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Newt Gingrich: Leading the Cockroach Ticket

2:58 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Newt's Dick

AND THEN I TOLD MARIANNE… – “Darlin’, I got some serious junk here and there’s just too much of Newt to not share the wealth.”

Newt Gingrich has an ego as big as all outdoors, or at least a big as Donald Trump’s. He’s a historian with only a nodding acquaintance with text book history and his own self-professed place in it.  The other thing Newt has is a propensity for pissing people off. People like voters and political allies in his own party. While this isn’t an altogether useless skill in an election, it isn’t so great when a President has to work with people rather than through them. If cockroaches will survive nuclear holocaust Newt will be right there tossing garbage to them.

Newt and the Bulldog
The Grey One has already screwed the pooch in the opinion of most political pundits. Screwed the bulldog just like The Crazy One, The Pizza Deliverer, Governor Big Hair, and The Unknown Candidate. He’s left competing with The Even Crazier One, The Crazy Little Old Man, and The Moronic Mormon.  As long as evangelicals, pissed off white guys, and the rest of the Ignorati from small, unimportant states vote like lemmings he’ll still be winner take all on pure political gutsiness.

Make no mistake, Newt will become the candidate. I’m not a believer in legislating personal behavior , but a man pandering to values voters while having none of his own isn’t a problem. The values folks vote that way all the time and a little pecker-waving is a small price to pay beating The Messiah (oh, and BTW, when’s he going to show us his birth certificate?). By election time, the Mormon will have as big a reputation for never meeting a position he didn’t like and revealing his birth certificate instead of his 0% tax rate forms will be the least of his problems.

Newt is Newt
Newt will stride across the GOP stage like John McTheusela and try to convince the Republicans that running as President and Vice President at the same time is a good thing. After all, he’s Newt and Newt is more powerful than God. Still, some single-payer corporate grifters will kibosh the idea and force Newt to take on a wildly ridiculous running mate, maybe a Dan Quayle comeback.

The Dems will float a Biden Presidential run because they are just as afraid of Newt as the few thinking Republicans are.  But eventually, The Messiah will clinch the nomination after some public cat herding. Eventually, the Obamunator will win by the skin of his socialist nose after Newt’s hubris trips him up by saying something so weird even the Republicans can’t overlook it – perhaps moving into the White House immediately after his nomination.

Never underestimate the power of a man who can schtup wife two while taking on the Stepford Wife with the bad hair and can explain that the whole thing was Calista’s doing.

Hey, it could happen.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich

2:16 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Poll watchers are writing the obituary for Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich. Pundits are screaming at each other with full-throated vigor and the public stands agog that none of the punditocrisy saw this coming.

“Newt’s a smart guy and will pull it all together!” Newt has too much baggage and doesn’t have a hope in hell” go the chants.

My opinion is that Newt has an ego that would give Donald Trump a hard on. And, he likes to play the “(revised) history professor” to a party well-known as the ignorati since medieval serfs used sticks for shovels… and housing… and, when necessary, food. Besides, everyone had a 7th grade history teacher that hated them. That memory is really hard to overcome.

Newt, the Small Salamander
In the end, Newt will fall into his own mouth and swallow himself into a heftily paid lobbyist and “professor” in some of the nation’s most academically-challenged institutions of higher learning. Besides, he’s named for a small amphibian and that’s a heavy cross to bear.

Noting unusual here. Politicians flame out all the time.  What seems to differ this time is that the Republican field is like the Kentucky Derby with 6 more horses than starting gates.

So far, the ultra-insane wing – Michele Bachmann and Governor Goodhair – have fallen prey to that old political disease, Village Idiot Syndrome. Herman Cain – who passes for a moderate in today’s Republican Party – went down with “I Can’t Keep it in My Pants” Disease.

Rick Santorum is a late bloomer angling for the “Uber-Ultra Insanitite With a Cherry on Top” vote. He’ll fare about as well as anyone who, when Googled, displays a picture of runny shit.

Jon Huntsman will die a quiet political death while trying to explain how his billionaire father has nothing to do with his campaign while accepting more money than God from him. Breeding truly tells.

Ron Paul will pull the hardcore daffies like he’s the second coming of Dennis Kucinich, but daffiness doesn’t sell nearly as well as bat-shit, full-moon lunacy.

