Why Do Conservatives Hate America, Er, Sex

7:26 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Explain why you don’t wear a flag pin on your pajamas, or that the 10 Commandments and the Bill of Rights are entirely separate documents, or why you believe Barack Obama is an American citizen to a rabid conservative and they’re likely to ask, “Why do you hate America?”

My question for them is, “Why do you hate sex?”

After all, conservative Catholics believe the celibate ringleader of the world’s largest pedophile ring when he says sex is for procreation – no fun allowed.

And that whole homo sex thing reads like swing set assembly instructions written by Siberian prison labor outsourced by Bain Capital. “Tab-ski A only fits in Slot-ski B, but never insert Tab C-ski in Slot D-ski” – so confusing.

Just exactly how does gay marriage degrade your own marriage? How does a soldier who doesn’t mention being gay and that you don’t ask about being gay become gay by being asked or telling? Perhaps you wouldn’t be so confused if you didn’t interrupt Larry Craig for an explanation while he is practicing his wide stance at Minneapolis International. I’m given to understand wide stance consummation can be very distracting.

You also like your experts in morality. Just ask David Vitter, a man who visits more prostitutes than Charlie Sheen. When you need advice on strong marriages serial adulterer Newt Gingrich will explain it all…politics made him do it.

When you’re helping that unplanned son or daughter with their biology homework ask just about any other conservative male how lady plumbing works. They really know their stuff. Michele Bachmann can help the kids get extra credit by explaining how HPV vaccine causes cancer.

Why do you feel a swell of, um, “pride” when the little woman whispers, “Oh God, oh God, oh God” while faking an orgasm? Isn’t that using the Lord’s name in vain?

Everyone knows you think sex toys are the work of the devil. So bad, you want to try owners in a court forbidding Sharia law, which ironically really cracks down on the dildo-wielding set. Still, I understand why you’re embarrassed. The 5-year old walking out during the pastor’s visit yelling, “Look Mommy, I found a rocket ship!” can be mortifying – especially when the reverend suggests that dunking you like a witch in the baptismal pool will drive the devil out.

You believe promise rings are an effective form of birth control, that kids will never discover sex unless the Obamunists expose them to sex education in school, and that pregnancy begins with a gleam in Daddy’s debauched eye…but that’s OK, because men are entitled by God to be debauched.

Finally, why are you so obsessed with everyone else’s sex life?

I hear getting laid will help with that.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor

Tags: 10 Commandments, Barack Obama, conservative Catholics, DADT, David Vitter, effective birth control, flag pin, gay marriage, hate America, hate sex, HPV vaccine, Human sexual activity, Larry Craig, Michele Bachmann, Morality, Newt Gingrich, Obamunists, pedophile ring, promise rings, serial adulterer, Sex education, sharia, wide stance
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No One WANTS an Abortion

I’m not a woman nor do I pretend to know what it feels like to be one. However, I’m fairly certain that when a woman finds out she is pregnant she doesn’t say, “Gee, I think I’ll have an abortion. I’ll invite my girlfriends. Maybe grab a salad and spend a little time at the spa before we go for drinks. It’ll be fun.”

Photo: Timothy Krause / Flickr.

Despite what some would have you believe, no one wants an abortion. It isn’t a cavalier decision or a comfortable experience. Myriad are the ways women come to that awful decision. It may not be compatible with what you would do or lack careful consideration of all the options, but it isn’t yours and it isn’t easy.

Homelessness is a Terrible Thing to Endure

Perhaps Mom simply can’t afford it. Not in the sense she’ll have to forgo girls-night-out, but in the sense there won’t be enough food to feed or house the child. No matter how much a mother loves a baby, homelessness is a terrible thing for a child to endure.

Some may tragically find their baby severely handicapped or otherwise non-viable. Those mothers may be honest enough to admit they don’t have the wherewithal to cope. The toll could be severely emotional for mother and child or it could be practical. She may lack health insurance for stupefyingly huge medical bills or be insured by an outfit that pays only a token portion of the bill.

Still others may be victims of rape or incest, carrying a baby for which they may not have the most motherly of feelings or be in a situation where they and the baby are at risk of harm from their attackers. A situation where the woman is beaten so badly as to lose the baby ends up the same – an abortion with no good done for the mother, the baby, or society.

Those who oppose abortion often do it for religious reasons or harbor fantasies about other coping mechanisms. They often oppose sex education under the impression that teaching someone to put on a condom automatically enrages their hormones enough to go out and use it. That is a case of “Just Say Yes”.

Some suggest adoption and that may sometimes be viable. However, for some babies adoptions just transfer the child from frying pan to fire. Handicapped and minority babes have notoriously low adoption rates and they may spend much of their childhoods in foster homes that prepare them for nothing more than deprivation and a life of crime, on the dole, or worse. But for some, adoption isn’t an option. Mothers whose lives are at risk may never make it through a pregnancy to put the baby up for adoption.

There’s a Reason They Call It Planned Parenthood

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