You are browsing the archive for Terry Meeuwsen.

Dear Abby: Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Week

5:52 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

It’s a rare week when someone from the Traditional Values cabal doesn’t say something insane. This may be a result of being insane. It may be a result of too much bottle feeding as a baby. Maybe they are even geniuses and just like screwing with the rest of us. Who knows? But just for sad, sad giggles so we can keep from crying, here is some Traditional Values Dumbassitry of the Weak (pun intended).

Christ-Like Pat Robertson Offers Christ-Like Advice About Christ

Pat Robertson with his eyes closed

Pat Robertson (Photo: Daniel Oines / Flickr)

Pat Robertson is up to his old verbal tricks again. I was expecting him to come out with something about God sending the droughts, frying egg on the sidewalk temperatures, or the “corporations are people because I am one” argument because Paul Lynde was gay. Then, SURPRISE! It’s “Christ-like” to dump your Islamo-terrorist girlfriend. Who knew?!

Brad, a 700 Club viewer, asked Pat for some relationship advice on Monday – which is a little like asking a Catholic priest for marriage advice.

Brad has a Muslim girlfriend and he’s “worried that leaving her will turn her off to Christianity and, it isn’t exactly Christ-like.”  – which seems like an odd question considering Muslims probably aren’t too turned on by Christianity anyway – I know I’m not.

Pat’s advice was spot-on, for a zealot…’Jesus doth command, kickith thy biatch to thy curb‘. “Yes, it is Christ-like [to break up with her],” Robertson said. “In the Old Testament, they were forbidden to intermarry with the heathen.”

It wasn’t immediately clear whether Pat was referring to Muslims or Christians as being “the” heathen.

700 Club co-host Terry Meeuwsen added with Freudian slippery chuckles, “It’s funny how we twist and turn what God’s word has to say to make it right for what we want.”

Boy howdy Terry, you said it! Pat ‘whole-Christian-hearterdly’ agreed. “Jesus said, ‘I didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. He’s not gentle Jesus, meek and mild. He really isn’t.”

Well no-duh Patrick.

My Lunacy Can Top Your Lunacy Mr. Televangelist

Read the rest of this entry →

Married Women Abort for Secret Desire to Make Lesbians Equal

2:06 pm in Uncategorized by Omnipotent Poobah

As a former Virginian, I’m all too aware of the asshatery that is Pat Robertson. I once lived a short distance from his colonial palace cum religious law school and occasionally saw some of his on-air “journalists” at the local Farm Fresh. I knew of him when Jim and Tammy Bakker were still producing a kids show starring gospel-spewing puppets (real puppets, not the marionettes that watch CBN). And I’ve followed his frightening career as he prayed away hurricanes and claimed the storms were God’s vengeance on Walt Disney World’s Gay Days.

His latest crusade against the Thundering Herd of Queerosity is a rip-roaring fantasy – aborting babies as a way to “level the playing field” for lesbians. He claims to speak directly with God on the celestial hotline daily, but this is more proof that God really should get a better PR man to service his temporal account.

As with all Robertsonian screeds, he fails in the simple logic his “God” bestowed on humans. Clearly the daily conversations with the Big Kahuna aren’t nearly often enough.

Read the rest of this entry →