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The Election: Well, That was Anticlimactic

12:11 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Well, that was anticlimactic. We listened to a grueling (for voters) 4-year long campaign during which we witnessed the worst political spectacle of the epoch. If, “liar, liar, pants on fire” meant anything, there wouldn’t be a pair of Levis left on the planet. The country immersed itself in a boiling cauldron of rancor so deep there is no word in English to adequately describe it. And yet, after all that, we have essentially the same balance of power as before.Well played America, well-played.

It’s time for a few observations and maybe a little advice. For the “mandate” crowd, winning an election by the skin of your teeth does not a mandate make. For the “it’s imponderable we lost” crowd, no it isn’t. You acted like a bunch of jackwads. For the “gridlock will finally break” crowd, what makes you think reelecting largely the same people who are already bought and paid for is going to break gridlock?

But since the nation is populated with a large ignorati caucus, let’s break it down real simple like:

The Shallowest Anchorman in the History of Anchormen

  • Ohio voting lines were as long as depression era soup lines because Ohio can’t run an election to save their incompetent lives. It was not the, “African-Americans Ken Blackwell.
  • Brit Hume, America is not more liberal than many thought. Independents didn’t swing for Obama because they were liberal, they swung for Obama because Mitt Romney is a crapweasel.
  • Bill O’Reilly stated the obvious and then spun off to his unhappy place. Minorities and women did vote for Obama because, “they want stuff”. Many white men voted for Romney because, “they want stuff” too – namely the “stuff” minorities and women seek.
  • Brian Kilmeade, if America is the, “shallowest country in the history of man” because they considered Sandy a valid election issue, it is because you are leading much of the country away from common sense for a dip into the same “shallow” end of the gene pool in which you dog paddle.
  • Karl Rove, calling the Wars of Error huge successes is a lot like not believing actual math showing Obama won Ohio. Are you running for President on the Ignorati of Upsidedownistan ticket in 2016?
  • Ari Fleischer, a word to the unwise. Elections have consequences and if the Republican party never embraces LGBT and women’s rights you will suffer them.
  • Kudos to Tammy Baldwin for becoming the first openly gay senator. It is a big accomplishment for the LGBT community. But it’s also a big accomplishment for the straight voters who supported her and for a senate in dire need of diversity. That it pissed off the fundies is just icing on the cake.
  • Dear Central Virginia Assembly of God, putting religious voter guides inside the polls is against the law and upstanding citizens who feel obliged to lecture everyone else on morals should know that. May God visit his wrath upon you for worshipping asshatery above all else.
  • Ha ha, very funny Charleroi, PA Republicans. Putting up “NO PARKING FOR DEMOCRATS” and “WALK THAT WILL BE THE MOST WORK YOU DO ALL DAY” [sic] signs is a hoot. May you get a voter intimidation ticket.
  • Tea bagging True the Vote people, you haven’t taken back “your” country yet. Laws are still laws. Tampering with ballots is still tampering with ballots. Even if you hate the Big Government that passed them. Don’t complain if your cheating asses get thrown out of the polls.
  • Why the hell is Wall St. complaining about an Obama win? They made record profits since he’s been in office. Huge bonuses for being stupid all ’round!
  • So Diane Sawyer is a wine connoisseur. So what? She was just playing the drinking game where you take a hit every time a pompous asshole appeared on camera.

Donald Trump Impersonates Daniel Ortega

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.

 

Pootiehead Romney Likes the Poop Head Bit

2:16 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Using the word “human” and Mitt Romney in the same sentence is such a weird concept that his campaign’s mission is to “humanize” him. When the man is a 1 percenter who brags of joy in firing people, describes corporations as people, and needs an elevator for his cars, it’s a tough order. Not everyone comes to comedy naturally – like Sarah Palin.

Mention the word “funny” in the same sentence as Mitt Romney and you get something wholly different. The man is funny, but not in that sharp-witted Jon Stewart way. No, he’s more of a crazy George Bush smirking, millionaire bumbler, accidentally scary sort of way.

