of dollars blow in an ill wind and the intransigent become the immovable. This is politics American style and for better or worse many people have come to see it as a big game in which everything is fair in love and…well, you know the rest.

To intelligent and sane observers this travesty sucks the nation deeper into the muck at the bottom of a very deep well. It is depressing really. Many people who used to faithfully follow the issues and reliably vote their conscience – right or left – based on the best possible information are opting out of America’s foremost democratic privilege.

It appears sanity left the barn long ago – perhaps too long ago to coral it now. Intelligence is already edging to the door, so let’s discuss it before it too slips irretrievably away.

Although gross partisanship, shameful tactics, and misrepresentations are reprehensible, there is a growing element of willful ignorance carrying the day.

The Fable of the ‘Legitimate Rape’

Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) is the latest example. On Sunday, he spouted his now infamous lines about women’s bodies being able to correct the effects of “legitimate rape”.

First, what is a legitimate vs. an illegitimate rape? Second, Akin is repeating a “medical” position from the 13th century. Its non-validity should be beyond question for anyone with even a marginal acquaintance with human reproduction, women, rape victims, or news about rape. Still, he’s not alone. Just ask state Rep. Stephen Freind (R-PA) who estimated the chance a rape victim would become pregnant as “one in millions and millions and millions.

Both Freind and Akin ‘apologized‘ with the usual ‘I misspoke’ homilies. Akin still says he’ll not drop out of his senate race, but the man has become such an albatross around Mitt the Ancient Mariner’s neck the GOP will soon pitch him overboard – with an anvil tied around his neck. Politically, he is not long for this world.

But the amazing thing is not that he said something so stupid. The amazing thing is he apparently believes this stuff. He didn’t ‘misspeak’. He believes every word and he joins a growing and ignominious list of people who seem to believe similar stupid things without hesitation.

The Unauthorized Colonoscopies Are on Mordak

Birthers ‘know’ Obama is a Kenyan communist, despite every kind of proof that anyone can give. They aren’t just politicking, they believe it – fervently -  in the same way some people believe UFOs swept down in the night and treated them to unauthorized colonoscopies. It doesn’t matter what proof they get, as if there was something that hadn’t already been handed over, it will not convince them otherwise.

Michele Bachmann believed the U.S. Census was an Obama plot to collect everyone and put them in FEMA interment camps. There is no reason to distrust what she says. I saw her say it and she seemed pretty genuine to me. Besides, she has a whole string of these fantasies including curing teh gay and communists behind every pillar in Washington – among others.

Pat Robertson believes hurricanes strike because people support gays. He also believes he can pray them away from his hometown. Just last week he said international adoptions are a bad idea because the kids, “grow up weird“. There is no shortage of the things the man doesn’t hallucinate and believe with all his heart.

Long is the list of loons who believe being gay is not only a guarantee they are pedophiles, but that they’re also trying to recruit other pedophiles like some To Catch a Predator army recruiter. DADT is in place, but for years many people believed you were somehow less gay if you weren’t asked if you were gay.

Just ordinary – and sometimes some decidedly not-so-ordinary – folks cite their constitutional rights by claiming the Declaration of Independence grants them. This might not be so bad if you pointed out they were looking at the wrong parchment and they corrected themselves. Instead, try it and you’ll get an earful of how your socialist ways mean nothing and the Declaration does so grant rights.

Spelling-Challenged Sign Makers

From severely spelling-challenged sign makers to those who believe the Constitution guarantees the right to deprive non-Christians of their citizenship, we’ve become a nation of supreme nincompoops.

This many stupid people, this many unable to verify the easily verifiable people, led by those who are equally ignorant cannot be simple happenstance. It is willful ignorance. It is the kind of ignorance you couldn’t break with a 12-megaton bomb. It is the ignorance of the tree stump or can of peas. If you looked up the word “imbecile” in the dictionary, you would see a picture of someone like Akin, Robertson, or Bachmann.

These people, some with college degrees, believe a degree makes you an dangerous elitist unqualified to speak about education. Yet, they are quite loud in their own educational theories.

They hold forth about how education is impossible without pitching biology or anthropology in favor of a theory that men and dinosaurs once roamed the Earth side-by-side. They see nothing wrong with removing verifiable historical facts from history curricula and replacing them with half-truths better suited to their ignorance of history. They see nothing wrong, because they believe what they spout.

