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Barack Obama phones Tony Hayward

By: RenniePetersen Friday June 11, 2010 1:59 pm

The White House has announced that President Barack Obama, in response to numerous suggestions, has had a telephone conversation with Tony Hayward, CEO of BP. Asked for more information, the White House spokesman replied that the conversation was confidential, and would not be discussed further.

Fifteen minutes later a transcript of the conversation was available at Wikileaks.

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BO: Hi Tony, Barack Obama here. How you doing?

TH: OK, I guess. Uh, actually not so good. But let me assure you, sir, we’re doing all we can.

BO: Yeah, yeah, I’ve seen your TV ads. Must be tough, trying to make the sinking of the Titanic into a success story. Come to think of it, that was another British enterprise, wasn’t it? Wonder what happened to the CEO of that venture? You know anything about that?

TH: Ah, no, sorry. But what do you want to discuss?

BO: Oh, I don’t know. Just thought I’d take a couple of minutes and shoot the breeze with you, Tony. Then Gibbs, that’s my press secretary, you know, then he can say that I’ve talked to you. That’s what all the right-wing nuts are jumping up and down and screaming about these days. "Obama hasn’t even talked to the CEO of BP! Proof that he’s incompetent!" God, what a bunch of losers. But I have to do the bipartisan act, and pretend that I take them seriously. But you must know about having to put up with idiots too?

TH: Well, there are a couple of BP’s board members who …, um, well, do you want an update on how it’s going with the oil spill?

BO: No, no, I got people who are on top of that. Me, I know nothing about oil. Though they call me a "slick operator", ha ha. No, I’m more of a people person than a technical guy, you know what I mean? It all comes down to the people involved, the people in charge. Don’t you agree?

TH: Uh, yes, of course. And I do understand that you have some of the top specialists with knowledge about this situation advising you. I’m sure everyone understands that.

BO: In your dreams! I don’t know how it is over there in Britain, but here in the U.S. there are so many who are totally partisan. Grab every opportunity to criticize me and put me down. People who apparently just live to push an agenda, don’t give a damn about reality. For example, there’s that Sarah broad up in Alaska, have you heard of her? She chanted "drill, baby, drill", and now she’s claiming she has oil expertise or something. She was the mayor of some small town in the middle of nowhere, ran the place into the ground, so now she has "executive experience" or something! Nice hair though, got to say that about her.

TH: Yes, I’m familiar with Sarah Palin. Would you like me to brief you on our plans for future safety measures?

BO: No, thanks. But I’ll tell you what, maybe we can talk about some numbers. That’s one thing I’ve learned about you CEO-types, you love numbers. Let’s talk about management performance. I got some numbers here somewhere, yeah, here we go. You know, when I took over management of this country from the previous guy, the Dow Jones was 8,000, and today it’s at 10,200. So how’s your stock price doing?

TH: Well, not so good, but I’m sure that as soon as ….

BO: Yeah, yeah, I actually have your numbers here, Tony. When you took over as CEO of BP in May 2007, BP was trading at around $68. Today your stock is going for $32. And there are all these right-wing know-nothings who think I should be asking you for advice! Does that make any sense to you, Tony?

TH: That’s, ah, that’s not something I’d care to comment on, Mr. President. Of course, I would like to point out that it’s fairly easy for you to look good, when taking your predecessor into account.

BO: Ouch, OK, I’ll grant you that. Do you know George W.? I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, but some kind of village idiot, and not a very good one at that. But my problem is that there are huge groups of people over here who are constantly attacking me, no matter what I do. Everything I do is wrong! You know, if I walked on water these wack jobs would start screaming, "See, he can’t swim!" Ah well, we all have our problems. I gotta run, Tony. I’ll let you get on with whatever it is you do when you’re not on TV saying you want your life back.

TH: Uh, yes, that was not my finest moment. Thank you for calling, sir. Please call again whenever you want.

BO: Sure, I’ll do that. And by the way, you have my word that if I decide that we need to take over BP and fire you, I’ll give you advance warning – at least 15 minutes. That sound OK to you, Tony?

TH: Er, yes, I suppose so. That’s very considerate of you, Mr. President. And thanks again for calling.

BO: No problem. Good talking to you Tony. Always happy to lend a helping hand. You take care now. Bye.

It’s True! Obama Really Is A Super-Villain!