However, Mitten’s sons may have found the trick to humanize him. They’ve revealed his humor is normal and all American. Two funny-assed birds with one hilarious…a human funny guy. This could change the election.

The crew of last election’s Five Brother Bus tour sat down with Conan O’Brien, a funny fellow himself, and revealed Mitt really loves poop jokes – specifically the one featuring a Will Ferrell-Cheri Oteri cheerleader skit on Saturday Night Live.

“Taco! Burrito! ” and then Mitt says, “What’s coming out of your Speedo?”

Even if you’re the stuffy, high nosed Miss Manners type, you have to agree that shite jokes are quintessentially American. No one in the world guffaws at a good old fashioned dog rocket joke than we folks in the land of the free and the home of the infantile. That 9-year old boy at the center of the American psyche just can’t suppress the twittering mirth after someone cracks wise about cutting the cheese.

“Hee, hee. Mitt said poop.”

Until now, mention Romney and “poop” in same sentence and it is probably  someone comparing him to an actual turd,  in much the same way George the Lesser referred to Karl Rove as, “Turd Blossom“.

“AH, HA, HA, HA, HA…oh. good times!”

You have to love the crapulent Mitt for his love of crap. He always said he was a mischievous little dickens. Remember that , “hold the kid down and shave him bald” incident? Mitt himself said it was just hijinks, nothing more. Hijinks just like writing “HE” “LP” on the shoes of a friend gettinig married so “HELP” appeared when he knelt at the altar.

That’s funnier than shit. Bwah, haw, haw!

Now that the boys have bailed Dad out of the Stepford Dad box he was in, he’s all prepped to, “Win One with No. 1 and No. 2″. Just another happy go lucky man of the people, able to laugh at immigration reform and give a sheepish grin when he explains his wife wrote off $77,000 on her “dress-age” horse.

The change will all but clinch the teabag fringed hat wearing, misspelled sign carrying Tea Bagglers and sew up the “Back to Bush” crowd that so ardentally follows him. Every one loves a good giggle. Except…

…those damn no-humor Democrat bums. Come on! These are people who don’t find job loss, firing teachers, or tapping phones one damn bit funny. WTF democrats? Jump on the Five Bothers Express and  laugh a little.

If you don’t, you’ll be forced to cry.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture.

Pick a Peck of Pol PACS

4:22 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s not new to obfuscate political motives by coming up with ludicrous names for things. Bush the Lesser was a master of the craft. Seldom have these ideological splinters in the ass of the nation been clear enough to figure out just what in the hell they means.

Sometimes it’s something hideous, like a war – the “War on Terror” should more correctly have been called “The War of Error”. Our troops and citizens in Iraq were the only ones terrorized in that stupid war.

Legislation doesn’t escape either.  I’d wager not many people recognize “Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorists” as the PATROT Act. And political action committees, especially now that they’re allowed to contribute gobs of money with little or no transparency, do their best to play the old bait and switch name game. Thanks Supremes.

A recent list of ludicrous PAC names shows just how goofy the naming can be. For example, three different names not only don’t reveal what they represent but seem to misunderstand that whole space/time continuum thing. Get a load of these:

Neither the “We Believe in USA” PAC nor the “We Love USA” PAC give a clue as to what they “believe” nor what they propose other than “love” and “belief” – neither of which require money to demonstrate. Furthermore, who in America, aside from the random “Islamoterrorist” (that’s a mouthful too) doesn’t love and believe in their country in some way.

Americans Wanting Truth in Politics” doesn’t mention whose “truth” they want while the “Citizen’s Alliance for Better Candidates” doesn’t say what should be better or how they managed to let both Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum slip through their presumably expensive “better” filters.

Americans for More Rhombus”, “Just Drink the Koolaid” [sic, you morans], “Citizens Benighted” (though calling yourself ignorant seems like a questionable money raising tactic), and “The Dump Him Project” are shockingly loony. “Citizens Against the Peripheral Canal and Other Wasteful Projects” suggests there must be a Peripheral Canal to Nowhere someplace. Sarah Palin, being an expert of “nowhere projects”, can clear this one up for us peraps. You betcha.