Clearly Akin has to go, and he will just as soon as the RNC can slip some free weights around his neck. But let’s not forget why he has to go. It isn’t because he’s an ideologue. It isn’t because his apologies are about as sincere as Hitler’s promise not to invade the Poland. It isn’t because he is anti-abortion or had a slip of the tongue.

It is because he is truly, unexaggeratedly stupid…stupid in the largest, most perfect sense of the word in which he believes every ignorant syllable he uttered.

Forgive them Lord for they know exactly what they do…they are stupid.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor

Dear Abby: Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Week

5:52 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s a rare week when someone from the Traditional Values cabal doesn’t say something insane. This may be a result of being insane. It may be a result of too much bottle feeding as a baby. Maybe they are even geniuses and just like screwing with the rest of us. Who knows? But just for sad, sad giggles so we can keep from crying, here is some Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Weak (pun intended).

Christ-Like Pat Robertson Offers Christ-Like Advice About Christ

Pat Robertson with his eyes closed

Pat Robertson (Photo: Daniel Oines / Flickr)

Pat Robertson is up to his old verbal tricks again. I was expecting him to come out with something about God sending the droughts, frying egg on the sidewalk temperatures, or the “corporations are people because I am one” argument because Paul Lynde was gay. Then, SURPRISE! It’s “Christ-like” to dump your Islamo-terrorist girlfriend. Who knew?!

Brad, a 700 Club viewer, asked Pat for some relationship advice on Monday – which is a little like asking a Catholic priest for marriage advice.

Brad has a Muslim girlfriend and he’s “worried that leaving her will turn her off to Christianity and, it isn’t exactly Christ-like.”  – which seems like an odd question considering Muslims probably aren’t too turned on by Christianity anyway – I know I’m not.

Pat’s advice was spot-on, for a zealot…’Jesus doth command, kickith thy biatch to thy curb‘. “Yes, it is Christ-like [to break up with her],” Robertson said. “In the Old Testament, they were forbidden to intermarry with the heathen.”

It wasn’t immediately clear whether Pat was referring to Muslims or Christians as being “the” heathen.

700 Club co-host Terry Meeuwsen added with Freudian slippery chuckles, “It’s funny how we twist and turn what God’s word has to say to make it right for what we want.”

Boy howdy Terry, you said it! Pat ‘whole-Christian-hearterdly’ agreed. “Jesus said, ‘I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. He’s not gentle Jesus, meek and mild. He really isn’t.”

Well no-duh Patrick.

My Lunacy Can Top Your Lunacy Mr. Televangelist

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No One WANTS an Abortion

10:34 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

I’m not a woman nor do I pretend to know what it feels like to be one. However, I’m fairly certain that when a woman finds out she is pregnant she doesn’t say, “Gee, I think I’ll have an abortion. I’ll invite my girlfriends. Maybe grab a salad and spend a little time at the spa before we go for drinks. It’ll be fun.”

Sign: Stop the War on Women!

Photo: Timothy Krause / Flickr.

Despite what some would have you believe, no one wants an abortion. It isn’t a cavalier decision or a comfortable experience. Myriad are the ways women come to that awful decision. It may not be compatible with what you would do or lack careful consideration of all the options, but it isn’t yours and it isn’t easy.

Homelessness is a Terrible Thing to Endure

Perhaps Mom simply can’t afford it. Not in the sense she’ll have to forgo girls-night-out, but in the sense there won’t be enough food to feed or house the child. No matter how much a mother loves a baby, homelessness is a terrible thing for a child to endure.

Some may tragically find their baby severely handicapped or otherwise non-viable. Those mothers may be honest enough to admit they don’t have the wherewithal to cope. The toll could be severely emotional for mother and child or it could be practical. She may lack health insurance for stupefyingly huge medical bills or be insured by an outfit that pays only a token portion of the bill.

Still others may be victims of rape or incest, carrying a baby for which they may not have the most motherly of feelings or be in a situation where they and the baby are at risk of harm from their attackers. A situation where the woman is beaten so badly as to lose the baby ends up the same – an abortion with no good done for the mother, the baby, or society.

Those who oppose abortion often do it for religious reasons or harbor fantasies about other coping mechanisms. They often oppose sex education under the impression that teaching someone to put on a condom automatically enrages their hormones enough to go out and use it. That is a case of “Just Say Yes”.

Some suggest adoption and that may sometimes be viable. However, for some babies adoptions just transfer the child from frying pan to fire. Handicapped and minority babes have notoriously low adoption rates and they may spend much of their childhoods in foster homes that prepare them for nothing more than deprivation and a life of crime, on the dole, or worse. But for some, adoption isn’t an option. Mothers whose lives are at risk may never make it through a pregnancy to put the baby up for adoption.