That religious cultist Mitt Romney – who’s sole redeeming feature is that he isn’t one of the others – will still lose. It seems what you don’t say is almost as bad a saying something stupid. Wearing special underwear and having been named for a piece of baseball equipment will not overcome his challenges either.

I Love the Smell of Moose Urine in the Morning
Who’s left? No, not Donald Trump. He won’t find campaigning nearly as cool as delusional idol worship, gold-plated everything, and swag lamps. The White Trump House is simply not klassy enough for him.

But, is that moose urine or wolf carcass offal on the tundra I smell? Why of course, Yosemite Samantha Sarah is baaaack!

She’s nowhere as loony as Santorum or Bachmann, but they’ve been genetically bred for maximum hilarity – religious, anti-chimp/anti-evolution claims notwithstanding.  Perry gives her a run for her money, but in the end he still sounds like George the Lesser raised from the dead. And the one thing everyone agrees is that George the Lesser should be exiled to Sardinia… forever.

For some inexplicable reason, people will listen to her. Maybe it’s her folksy delivery or sexy schoolmarm schtick. Maybe it’s her “just plain folks” sensibilities. “She just seems so darn nice,” Republican women will gush. People see her as having the same troubles as them. After all, her reality show was cancelled and it’s replacement withered on the vine. Everyone can relate to that, can’t they?

Of course, Obama will win the election – not because people like him – but because they see how bad things are now and are absolutely terrified it’ll get even worse with someone else in the catbird seat.

Surprisingly, Republicans aren’t driving nails into their own coffin with this baffling array of candidates with donut holes for brains. No, they’ll just look like buffoons until such time as the Democrats out-buffoon them and then put up some yokel with lots of money and no morals for the win.

Sigh…

One Percenters Have the Most to Lose

12:43 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The Middle Class and the LionsGOLDBRICKERS – It’s easier to not care about jobs when you already have one.

Tea Partiers often cite the inability to cut budgets through the bone and still run the government on drill baby, drill fumes as a cruel thing to foist on future generations. While we need to cut expenses, the more important task is creating jobs with livable wages – not the French frying legion of Rick Perry’s Clown Star economic miracle nor the too-small-to-live businesses so poorly run and under-capitalized they can’t afford to pay them.

As the OWS uprising shows, 99 Percenters are fed up with economic policies that benefit the few at debilitating cost to the many. New polls show the even the 99 percent are in the throes of economic balkanization among themselves. The income disparity between subgroups that help define the 99% and America’s greatest contribution to the global economy – a sustainable middle class -  show a clear and present danger that taxes will be the least of the next generation’s worries. Read the rest of this entry →

Rick and Anita Perry: Whaaaa! You’re Bruitalizing US!

9:16 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Erstwhile First Lady, Anita Perry, stepped in to help her goobulent hubby this week by charging Gov. Goodhair is being “brutalized” because he’s a Christian.

On the surface it’s a laughable claim considering the current GOP field has somewhere between 15 and 1000 candidates on any given day. All of them are Christian (except for those dirty, cross-bred Mormo-terrorists). All of them are conservatives. None of them survive more than a week behind the podium. And all of them have 9-9-9 nutty ideas.

 

Jesus Has Nothing on Brutalized Christians
It’s tough spiritual life wherein the 10% or so non-Christian people of America beat them to a pulp by not allowing them to say Merry Christmas or nail the 10 Commandments to every flat surface in the land. I’ll let those numbers speak for themselves.

Then there’s Anita’s second claim. That mean old Obamunist in the White House pushed her son, Griffin, out into the cold light of unemployment.

“My son lost his job because of this administration,” Anita whined. “He resigned his job two weeks ago because he can’t go out and campaign with his father because of SEC regulations,” she said. “He has a wife… he’s trying to start a business.” Awwww! No word on how other laid off entrepeneurs are doing starting their businesses using chewing gum and their obscenely high unemployment checks.Anita, I know it’s a fine point lost on a hard Texas head, but losing a job and resigning from a job are entirely different things.

Redundant Just Rolls off the Tongue, Eh?
Losing means you were let go – made redundant as our British cousins say. If you’re lucky, you got severance before you joined the French Fryin’ Legion at Burger King. More likely, you got bupkis. I’d guess an investment advisor at that All-American corporation, Deutsche Bank, would probably get along just fine on the meager wages and tips he’s been collecting.