It seems there are lots of Shamus Romney supporters too. Mittens comes out on the short end of the rawhide bone with:

No word yet on whether there is a “Dachshunds Against Undocumented Muslims Eating Dog Meat” PAC, though you’d think it would be a big winner amongst the wieners.

It just makes you to take the advice of the “Rethink PAC” name, which seems the sanest idea I’ve heard today.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Will You Join the Kardashian Party?

3:45 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

As self-made Hollywood celebrities go, Kim Kardashian could be much worse. In between endless photo shoots, making sex tapes, marrying and/or dating every man in the Northern Hemisphere, and selling clothes with too much gold braid and rhinestones, she sometimes has a somewhat self-deprecating view of her fame. On one of the Kardashian clan’s reality shows (E! Entertainment – All Kardashian, All the Time), she was asked what she was famous for. “I’m the girl with the big ass,” she said.

Refreshing honesty. You gotta love her for that.

Kim’s 24-hour, non-stop automated Twitter feed recently sung with the news that she has penned a decidedly non-Maoist 5-year plan for her life.

For example, she wants to do everything she can for the Armenian community. I’m not sure how many Armenians – minus the dozens of Kardashians in Calabasas – actually need help. But, standards of wealth are different in L-Lay and besides, it’s the thought that counts.

However, her biggest buzz was the news that she’s contemplating a run for Mayor of Glendale, CA – a move from Big Ass to Big Wheel as it were. Now this isn’t as odd as it may seem, certainly no odder than Rick Santorum or Mittens Romney. Heck, she could do no worse than the Princess of Wasilla and Half-Term Governess of Rogueistan.

First, she’s smart. She’s built an entire multi-million dollar empire on nothing more than an ability to sniff out a camera faster than a drug dog can find a suitcase full of cocaine and her aforementioned “big ass”. She’s the picture perfect poster girl for entrepreneurship and she’s doing nothing more than any other wealthy person does these days. I hear Khloe is training as a lobbyist as we speak and Kim has enough relatives to fill the entire Glendale city council, with spares to cover City Manager, Police Chief, and City Fashion-Forward Coordinator.  I’m sure her Q-Rating is over the top too. Clearly, this is a winning ticket.

Despite all the guffaws at her plan, she’s clearly more qualified than politicians who make major issues out of dogs riding on car roofs or accusations that the President of the United States is a dog-eating, closet Muslim, who hates America and is an illegitimate pretender to the Office.  It’s great that young people like her are willing to go into public service and she deserves rhinestone encrusted praise for it. If Michael Bloomberg can be the CEO Mayor of New York and cross-dressing Rudy Giuliani can be “America’s Mayor” then Kim Kardashian can lead Glendale into the future…with a lot more pizazz.

Kardashian 2013! I say, “You go GURL!”

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

The Occupational Hazard of Blowing Smoke for a Living

4:52 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Certainly there are few election seasons in which candidates from either party don’t say or do something stupid or ill-advised. It’s an occupational hazard when you blow smoke for a living – doubly so if you relate to other humans about as effectively as a visitor on a boondoggle,”fact-finding” junket from Jupiter.

Though they certainly aren’t alone, Mittens Romney, his wife, and campaign staff seem to be particularly bad about this. Hardly a day or stump speech goes by in which they don’t find themselves walking back policy statements that are directly at odds with those given a year, month, week, day or a few hours ago. His blatant half-truths are a constant problem and sometimes he’s just plain comical in his attempts to relate to the “common man”, such as when he told NFL fans how he shared their passion for the sport…by watching the game from the team owner’s skybox or how NASCARy he is because he personally knows many car owners. To the delight of the NRA, he shoots “varmints” too.

Of course in a business where nothing is EVER the candidate’s fault there are worse coping mechanisms. The evil media, or Sarah Palin’s “lamestream media” if you prefer, are often the whipping boys of choice. They are perpetual “gotcha gatos” who ALWAYS misquote the candidate – despite unedited video to the contrary or except when the politicos like the quote.