There’s a Reason They Call It Planned Parenthood

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The Jewish Carpenter Would Look Down on George Carlin’s Nailing Fools

6:00 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The brilliant George Carlin once said, “If you can nail together two things that have never been nailed together before, some dumb schmuck will buy it from you”. Nobody demonstrates this better than the Not So Fun Fundamentalist Right crowd.

Let’s watch as they pull out the hammer and pound a few nails:

Bryan Fischer Among the Cannibals The American Family Association’s Backward Christian Soldier, Bryan Fischer, stands in front of a billboard-sized copy of the Constitution to proclaim Conservatives should be foursquare in favor of discrimination. In the speech he compares gay Americans  to,  “people who…eat the faces off homeless people.”

Apparently, Fish didn’t hear face-eater Rudy Eugene’s mom describing her son. She said he was, “a church boy” and Miami police confirmed it. Eugene was carrying a Bible when he stopped for lunch at the Donner Party Buffet. He was apparently straight and had a girlfriend who “felt safe” with him because he was so religious. The Fischerman is no friend of the heaven-sent, people-eating grizzly bear either.

Know Your Enemy: Lesbian Jane Lynch! All you Glee fans out there turn off your sets! Televangelist James Robison is convinced the show will destroy America! And here I thought it was the blatant ripoff of the equally lame series Fame. Damn that lesbian, Jane Lynch!

A Profile in Courage Pastor Curtis Knapp of the New Hope Baptist Church thinks LGBT folks have it too damn easy. They’re just like incestuous people and polygamists and so should be put to death, “We punish incest, we punish polygamy and various things. It’s only homosexuality that is lifted out as an exemption.”

Even though incest and polygamy aren’t capital offenses, too damn bad. Off ‘em anyway. But, the good pastor is a little squeamish. When asked on CNN if he should be killing gays he said, “No, I’m saying the government should. They won’t, but they should.”

So Sayeth the Dean of Wingnuts…Of course, what’s a round-up of the odd without Pat Robertson, the Dean of Wingnuts? The man who can pray away hurricanes compares polygamy, bestiality, and pedophilia among many other things.

Beasts Making the Beast With Two Backs Ah, the gay-begets-bestiality cabal is in full voice. Pastor Tim Rabon, of Raleigh’s Beacon Baptist Church, believes in the Rick Santorum man-on-dog sex theory. The pastor thinks redefining marriage is the Devil’s Dog’s work. “What is stopping them from refining marriage from a person and a beast? We’re not far from that.”

Tamara Scott, Michele Bachmann acolyte, doesn’t see dogs in the picture, but the Eiffel Tower? That’s another story. BTW, Michele was pretty worried about being shipped off to a FEMA-run concentration camp once upon a time.

Heil Hitler! Bryan Fischer being Bryan Fischer, he gets two mentions. He believes almost the entire Nazi Party was gay. I’m not sure exactly how that would work when gays are such a small percentage of the population and that Hitler considered himself Christian and wasn’t gay and the Nazis were famously homophobic.

Nothing Hugs Like HuggiesOne of my favorite things nailed together is Pastor Patrick Wooden’s contention that gay sex causes gay men to need diapers or butt plugs. Aside from the fact he seems to think the real reason men can reproduce is because semen and sh*t don’t mix. He had no opinion on whether straight people, some of them surely Christian, engaging in anal sex would leak like a meal filled with Olestra.

I assume he also opposes sex education.

All of these people’s boss might have been a Jewish carpenter, but I’m skeptical he built the sort of house they have in mind. It would’ve had the worst foundation imaginable, paper-thin walls they’d blow out with their own unprayed away bloviations, and a roof that even a mother would wish they jump from.

George, you’re right. These boobs keep nailing things together and dumb schmucks keep tossing the money in their collection plates.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture.

God Needs a Better PR Team

4:56 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

God Wants Low Wages

GOD WANTS LOW WAGES – Pay them nothing and they will teach.

I’ve only half-joked for years that God really needs a better PR team here in the temporal world. Some of the most log-headed charlatans, grifters, and just plain logically-challenged people claim to speak on His behalf. Pat Robertson, Ted Haggard, and the ethically inept Newt Gingrich are just a few who work non-stop to tarnish God’s image.

