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Mitt Romney: Likable as a Haggis Buffet

9:01 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The list of things wrong with the Romney campaign is ignominious and pushing Mitt toward the precipice. He has had innumerable foot-in-mouth episodes, told many hand caught in the cookie jar lies, managed self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and made the worst Veep choice since McCain sent himself well and truly off the rails with the Moose Momma. The reasons for this ineptitude are manifold, from sheer stupidity to being as likable as a haggis buffet, but perhaps that last one might explain it best.

In general, Americans don’t like lawyers. They aren’t too hot on reporters either. And when it comes to politicians Congress can’t get any lower than their 12% approval rating. And right up there in the Pantheon of the Hated are CEOs. Your average citizen thinks they are arrogant, greedy, out of touch, and completely devoid of morals. When a factory worker screws up they find their ass on the street. When a CEO screws up they get a hefty bonus and stock options equal to the combined incomes of Nebraska’s entire middle class. Then, they close the factory, send the work to Chinese reeducation camps, and collect another bonus for how well they handled their own failure. To everyone other than CEOs, and the people who inexplicably love them, it’s easy to see why they don’t give people the warm and fuzzies.

Saving America by Gutting and Selling it to the Highest Bidder

Mitt wants to be a CEO President in the worst way. He wants to be the brilliant turnaround artist who saves America by gutting and selling it to the highest bidder. We had another CEO President not long ago and that didn’t work out so well. He bragged about his business acumen too. It consisted mostly of running an oil company into the ground, helming the Texas Rangers, and lots of frat parties. You know, pretty much the standard CEO resume.

People don’t much trust Mitt. Even his brethren in the Grand Old Pogromites (GOP) don’t like him and they are of the same Brook’s Bros. cloth. He has the uncanny ability to make someone like Mother Teressa hate him by telling a few jokes at at $50,000 a plate rubber chicken dinner. However, that might not be completely his fault. I question the character-smelling ability of a person willing to shell out $50,000 for a vulcanized chicken breast.

Mitt has all the worst habits of the CEO-class. If there is one place he excels, it’s acting nothing like a human in thought, word, or deed. That is baggage my friends – the sort of baggage that makes it hard to hornswoggle people into believing that giving them less is somehow more. Like most CEOs, he never met a piece of good advice he could take. His massive, well-coiffed ego won’t allow it. Give him a rope, he’ll gladly set his eyes bugging out, then ask for your vote because he’s the CEO dammit.

His former friends are running away from him while shouting advice over their shoulder to let someone else run the campaign. You’re not the worker bee, just find someone who can competently tell lies and get out of their way. Wasn’t that why you chose Paul Ryan?

There’s something else common to all CEO Presidents – not understanding government is not a business. Government’s purpose is not to turn a profit for anyone – even the people who hide more in offshore accounts that the 53% pay in taxes. Businesses are dictatorships, which every CEO will remind anyone ill-advised enough to cross them. In business, you can’t hand-select Congress, the courts, or voters like a stacked Board of Directors…yet. Government is messy and the electorate often lacks the same goal of business – money. Regardless of how it is made.

Voters Really Appreciate Fire Trucks Traveling Fast Down a Taxpayer-Funded Road

The one way governments and businesses are alike – budgets – even differ. CEOs routinely miss theirs by considerable amounts. Governments routinely go way over theirs…because they are bigger. CEOs can get things under control easier. They can eviscerate half the company and cutting off unprofitable products because they only have to suck marginally less than their competitors. Government doesn’t have that advantage. When your house is on fire, the average voter really appreciates a fire truck traveling fast down a taxpayer-funded road. No amount of telling those lazy-ass victims that living in blackened rubble is better than getting off their dead asses and getting a job in a country where all the jobs are in Bangalore is better than water and ladders.