Sharron Angle set the gold standard for this type of blame shifting when she criticized the media for asking questions she didn’t want to answer, apparently mistaking them for some rogue, pro-bono campaign operation.  Walking Hefty Bag of Ego, Newt Gingrich, even went so far as to have a student journalist bum-rushed by security for breaking the, “I won’t tell even if you ask” policy. More often than not, Mittens just responds to a completely different question.

“Mr. Romney, what is your position on health care?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked that. By the way, I was sick once. My staff physician took CAT scans of my nose and assured me it was only a cold. In any case, I just told my gold bullion broker that I think taxes on imported tin from Uganda are completely destroying the American way of life.”

The constant attempts to lower their performance to the lower than lowest common denominator is an embarrassing sight, even if growing numbers of people can’t see it or are turned off by the whole process because they can.

It’s so bad even the penguins are pissed.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

Fail Gunner Allen West

3:40 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah


“Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” harkens back to the bad old days when careers and lives were ruined by Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy, an alcoholic, demagogic Senator from Wisconsin. His bullying excesses become known as McCarthyism and he and his supporters caused far worse damage to the nation than the most evil of Communists ever did.

Apparently, Rep. Allen West (R-FL) has begun channeling Fail Gunner Joe as a sop to Tea Partying extremists and to avoid talking about real issues. He claims there are 80 Communists in the House or rather he “heard” – without producing any names – the dastardly 80 were hiding as Commies in Democratic clothing. As with Joe, he prefers the insinuation method of proving his point rather than facts.

Allie, there are no Communists in the House. The ideologically closest politician on The Hill is self-identified democratic socialist (Independent on the ballot) Bernie Sanders and he’s a Senator from Vermont, not a Representative in the House.

BTW, there is also a difference between Socialism and Communism. It would behoove Republicans, who have great difficulty understanding the difference between Fascism and Socialism, to learn the difference before spouting more ideological hog-wallop. While you’re at it, look up liberal too. The term is not synonymous with Socialism, Communism, or Despotism.

Second, Sanders is a legally-elected, presumably effective Senator from a legal political party elected by the citizens of Vermont. If he weren’t, he would be ex-Senator Sanders. As much as West might like to try, Vermont’s Congressional representation is in their hands, not some half-baked interloper from Florida. If he is worried about Vermont Commies, he can move there and try to unseat Sanders. It will be no easy feat if he tries.
Read the rest of this entry →

Victoria Jackson Wears the Tutu of Fear

2:31 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Some Lovely Tutus (photo: ilovememphis/flickr)

Some Lovely Tutus (photo: ilovememphis/flickr)

 

There is no shortage of Americans full of crackpot ideas and imagined conspiracies. They’re usually part of an unknown cast preaching to like-minded goobs. But occasionally someone with a not-so-unknown name takes to the bloody pulpit.

Truth be told the left and right both have plenty of celebrities in their ideological quivers. But the right’s stable may be smaller and makes up in bat-shit craziness what it loses in quantity.

Ted Nugent is the prototypical conservative in camo. The Nooge never misses a chance to link omnipresent commies to nefarious plots bent on confiscating cross bows or some other equally deranged story. A lifetime of hearing Cat Scratch Fever set to 11 has damaged the man. But Nooge, step aside. There’s a new crackpot in town.

Victoria Jackson made a comedy career of dressing like a 10-year old girl and speaking in a voice that sounded like Carol Channing on helium. The combination was good enough to win her an SNL role and star in a few forgettable movies that required a vacuous girl wearing a tutu and playing the ukulele.

After a long stint playing a Florida homemaker – why is it always Florida – she’s back with a show of her own and a political ideology that makes a Michele Bachmann/Sarah Palin Siamese Twin sound positively grounded.