Unfortunately, there’s another PR flack trying to grab a share of the ignobility. AL state Sen. Shadrack (Shadrack, really? Shadrack?) McGill is currently charming the nation’s electorate with the fanciful notion that God has issued an edict that teachers should be underpaid, perhaps as foretold in the Book of Ignoramus.

“It’s a Biblical principle. If you double a teacher’s pay scale, you’ll attract people who aren’t called to teach. To go and raise someone’s child for eight hours a day, or many people’s children for eight hours a day, requires a calling. It better be a calling in your life. I know I wouldn’t want to do it, OK?”

Oddly, though not surprisingly, McGill doesn’t extend the same “logic” to lawmakers. Last year he voted for a 62% increase in his pay.

Lawmakers: Bribed, Not Called

I suppose this illuminates his idea that lawmakers don’t need to be called to serve, they must be bribed to take on the job. It’s not unlike paying a large retention bonus to the CEO who ran the company into the ground because his expertise is essential to rebuilding the business.

But in his defense, McGill reasons that by paying lawmakers more they’re less susceptible to bribery – apparently bribery from someone other than the unbribable legislators themselves.

Head-scratcher, ain’t it?

It doesn’t do much for his credibility that he voted to tie legislators’ pay to the average Alabama teacher’s pay last year and reversed course this year. It’s OK though, flip flopping is a venerated sport at the Statehouse Country Club and the all seeing, all knowing God won’t really notice a little free play with facts.

Darby McGill and the Little People claim Alabama teachers are the 4th best paid in the country. Now I don’t know about you, but most people know that pretty much everything in Alabama education sucks a big weenie. They usually joust with Mississippi for the 49th or 50th spot in everything – although Propped 13 California is a strong up and commer. The true value of an Alabama teacher’s pay actually ranks 31st in the National Miseducation Sweepstakes.

Smite That Rascal Lord

Hey McGill, wait a minute. If that No. 4 standing is correct aren’t you overpaying teachers and attracting a bad crowd of the unmotivated kind? Shouldn’t you work harder to lower Alabam’s No. 4 ranking to 49th – or at least 45th?

If you’ll excuse a minor blasphemy…my God. If you claim to be serving as God’s on-scene commander, the least you could do is get your story straight. It might also sit better with the Big Guy if you didn’t stand behind his robes and yell, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but my words and actions will never haunt me.”

God, I know you and I haven’t been on a first name basis for close to 45 years now, but I like to think we at least have a workable truce. So I beseech thee, if you’re really there control people like McGill. They do a disservice to you and just really chap the pants off the rest of us – You-fearing and not fearing alike.

Smite him o’ Lord. Cast him into the fiery pit of the unelectable. Just take away his 62% pay hike before you give him the eternal shove.

Can I get an Amen?

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Jerusalem on Edge of War on New Year

11:25 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Jerusalem – Sectarian tensions rose yesterday as the UN International Dateline Commission convened its 2012 session. At issue was determining how to move the tiny Pacific Island nations of Samoa and Tokelau to the opposite side of the International Dateline.

Minor skirmishes broke out when Christian, Jewish, and Muslim supporters fought for hours over which calendar – GregorianHariji, or Hebrew – to use in planning the move. Chinese representatives remain neutral on the calendar question and the Romans voted in absentia for the Julian Calendar.

The fighting broke out after the Christian delegation charged the Muslim and Jewish delegations of declaring a War on New Year.

“They declared a War on Christmas and now they’re trying to steal the entire year from us,” said Hank Hucklebuck, Chairman of the God Says We’re Right and You’re Wrong Alliance. “Like Christmas, New Year has been part of a Christian tradition leading all the way back to 1582 when St. Greg of the Equinox threw out that evil Julian calendar.”

“Look, Christians are a fair-minded lot and we would never want to deprive others of their right to celebrate the New Year as they wish. However, we’re right, they’re wrong and only God can change that. We have already contacted his representative, Pat Robertson, to negotiate when our calendar will be chosen. We are looking forward to resolving this issue peacefully,” Hucklebuck said.

Muslim representatives had a different point of view.

“Those Christians are always going around shoving Jesus into our faces. To me this has nothing to do with the calendar. Mohamed is clearly the most important of any prophet in any religion and he chose the Hariji. Of that, there is no question,” said Isaiah Mustafa.

Israel’s Hebrew Calendar Defense League threatened violence if the Gregorian or Hariji calendars were adopted.