By: RenniePetersen Sunday April 18, 2010 5:02 pm

I have this confession to make. I actually liked Barack Obama. I even have a couple of Obama posters on my wall, and I was happy when he won the presidential election.

But now my heart is in turmoil.

You see, I happened to read a blog article on a site called HillBuzz entitled "Question: When something bad happens to America, do you ever get the feeling Obama smiles, just a little?"

Now I’m totally confused, and in a state of dread.

What if it’s true? What if the author of this article is correct in his/her surprising insights?

"When we hear news like this, we honestly can picture the current president smiling, even just a little, happy something awful happened to the country."

"We don’t believe he cares much what happens to the people he’s leading. Whether we suffer, thrive, live, or die, none of it matters to him."

"When America is hit by enemies, we really think he smirks."

This article was published 10 days ago, and since then I’ve been thinking and thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two possibilities:

A. The author of this article is some kind of moron/cretin whose IQ is inferior to his/her shoe size, and who gets off on fantasizing about the downfall of America because the wrong person got elected and he/she is a sore loser. Psychologists call these kinds of thoughts "projection".

B. The article is true! Obama is an America-hating super-villain! Oh my God, the country is doomed!

Like I said, I’ve been thinking and thinking about this, and I’ve been watching Obama with a new and critical eye, and I’ve come to the conclusion that alternative B must be correct! (After all, alternative A is just too ludicrous, right?)

This revelation has changed everything. Now I understand why Obama was so happy when he won the presidential election – he knew that he was now in a position to destroy the country he hated so much – that’s why he was smiling!

When you see Obama on TV, smiling and confident, now you know why he’s in such a good mood! He’s thinking to himself, "Oh boy, so far so good! I’m steering the country towards the edge of the precipice, and I’ve got them all fooled! What a bunch of suckers! Won’t they all be surprised when we go over the edge and America becomes a third-world failed state! Heh, heh, this is so much fun!"

Well, all I can say is thank heaven for blogs like HillBuzz.

Bye bye, Granny

By: RenniePetersen Thursday March 25, 2010 11:16 am

Hope you don’t mind me getting all tearful and sad here, but I really do feel the need to share.

Been up to the old folks’ home to say goodbye to granny.

Worst part was that she went totally into denial when I started telling her she was going to be put down.

"What you talking about, Jake?" she says, when I tell her that Obamacare is now the law, and the death panels are going to do away with her. "Nobody going terminate me, just because you and that no-good bitch you married won’t take care of me any more." Yeah, she talks like that. For some reason she never cottoned to Mary-Jane – in fact it was hate at first sight for both of them.

"I’m real sorry, granny", I keep saying. "If we had the money, I’d try to do something. But we got six kids now, and that costs, and besides, there’s no room left in your old house. Anyway, I’m sure they’ll do it real humane, you probably won’t feel a thing. That’s how they do it nowadays, even on death row."

"You been drinking again, Jake?" she says. "You never were the sharpest knife in the drawer, but this time you’re way out beyond left field!"

So I try to explain to granny again how Sarah Palin and all the others on Fox News say that Obamacare means that we have to do away with the old people who can’t afford something called "Cadillac coverage" or something like that, although why you need to get health care for your car I never did quite figure out. But Sarah, she’s a real smart cookie, and she saw through it all – that’s why I like her, real smart and cute too.

And then I noticed that granny has an Obama button lying over on her dresser. "Hell, granny, did you vote for that swindler?" I ask her.

"Of course I did", she says. "I may be old, but I’m not stupid, like certain other people in this room."

So there you have it. I really feel sorry for granny, and I’m going to miss her. But what can I do, I mean, like, she really brought it on herself.

Damn it all. And how am I going to convince Mary-Jane to go to the funeral with me? Damn it all to hell.

Sorry to unload on you all like this …

Let’s Waterboard Jesus!