Resigning means you quit, an optional action. The SEC didn’t make Griffy quit. Raging non-Christian, sharia-spoutin’ jihadists didn’t twist Griffy’s arm. Griffy chose to quit. He could’ve stayed to eat bratwurst in Deutschebank‘s executive dining room. They probably have an extensive wine list and he wouldn’t have needed to tip his money-grubbing waiter either. It’s just that Griffy and Mom must ache to swoop down and pull defeat from the jaws victory for dear old Dad.

Cowboy Rick didn’t get tossed out of the limelight because Griffy the Kid couldn’t campaign for him. Rick didn’t lose his pole position because he does a dangerously dead-on Bush the Lesser impersonation (though that’s reason enough for me to withhold my vote). He’s not even being “brutalized” by Christians who gaveth him the top spot last week and tooketh it away this week. He may have been slightly damaged by his very own Bill Ayers, Robert Jeffress, but that was avoidable and consistent with Obama’s meeting with his dangerous terrorist. Karma is a bitch, ain’t it Rick.

Now Rick, I don’t want to tell you how to run your campaign. I see what a stunning success it is, but it’s unseemly for a non-homo man like yourself to let women-folk fight your battles. Anita, I’d suggest you not try to “help” hubby anymore, because with wives like you, he doesn’t need enemies. Griff, go back to work because your daddy’s headed for the second spot on the Bachmann/Perry ticket and campaigning is a lose-lose anyway. But to all three of you, I’ll offer the best advice Republican leaders have given the country over the last decade:

Quityerwhinin’ and suck it up you goldbricks!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Mitt Romney Doesn’t Have a Friend in the Angel Moroni

2:06 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Not long ago most Americans thought Mormons were an odd band of people who all lived in Salt Lake City, worshiped seagulls, and had a rockin’ choir. They knew nothing of Joseph Smith and the Laminites, that gold dude on the temple roof, or that SF 49er Steve Young is a direct descendant of Brigham Young. In fact, even today not many people know that Mormons aren’t Mormons at all, but members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or LDS for the “in-crowd”.

Despite regular visits from the white-shirted, tie-wearing, missionaries on bicycles, most people don’t know much more about them today. They’re a cult. They’re not a cult. They wear underwear with holes. They dress in good old Fruit of the Looms.

Mormon MittThe Republican 2012 field has way too many candidates and they fall with the regularity of old-growth trees in a clear-cut forest. Each struggles for a hook to rope in GOP rubes. Michele went for the wacky vote, Ricky Goodhair had his moment before stumbling around like Dubya, while the Godfather of Pizza cranks out Meat Lover’s Supremes for the conservative masses.

He’ll no doubt be gone next week, just like the others.

Meanwhile, the Mittster smiles and tries not to say anything. On paper at least, Mitt is a perfect candidate. He has the same fidelity to his positions as John McThusela. He’s as moderate as Richard Nixon and has nice hair. In fact, if you ignore the fact he’s a complete goob, the only thing wrong is that he’s a Mormon.

People invoke the parallels with the Kennedy election and they have a point. Kennedy was a squeaker because he was Catholic. But that’s where the similarity ends.

There were far more Catholics then, than Mormons now. Conventional wisdom says the Mormon can’t win, even though no one would bat an eye if another Catholic was behind the Holy Teleprompter. The Mormon take on votes would be a far smaller percentage than Catholics in the days of Camelot. There is also what I like to call The Hate Factor®. Read the rest of this entry →

Perry’s Sex Life, Out of Bounds

1:53 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Perry Sex Sex Scandal

IS RICK PERRY HAVING SEX - 'Rick honey, move over you're hogging all the covers'.

“Governor Perry, do you now or have you ever schtupped a stripper, escort, or young hottie?”

What kind of question is that?

Read the rest of this entry →

If Ben Bernake is a Traitor, What Does That Make Rick Perry?

6:37 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

A OK, Perry

OKAY - Look at me. I got me a herd of the Rick Perry cheerleaders. Pretty fillies, ain't they?

During George the Lesser’s reign people with legitimate beefs with the regime were labeled as traitors or accused of hating America. Don’t wear a flag pin? Traitor! Mention that perhaps the War of Error might not be such a good thing. Why do you hate America?! Today, if you deviate from the Bachmann/Perry line the teabaggers scream, “It’s time to take back OUR country! We will be heard!”

Read the rest of this entry →