“We may have nuclear weapons. We have a very capable fighting force. We have the might of the last remaining global superpower behind us. We will prevail,” said Bibi Badder, Chief of Israel’s Time Continuum Militia. “If our calendar is not chosen, as as God directs, we will bomb the US Congressional Prayer Caucus, Iran, and both Michele Bachmann and that other fool…Richard Santorum.”

Fighting calmed only slightly after several unsuccessful attempts to negotiate a cease fire. Sources say that negotiations broke down when representatives could not agree on a calendar to use in setting up the ceasefire timing. A small group of Atheists tried to enter the meeting and offer a compromise based on a scientific calendar, but Islamic, Christian, and Jewish members threw stones at them until they drove them from the Temple on the Mount.

“We may not be able to agree on a calendar,” Hucklebuck said, “but we can all agree that whatever the atheists propose is complete scientific mumbo-jumbo.”

When it appeared the chance for an agreement was unlikely the Christian delegation decided to gear up their grassroots War on Christmas organization for a War on New Year. They’ve called on Fox News to launch the crusade immediately. Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity have already come aboard.

“People will call things by their proper Christian names or they will be hanged as enemy combatants for their violations of our family values. If we do not win this war – though that’s impossible because God is on our side – homosexualist indoctrinators will tell our kids they can’t pray in school and a massive outbreak of man-on-horse sex could rage,” said GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum.

“Mark my words.”

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

2:19 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s been a rough decade or so for America. One disaster after another. I find it hard to get cranky over anything or anyone anymore and I’m ashamed to say my blog production has dropped off as a result.

People used to say I reminded them of, “a curmudgeon sitting on the porch, throwing firecrackers at the birds.” Now, I post a number of mildly entertaining pop culture videos or some personal story as often as politics. Even my more cantankerous posts lack the panache of old. Really, I don’t know how Christopher Hitchens managed to get his cranky on, even in the face of death.

But, I still dream of the days when I mustered the strength to pop someone’s head like a zit, to just let the vitriol fly and let the pus-covered words land where they may. That day has come. Let the popping begin:

No. 6: Pat Robertson – Failed Faith Healer and TV Evangiswindler

Pat’s never boring. You can count on him to say things so incredibly stupid he has no credibility as a comic after he says them. Pat, here’s to hoping the Lord God Almighty calls you on the Supertheist Hotline and strikes you popped, like a big juicy one.

BTW, take Michele Bachmann with you as a sort of DIY rapture.

No. 5: Sarah Palin – Failed Reality Show Character and Half-Term Governor

Sarah’s sexy schoolmarm look has worn dangerously thin. No one buys rimless glasses anymore. She’s all but stopped the comic gold Tweets and now can’t even seduce Joe the Plumber into the Tea Party – much less be a Kingmaker for the largest group of knotheads ever to run for public office. Republicans? Michele Bachmann. Really? C’mon.

Sadly, she’s a victim of America’s economic turmoil. After her last reality show tanked, she couldn’t get anyone to pick up her newest TV creation – “reality” life with the First Dood. Who knew salmon fishing could be so…um, uninteresting? Who would’ve imagined that she and multi-baby momma, Kate Gosselin, would both find themself unemployed and downwardly mobile members of the 99.99 percenters?

Hand me that Alaskan hunting knife…POP! Woooo, look at that gunk fly.

No. 4: The Occupy Movement

Michael Moore described the movement as “organic” without seeing the irony that mushrooms grown in shit are organic as well. They have lofty goals, most of which I applaud heartily. However, if you can get 54% of America to agree with you and then shortly thereafter have polls drop like anchors, you aren’t onto a good political strategy. (See Baggers, Failure, Tea)

Word. Stop keeping your enemies close and pissing off your friends (for example, the Longshoremen’s Union). Face it, if there’s one thing 99% of America hates it’s people who camp out on the grass in defiance of the Keep Off the Grass signs. Those pro-watching grass grow people mean business (Use of Deadly Pepper Spray Authorized).

BTW, fewer TV interviews with formerly middle class post-grads who trained for archeology, but now can’t find a job “in their field of study”. More interviews with people who not only can’t afford Christmas gifts, but food, clothing, shelter, and water too.

Herewith is a group pop, because the movement is so “organic” no single mushroom has emerged from the shit to take one for the team.

No. 3: Newt Gingrich – Deity

When Joe Scarborough says you’re just plain mean and you’re too crazy for Glenn Beck, some self-examination is in order – even if you’re congenitally unable to do it.