Vic’s latest rant – branded Victoria Jackson’s Still A Crazy Asshole – suggests she has fallen under the sway of the, President Obama is behind all of this and we will all have to “convert or be killed!” crowd. In her mind, Anti-Christ Hussein Obama will force everyone to join the Muslim Brotherhood and accept sharia as the law of the land. This isn’t an unknown position amongst the ignorati, even though it is illogical using their own logic: How can Obama be too stupid to tie his own shoes yet carry out what would have to be a cover up roughly the size and complexity of the Manhattan project?

Some might argue that her return to TV, helming a show on PolitiChics, is just an extension of her career acting like a bubble head. Others would argue she isn’t “acting”. If she weren’t so damn scary, in the same way Rick Santorum is scary, you could probably take the show and her actions as an inspired comedy patterned after Andy Kaufmann. Read the rest of this entry →

Politicians vs. The Media

12:40 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

(image: donkey hotey/flickr)

(image: donkey hotey/flickr)

 

One by one, the Republican presidential field has come to ruination and they’ve blamed the media, or mainstream media (MSM), or Lamestream media in Palinspeak – at every turn.  They are apparently of the mistaken opinion, as was US Senate candidate Sharron Angle, that journalists should only ask questions candidates want to answer. As news consumers and master media manipulators themselves that belief alone should be a disqualification for lack of critical thinking skills.

When faced with proof of their objectionable behavior, they vigorously deny it. Even a world-class nimrod can see that is a surefire strategic loser. In taking that position politicians deny the existence of videotape, reporters’ notebooks, and public records. Oh, and any lick of common sense too. Without these contradictions in their truthy narratives, The Daily Show and Fox News would starve for a lack of comedy gold. And, Newt Gingrich would still be unstoppable and not a fast-sinking nitwit outfitted with concrete overshoes.

When repeated denials collapse under their own weight the fraidy-cat graftmeisters often blame the media for gotcha journalism. The Half-Term Schoolmarm was a master practitioner of this craft – even if it is the least successful strategy of all. When Katie Couric asked her which newspapers or magazines she regularly read she stammered, “All of them”. Unsurprisingly, Couric and the general public didn’t buy that. If you’re running for President of the Free World and you’re tripped up by a question you could have answered with Time, the Wasilla News Weasel, or Reader’s Digest your mind is as nimble as a saguaro cactus with one of its quills on the “noo-cu-ler” football.

She whined and stamped her sensible pumps and said something on the order of, “That was gotcha journalism, you betcha. They wouldn’t have asked Barack Hussein Obama that.”

In fact, they probably wouldn’t have, although he got plenty of equally dangerous questions too.  However in this case, she was rumored to be aggressively incurious, much like George the Lesser. Since escaping his Reign of Error was nigh, it’s a legitimate question to ask about that uncuriosity. After all, you could accuse The Messiah of many things, but being incurious or poorly spoken wasn’t one of them. Read the rest of this entry →

Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich

2:16 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Poll watchers are writing the obituary for Newt “I Got My Ass Kicked Over That Name A Lot When I Was a Kid” Gingrich. Pundits are screaming at each other with full-throated vigor and the public stands agog that none of the punditocrisy saw this coming.

“Newt’s a smart guy and will pull it all together!” Newt has too much baggage and doesn’t have a hope in hell” go the chants.

My opinion is that Newt has an ego that would give Donald Trump a hard on. And, he likes to play the “(revised) history professor” to a party well-known as the ignorati since medieval serfs used sticks for shovels… and housing… and, when necessary, food. Besides, everyone had a 7th grade history teacher that hated them. That memory is really hard to overcome.

Newt, the Small Salamander
In the end, Newt will fall into his own mouth and swallow himself into a heftily paid lobbyist and “professor” in some of the nation’s most academically-challenged institutions of higher learning. Besides, he’s named for a small amphibian and that’s a heavy cross to bear.

Noting unusual here. Politicians flame out all the time.  What seems to differ this time is that the Republican field is like the Kentucky Derby with 6 more horses than starting gates.

So far, the ultra-insane wing – Michele Bachmann and Governor Goodhair – have fallen prey to that old political disease, Village Idiot Syndrome. Herman Cain – who passes for a moderate in today’s Republican Party – went down with “I Can’t Keep it in My Pants” Disease.