Mitt is the penultimate personification of a CEO and reaps all the ill that brings. He came out of the campaign gate toting more baggage than Kim Kardashian on the way to tennis lessons. He targeted his campaign at 1% of the population and it’s hard to carry that much baggage without a sub-minimum wage bellhop that will inevitably embarrass you.

There are only a few weeks left to pull the limo out of the fire and close the deal. There will be more mistakes, as there are in any endeavor, but he can overcome them. Rather than employing the normal CEO reaction to failure – deny, deny, deny, blame it on someone else – he could simply employ some (I know this is going rouge) common sense.

Stop envisioning yourself as the potential Potentate of Romnistan, put on the throne by the Council of 500 Fortunes. The country doesn’t need any more CEOs, they are the skeevy bastards that got us into this mess and we’re awash in them. Using that as the only plank in your platform is a non-starter, so (I know this a mavericky thing) stop it. Stop telling people with three jobs they are whining little goldbrickers. Start saying, “You know, that must be hard. I don’t really know about it first hand, but I trust your word for it and I’ll do something specific about it.” Stop telling people you will create 18 billion jobs during the first dance at the Inaugural Ball because no one, not even Ann Coulter, believes it.

Admit you know shit all about foreign policy. The fact you can see New Hampshire from Massachusetts is not foreign policy, no matter what Sarah Palin says. Empty the tea pot and throw those bat-shit crazy, spelling challenged nitwits out of the big tent. They scare the hell out of people and will stab you in the back as soon as you won’t support a ban on condoms bought only with prior approval from the Texas legislature.

We’re told – though most people doubt it – that you have a tiny smidgen of human left in you. Step out into the sunshine of Temple Square and let your love light shine. Treat people like (I know this is all roguey and mavericky) people instead of fully depreciated assets. Trust me on this, people really hate it when CEOs do that. Mitt, there is hope for you. You could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat and not shove defeat back into the jaws if you’d stop acting less like the CEO of BushCo and start acting more like the CEO of People.

Better yet, stop being a CEO at all. We neither want nor need any of those.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks! More than politics, more than pop culture & humor.

2:19 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s been a rough decade or so for America. One disaster after another. I find it hard to get cranky over anything or anyone anymore and I’m ashamed to say my blog production has dropped off as a result.

People used to say I reminded them of, “a curmudgeon sitting on the porch, throwing firecrackers at the birds.” Now, I post a number of mildly entertaining pop culture videos or some personal story as often as politics. Even my more cantankerous posts lack the panache of old. Really, I don’t know how Christopher Hitchens managed to get his cranky on, even in the face of death.

But, I still dream of the days when I mustered the strength to pop someone’s head like a zit, to just let the vitriol fly and let the pus-covered words land where they may. That day has come. Let the popping begin:

No. 6: Pat Robertson – Failed Faith Healer and TV Evangiswindler

Pat’s never boring. You can count on him to say things so incredibly stupid he has no credibility as a comic after he says them. Pat, here’s to hoping the Lord God Almighty calls you on the Supertheist Hotline and strikes you popped, like a big juicy one.

BTW, take Michele Bachmann with you as a sort of DIY rapture.

No. 5: Sarah Palin – Failed Reality Show Character and Half-Term Governor

Sarah’s sexy schoolmarm look has worn dangerously thin. No one buys rimless glasses anymore. She’s all but stopped the comic gold Tweets and now can’t even seduce Joe the Plumber into the Tea Party – much less be a Kingmaker for the largest group of knotheads ever to run for public office. Republicans? Michele Bachmann. Really? C’mon.

Sadly, she’s a victim of America’s economic turmoil. After her last reality show tanked, she couldn’t get anyone to pick up her newest TV creation – “reality” life with the First Dood. Who knew salmon fishing could be so…um, uninteresting? Who would’ve imagined that she and multi-baby momma, Kate Gosselin, would both find themself unemployed and downwardly mobile members of the 99.99 percenters?

Hand me that Alaskan hunting knife…POP! Woooo, look at that gunk fly.