Newt has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Catacombs three times over. He will not get a pass on those, regardless of how above them he feels entitled to be. He’s now on Wife No. 36, more or less. He’s cheated on the lot of them and is probably grooming Wife No. 37 as we speak. No one believes that he’s really gone over to the God side except the American Family Association, Jim Bakker, and Billy Graham…and he’s almost dead and confused to boot.

Oh, and Joe Scarborough says you are a mean man.

May God have no mercy popping your zit.

No 2. Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh – Media Mavens Who Hate the Media

This one is really too easy, because they are really the same person. Same buffoonery, same blowhardism, and like Newt, same mean people.

If you have a TV or radio show, website, or both, you can’t talk about the media like it’s some underground nefarious plot by treasonous commies, socialists, or nazis who hate the Hate America First or War on Christmas crowds. Simply put, YOU ARE THE MEDIA YOU MORANS!

Each of you have skin thinner than a condom and egos the size of Donald Trump’s – although most of you have better hair (notwithstanding Rush’s bald pate). This is not an especially endearing combination except with survivalists still looking for Barack Hussein Obama’s “real” birth certificate under a chunk of Kenyan rock, and abortion clinic bombers.

Here’s a huge zit-pop for you.

CAUTION: Readers, please step away from the zit so you don’t get wet. This is a juicy one.

No. 1: Barack Obama – Change and Hope Peddler and World’s Worse Negotiator

He means well. He really does. He believes the whole change and hope thing, but wants to get to it by selling his skin to corporatists and any kowtowing to any interest group more powerful than the National Association of Wiener Dogs. He’s also under the misguided impression that bipartisanship actually works. When your opponents say “no” – or worse yet – “hell no” before you even float the infamous trial balloon, bipartisanship is a loser. How many times will he bang his head against this particular rock?

But, the O-Man’s biggest failure is as a negotiator. He bargains like a Rube trying to buy a Ford Pinto with only 3 wheels at Mad Man Dapper Dan’s Pre-Owned, Used Car Lot (“I’d give ‘em away, but my wife won’t let me.”). You don’t tell Dan exactly how much you have in your pocket and then begin haggling against yourself. Clearly, the Pinto will be just a hopeful and change-deprived dream.

True, he’s gotten few things done after a fashion, but his greatest claim to fame may be that he’s infinitely preferable than John McThusela and the Gun Totin’ Moose Mommy. Not a bad accomplishment in its own right.

Sorry Mr. President, but I’ll make this as painless as possible. I hope you can handle the change.

(Quick Stab) little ooze.

Damn! Vitriol feels so damn good. I FEEL ALIVE! ALIVE I SAY!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

1:39 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

When you’re talking about the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) a good defense is apparently a good offense – and no one is more offensive than Pat Robertson.

Robertson, God’s official gaffemeister, says it’s okay to punch out of a presumably ‘traditional’ marriage if one spouse has Alzheimer’s.

“I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s (the spouse) going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.

From the quote, it’s hard to tell if he intends this privilege as a traditional male-only perk, but that’s another gaffe for another day.

Robertson’s unusual advice comes with a sort of ecumenical escape clause. According to God’s worst PR person, marriage vows to take each other “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health,” are suspended by the whole “til death do us part” sub-clause.

Why? Robertson says Alzheimer’s is “a kind of death.” He doesn’t cite a traditional values bible passage explaining his position, but if gays can cause hurricanes and earthquakes I suppose Robertson can choose only the gospels he finds convenient.

Robertson also breaks from the traditional dogma followed by most other Christians by ignoring Jesus’s words in the Gospel of Mark. Words that say divorce and remarriage is adultery. You know, that pesky 7th Commandment plastered on school hallways across the land.

Perhaps Robertson needs to stop by a school hallway for a refresher course.

As with most of his goof-spouting, he derives his idea of consistent piousness comes from the same intellectual font as Michelle Bachmann’s – Nasty, Rude, Brutish, and Short – Official Barristers to God. He gets all the communal property in his traditional values divorce so he can dole it out as he sees fit, including his definition of death.

Morality is the business of the person living it, not some failed faith healer claiming to have a non-secular cellphone with the Big Guy on speed dial. Married gays would, and expect to be, in the same positions as straights. Some accept each other in, “for better or worse and in sickness and health, until death do us part” and stick it out. Some, not so much. Just like traditional couples. It’s a tough decision for anyone, so I’d suggest you follow your own wise advice. “(I) wouldn’t put a guilt trip on anyone who took such a step.”

But Pat, if you wouldn’t put it this on someone else, you should feel guilty as hell about putting a guilt trip in other circumstances – like gay marriage.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!