Rick Santorum is a late bloomer angling for the “Uber-Ultra Insanitite With a Cherry on Top” vote. He’ll fare about as well as anyone who, when Googled, displays a picture of runny shit.

Jon Huntsman will die a quiet political death while trying to explain how his billionaire father has nothing to do with his campaign while accepting more money than God from him. Breeding truly tells.

Ron Paul will pull the hardcore daffies like he’s the second coming of Dennis Kucinich, but daffiness doesn’t sell nearly as well as bat-shit, full-moon lunacy.

That religious cultist Mitt Romney – who’s sole redeeming feature is that he isn’t one of the others – will still lose. It seems what you don’t say is almost as bad a saying something stupid. Wearing special underwear and having been named for a piece of baseball equipment will not overcome his challenges either.

I Love the Smell of Moose Urine in the Morning
Who’s left? No, not Donald Trump. He won’t find campaigning nearly as cool as delusional idol worship, gold-plated everything, and swag lamps. The White Trump House is simply not klassy enough for him.

But, is that moose urine or wolf carcass offal on the tundra I smell? Why of course, Yosemite Samantha Sarah is baaaack!

She’s nowhere as loony as Santorum or Bachmann, but they’ve been genetically bred for maximum hilarity – religious, anti-chimp/anti-evolution claims notwithstanding.  Perry gives her a run for her money, but in the end he still sounds like George the Lesser raised from the dead. And the one thing everyone agrees is that George the Lesser should be exiled to Sardinia… forever.

For some inexplicable reason, people will listen to her. Maybe it’s her folksy delivery or sexy schoolmarm schtick. Maybe it’s her “just plain folks” sensibilities. “She just seems so darn nice,” Republican women will gush. People see her as having the same troubles as them. After all, her reality show was cancelled and it’s replacement withered on the vine. Everyone can relate to that, can’t they?

Of course, Obama will win the election – not because people like him – but because they see how bad things are now and are absolutely terrified it’ll get even worse with someone else in the catbird seat.

Surprisingly, Republicans aren’t driving nails into their own coffin with this baffling array of candidates with donut holes for brains. No, they’ll just look like buffoons until such time as the Democrats out-buffoon them and then put up some yokel with lots of money and no morals for the win.

Sigh…

2:19 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s been a rough decade or so for America. One disaster after another. I find it hard to get cranky over anything or anyone anymore and I’m ashamed to say my blog production has dropped off as a result.

People used to say I reminded them of, “a curmudgeon sitting on the porch, throwing firecrackers at the birds.” Now, I post a number of mildly entertaining pop culture videos or some personal story as often as politics. Even my more cantankerous posts lack the panache of old. Really, I don’t know how Christopher Hitchens managed to get his cranky on, even in the face of death.

But, I still dream of the days when I mustered the strength to pop someone’s head like a zit, to just let the vitriol fly and let the pus-covered words land where they may. That day has come. Let the popping begin:

No. 6: Pat Robertson – Failed Faith Healer and TV Evangiswindler

Pat’s never boring. You can count on him to say things so incredibly stupid he has no credibility as a comic after he says them. Pat, here’s to hoping the Lord God Almighty calls you on the Supertheist Hotline and strikes you popped, like a big juicy one.

BTW, take Michele Bachmann with you as a sort of DIY rapture.

No. 5: Sarah Palin – Failed Reality Show Character and Half-Term Governor

Sarah’s sexy schoolmarm look has worn dangerously thin. No one buys rimless glasses anymore. She’s all but stopped the comic gold Tweets and now can’t even seduce Joe the Plumber into the Tea Party – much less be a Kingmaker for the largest group of knotheads ever to run for public office. Republicans? Michele Bachmann. Really? C’mon.

Sadly, she’s a victim of America’s economic turmoil. After her last reality show tanked, she couldn’t get anyone to pick up her newest TV creation – “reality” life with the First Dood. Who knew salmon fishing could be so…um, uninteresting? Who would’ve imagined that she and multi-baby momma, Kate Gosselin, would both find themself unemployed and downwardly mobile members of the 99.99 percenters?