No. 4: The Occupy Movement

Michael Moore described the movement as “organic” without seeing the irony that mushrooms grown in shit are organic as well. They have lofty goals, most of which I applaud heartily. However, if you can get 54% of America to agree with you and then shortly thereafter have polls drop like anchors, you aren’t onto a good political strategy. (See Baggers, Failure, Tea)

Word. Stop keeping your enemies close and pissing off your friends (for example, the Longshoremen’s Union). Face it, if there’s one thing 99% of America hates it’s people who camp out on the grass in defiance of the Keep Off the Grass signs. Those pro-watching grass grow people mean business (Use of Deadly Pepper Spray Authorized).

BTW, fewer TV interviews with formerly middle class post-grads who trained for archeology, but now can’t find a job “in their field of study”. More interviews with people who not only can’t afford Christmas gifts, but food, clothing, shelter, and water too.

Herewith is a group pop, because the movement is so “organic” no single mushroom has emerged from the shit to take one for the team.

No. 3: Newt Gingrich – Deity

When Joe Scarborough says you’re just plain mean and you’re too crazy for Glenn Beck, some self-examination is in order – even if you’re congenitally unable to do it.

Newt has enough skeletons in his closet to fill the Catacombs three times over. He will not get a pass on those, regardless of how above them he feels entitled to be. He’s now on Wife No. 36, more or less. He’s cheated on the lot of them and is probably grooming Wife No. 37 as we speak. No one believes that he’s really gone over to the God side except the American Family Association, Jim Bakker, and Billy Graham…and he’s almost dead and confused to boot.

Oh, and Joe Scarborough says you are a mean man.

May God have no mercy popping your zit.

No 2. Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh – Media Mavens Who Hate the Media

This one is really too easy, because they are really the same person. Same buffoonery, same blowhardism, and like Newt, same mean people.

If you have a TV or radio show, website, or both, you can’t talk about the media like it’s some underground nefarious plot by treasonous commies, socialists, or nazis who hate the Hate America First or War on Christmas crowds. Simply put, YOU ARE THE MEDIA YOU MORANS!

Each of you have skin thinner than a condom and egos the size of Donald Trump’s – although most of you have better hair (notwithstanding Rush’s bald pate). This is not an especially endearing combination except with survivalists still looking for Barack Hussein Obama’s “real” birth certificate under a chunk of Kenyan rock, and abortion clinic bombers.

Here’s a huge zit-pop for you.

CAUTION: Readers, please step away from the zit so you don’t get wet. This is a juicy one.

No. 1: Barack Obama – Change and Hope Peddler and World’s Worse Negotiator

He means well. He really does. He believes the whole change and hope thing, but wants to get to it by selling his skin to corporatists and any kowtowing to any interest group more powerful than the National Association of Wiener Dogs. He’s also under the misguided impression that bipartisanship actually works. When your opponents say “no” – or worse yet – “hell no” before you even float the infamous trial balloon, bipartisanship is a loser. How many times will he bang his head against this particular rock?

But, the O-Man’s biggest failure is as a negotiator. He bargains like a Rube trying to buy a Ford Pinto with only 3 wheels at Mad Man Dapper Dan’s Pre-Owned, Used Car Lot (“I’d give ‘em away, but my wife won’t let me.”). You don’t tell Dan exactly how much you have in your pocket and then begin haggling against yourself. Clearly, the Pinto will be just a hopeful and change-deprived dream.

True, he’s gotten few things done after a fashion, but his greatest claim to fame may be that he’s infinitely preferable than John McThusela and the Gun Totin’ Moose Mommy. Not a bad accomplishment in its own right.

Sorry Mr. President, but I’ll make this as painless as possible. I hope you can handle the change.

(Quick Stab) little ooze.

Damn! Vitriol feels so damn good. I FEEL ALIVE! ALIVE I SAY!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

The New LaManchas

11:43 am in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Flip Floping Romney

FLIP FLOPPER - Apparently Mitt Romney has as much fidelity to his "principles" as John "Flapjacks" McThusela.

Opinions are like bandwagons, everybody has one. Almost all opinions have a grain of truth at their core, but you have to winnow through a lot of crabgrass to get to it.Many people like to compare the Tea Party to Occupy Wall St. I’m sure it’s a delight for the pundits to debate themselves on innumerable news programs and shout fests, but it doesn’t mean much right now. The situation is simply too fluid to predict where it will go.

One notion says the Tea Party is a laser-focused group of very loud Stepfords harping on taxes, healthcare many of them already accept, and the Obamunist. They applaud anything that agrees with their Pollyanna view and boo anything that doesn’t. By contrast, OWS (there’s an unfortunate abbreviation for you) is a complete rabble of hippies and drifting malcontents that don’t have a cogent message, much less a strong organization culture. They might possibly be Communists or, worse yet, liberals.

Militant Librarians

MILITANT LIBRARIANS - Hell hath no fury like a librarian scorned.

The profile of your average Tea Bagger is quietly in flux. Some of them want limited protest and unquestioning adherence to their own ideology. Some are hammering in a religion plank and are thrilled with Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann, the goofiest two candidates who have personal speed dials for God. Mitt Romney, of course, can’t stand on that plank because he belongs to a cult/non-cult called Mormonism. They’d vote Muslim before they’d vote for that quasi-Christian poseur. At least Muslims look different so you can always see their evil or require their papers.

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The Light Bulb of Freedom and the Flush Heard Round the World

1:23 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

The Tea Party loves liberty and freedom and well they should. No one likes to be mashed under the jackboot, drink tea under totalitarianism, or otherwise be ruthlessly held under duress by a tyrant. After all, that’s what the Constitution is all about. Sic semper tyrannis and all that.

But, tea totalitarianists have a curious sense of how to prioritize the liberties they’ll save. In May, Rand Paul (R-Kentucklhead Corners) took on the tough battle to protect the liberties of those squashed under the jackboot of light bulb efficiency rules and low-flow toilet regulations. He spoke passionately of how his low-flow toilet robbed him of his God-given right to crap in a bowl of his own choice and required him to sometimes flush twice, thrice, or quadrice. What a horrible injustice!

Ritch Workman Ain’t No Braveheart
The latest quest for freedom comes by way of FL Rep. Ritch Workman (R-Anita Bryant County). His excellency is worried about unemployment so is calling for the repeal of a 1989 statute outlawing the traditional values sport of dwarf-tossing. Rep. Workman sees the repeal of the safety regulation as a way of solving Florida’s unemployment problems by harnessing the free-market to put the state’s millions of Little People back to work at their chosen profession.

“To me it’s an archaic kind of Big Brother law that says, ‘We don’t like that activity,’ ” Workman said. “Well, there is nothing immoral or illegal about that activity. All we really did by passing that law was take away some employment from some little people.”

Now that’s true enough I suppose. Little People should be allowed to eschew demeaning carnival jobs in favor of opening for far more dignified Wet T-shirt contests. After all, they can’t all work on reality TV shows like a gaggle of excessively large repo men.

I’ll agree the law infringes the liberties of Little People. However, I can think of many things that abridge freedoms and liberties worse than bad plumbing and flinging Little People. Yet, the Tea Party either ignores those liberties or supports them without seeing it irony.

All Hail the No Dwarf Left Behind Bill
For example, why are so many Tea Partiers intent on passing a Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) that crushes the freedom of gays to marry whom they like? Aren’t no-warrant phone tapping and the ability to board a jet without a cavity search liberties to be enjoyed by all – even Little People? Stacked against a recalcitrant toilet, someone listening to my phone calls seems a larger infringement on my freedom.

About the only bipartisan thing in America today is a fear of government. That’s a healthy thing. It is what keeps a democracy a democracy. Hand too much power to the government, corporations, or any other large institution insinuated into American life and you have a prescription for unrest and rebellion.