Hand me that Alaskan hunting knife…POP! Woooo, look at that gunk fly.

No. 4: The Occupy Movement

Michael Moore described the movement as “organic” without seeing the irony that mushrooms grown in shit are organic as well. They have lofty goals, most of which I applaud heartily. However, if you can get 54% of America to agree with you and then shortly thereafter have polls drop like anchors, you aren’t onto a good political strategy. (See Baggers, Failure, Tea)

Word. Stop keeping your enemies close and pissing off your friends (for example, the Longshoremen’s Union). Face it, if there’s one thing 99% of America hates it’s people who camp out on the grass in defiance of the Keep Off the Grass signs. Those pro-watching grass grow people mean business (Use of Deadly Pepper Spray Authorized).

BTW, fewer TV interviews with formerly middle class post-grads who trained for archeology, but now can’t find a job “in their field of study”. More interviews with people who not only can’t afford Christmas gifts, but food, clothing, shelter, and water too.

Herewith is a group pop, because the movement is so “organic” no single mushroom has emerged from the shit to take one for the team.

No. 3: Newt Gingrich – Deity

When Joe Scarborough says you’re just plain mean and you’re too crazy for Glenn Beck, some self-examination is in order – even if you’re congenitally unable to do it.

Newt has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Catacombs three times over. He will not get a pass on those, regardless of how above them he feels entitled to be. He’s now on Wife No. 36, more or less. He’s cheated on the lot of them and is probably grooming Wife No. 37 as we speak. No one believes that he’s really gone over to the God side except the American Family Association, Jim Bakker, and Billy Graham…and he’s almost dead and confused to boot.

Oh, and Joe Scarborough says you are a mean man.

May God have no mercy popping your zit.

No 2. Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh – Media Mavens Who Hate the Media

This one is really too easy, because they are really the same person. Same buffoonery, same blowhardism, and like Newt, same mean people.

If you have a TV or radio show, website, or both, you can’t talk about the media like it’s some underground nefarious plot by treasonous commies, socialists, or nazis who hate the Hate America First or War on Christmas crowds. Simply put, YOU ARE THE MEDIA YOU MORANS!

Each of you have skin thinner than a condom and egos the size of Donald Trump’s – although most of you have better hair (notwithstanding Rush’s bald pate). This is not an especially endearing combination except with survivalists still looking for Barack Hussein Obama’s “real” birth certificate under a chunk of Kenyan rock, and abortion clinic bombers.

Here’s a huge zit-pop for you.

CAUTION: Readers, please step away from the zit so you don’t get wet. This is a juicy one.

No. 1: Barack Obama – Change and Hope Peddler and World’s Worse Negotiator

He means well. He really does. He believes the whole change and hope thing, but wants to get to it by selling his skin to corporatists and any kowtowing to any interest group more powerful than the National Association of Wiener Dogs. He’s also under the misguided impression that bipartisanship actually works. When your opponents say “no” – or worse yet – “hell no” before you even float the infamous trial balloon, bipartisanship is a loser. How many times will he bang his head against this particular rock?

But, the O-Man’s biggest failure is as a negotiator. He bargains like a Rube trying to buy a Ford Pinto with only 3 wheels at Mad Man Dapper Dan’s Pre-Owned, Used Car Lot (“I’d give ‘em away, but my wife won’t let me.”). You don’t tell Dan exactly how much you have in your pocket and then begin haggling against yourself. Clearly, the Pinto will be just a hopeful and change-deprived dream.

True, he’s gotten few things done after a fashion, but his greatest claim to fame may be that he’s infinitely preferable than John McThusela and the Gun Totin’ Moose Mommy. Not a bad accomplishment in its own right.

Sorry Mr. President, but I’ll make this as painless as possible. I hope you can handle the change.

(Quick Stab) little ooze.

Damn! Vitriol feels so damn good. I FEEL ALIVE! ALIVE I SAY!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!