So, let’s extinguish the light bulb of freedom and the flush heard round the world and get to work on issues that actually mean something.

A little less tea drinking and a little more action please.

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

If Ben Bernake is a Traitor, What Does That Make Rick Perry?

6:37 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

A OK, Perry

OKAY - Look at me. I got me a herd of the Rick Perry cheerleaders. Pretty fillies, ain't they?

During George the Lesser’s reign people with legitimate beefs with the regime were labeled as traitors or accused of hating America. Don’t wear a flag pin? Traitor! Mention that perhaps the War of Error might not be such a good thing. Why do you hate America?! Today, if you deviate from the Bachmann/Perry line the teabaggers scream, “It’s time to take back OUR country! We will be heard!”

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When You Lay Down With the Pigs You Get Muddy

5:08 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Markets React to Debt

3, 2, 1...LAUNCH! - Despite their claims the debt is a myth, astonished Tea Partiers watch as their truth comes in contact with reality

John Boehner, see what happens when you jump in the pigsty and wallow with the biggest, baddest sow around? Mud, as it turns out, sticks.

In the last election, you cozied up to the Teabaggers with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge confidence that the GOP Old Guard could control those over-exuberant pups on a double caffeine tea jag. You won back the House, but now you’re caught by the balls between a cup of Morning Thunder tea and a crate of tea bags.

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Michele Bachmann, Amy Myers: ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!’

6:14 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

Michele Bachmann is a multi-talented woman. Conspiracy theorist. Miscommunication expert – in both the with and without 100 word freestyle Teleprompter events. Spinner of wild fantasies. Stand up comedian. The list is endless. She’s a barrel of laughs. The nation is lucky to have such comic relief in an era of unbroken heartbreak.

She’s also a member of the ignorati, those folks possessing brains the rough size and intellectual heft of an overcooked turnip. Aside from the obvious, we know she is a card-carrying member because a New Jersey high school sophomore wants to go mano a mano with ‘Chele in a debate about civics, history, and the Constitution. A debate that’ll never happen in a million years.

Amy Will Take Her in Three Rounds
Amy Myers, has Michele’s number though. “The frequent inability you have shown to accurately and factually present even the most basic information about the United States,” pits “my public education against your advanced legal education,” Amy says.

I’ll bet on Amy, even if she is one of the Every Child Left Behind generation.

“As one of a handful of women in Congress, you hold a distinct privilege and responsibility to better represent your gender nationally,” Amy says. “Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole.”

I’d be happy if she better represented the human race, but I’m always left hanging.

Will Michele take up the challenge? I doubt it. She may be stupid, but she’s just smart enough to understand Amy would hand her perky little ass to her on a platter. Sort of a Glenn Beck in a conservative cloth coat.

No Michele will “debate” her goobulent peers instead. Sarah Palin. Newt “The Snoot” Gingrich. Rick “Lock Me Away In a Sanitorium” Santorum. Donald “King of the Motherfu*kin’ World” Trump – even though he’s dropped out of the race and Michele keeps asking him where he got the “hot” do.

A Plaid Skirt Covered Ass
It’s a sad state of affairs when an allegedly serious candidate for public office wouldn’t know a fact if it bit her on her plaid skirt-covered ass. It’s a sad state of affairs when a 16-year old calls you out for your stupidity. And it’s really sad that a serious candidate won’t engage in the debate because she can’t comprehend the kid’s letter.

“Proxy? Huh?”

I’m ready to start the Smoothie Party right now. No more of this Chai Tea and Sumatran blend coffee party stuff. I’m willing to vote for Amy now. You should be too. We need someone with an ounce of sense in the White House. Someone to rebut the tea swillers and miscreants. Someone who knows the meaning of “proxy”. Someone, dare I say it, with a brain.

Come on ! Who’s with me?!!

Cross posted at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

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