By: RenniePetersen Saturday March 13, 2010 3:15 pm

A sneak peek into the diary of Elizabeth (Liz) Cheney:

march 12 – 2010

dear diary

today started out poorly – still pissed off about those republican lawyers who pushed back on my ‘al-qaeda 7′ tv ad – what’s the matter with them? – which team do they think they’re on? – we’re at war! – that’s what daddy says we have to keep saying – got to keep the pressure turned up – we’re at war, we’re at war! – it’s unamerican to not be afraid and be pushing for constant escalation – just got to remember to not reveal that when i say ‘we’re at war’ that the enemy i’m really talking about is the democrats

anyway, i spent the morning brushing up on talking points for my next interview at fox – they’re such darlings, the way they keep inviting me back, and never ask any nasty questions, like they do on the other channels – good there’s at least one all-american tv network to counteract all that liberal filth on the other channels

then daddy phoned – that made my day, i’m always in such a good mood after talking to him – he really is a guiding star, and he’s been treated so poorly these last couple years – ah, well, our time will come again, like he always says

he phoned to tell me the good news that karl had come out with a public statement on how proud he was that we’d waterboarded those bastards at guantanamo – good ol karl rove, he’s one we can always count on – he said waterboarding terrorists was the way to keep the world safe! – amen to that

so then we got talking about those stupid liberals and how some of them say it’s unchristian to torture – like they have the right to push their brand of leftest bullshit on others – ‘jesus wouldn’t torture’ they say – and daddy says to me, ‘well, jesus was never my favorite christian, all that long hair and those socialist unamerican ideas’

nope, we agreed that the real christian heroes are guys like pat robertson – now there’s an american-style christian one can believe in – we don’t need any dirty foreigners trying to influence our religious beliefs – jesus actually comes across as a communist if you are on your toes and aware of the tell-tale signs – palling around with terrorists – never got married either, he was probably a closet gay

‘you know, if jesus showed up in washington and started recruiting, we’d probably have to arrest him and waterboard him’ i said to daddy, and we both got a good laugh out of that – but really, that’s what those commie terrorists deserve, or worse – and then daddy mentioned that he always thought it so unfair that it isn’t possible to torture the suicide bombers – they deprive us of that pleasure, and it really is our right to torture those we don’t like

‘besides, waterboarding isn’t even torture, so what’s the problem?’ – daddy and i really are on exactly the same wavelength most of the time – but then he surprised me – i said, ‘hey daddy, why don’t you offer to let them waterboard you a couple of times, just to demonstrate how safe and unproblematic it is?’ – so then he went real silent for a long time, and then he said, ‘don’t ever say that liz – jeez, whatever you do, don’t ever say that’ – weird, he’s normally so brave, totally fearless in combating america’s worst enemies, the democrats

but we had a nice long chat – put me in a super mood – now for bed, tomorrow’s another day – good night, dear diary

To be continued…

Return of the Living Dead

By: RenniePetersen Wednesday January 20, 2010 5:45 am

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"Return of the Living Dead" is a 1985 American film which was loosely based on the seminal 1968 zombie movie "Night of the Living Dead", created by George A. Romero and John A. Russo. Like "Night of the Living Dead", which spawned five sequels and four remakes, "Return of the Living Dead" also spawned a whole series of films, including "Return of the Living Dead Part II" (1988), "Return of the Living Dead 3" (1993), "Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis" (2005) and "Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave" (2005).

Common for all of the "Return of the Living Dead" films is the idea that people who should be dead and gone have somehow been reanimated and have returned to plague the rest of us. The exact cause of this affliction is unknown, although one line of thought is that excessive exposure to certain brain-numbing television programs is involved.

These reanimated individuals display various symptoms, making it fairly easy to spot them. For example, they typically suffer from impaired memory, claiming erroneously that only good things happened when the people they revere were in power, and that all bad things were caused by the opponents of those persons. They also suffer from seriously reduced intelligence, walking around in a kind of daze and reiterating the same slogans again and again in a mindless fashion. Attempting to communicate with them is an exercise in futility, as they are no longer capable of participating in any intelligent dialog.

The most serious problem related to these reanimated "Return of the Living Dead" characters is how to get rid of them. The fact that they shouldn’t even be there implies that most of the standard techniques for disposing of unwanted persons does not have any effect on them; they just keep coming back again and again to bother us. In fact, the latest events seem to indicate that with each resurgence they become ever more annoying and irritating.

In "Learning to Live with the Living Dead", author Jason Willoughby writes that the best strategy for dealing with these individuals is to ignore them as much as possible, and that when that becomes intolerable, then large doses of ridicule should be applied. He is currently negotiating with several publishers, trying to get the best price for his next book: "Keeping your Sanity by Laughing at the Living Dead".

To be continued…

The Grumpy Positioning System

By: RenniePetersen Wednesday December 23, 2009 10:25 am

Lost in all the news and controversy about health care, almost nobody has noticed the legislation introduced by the Minority Leader, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), intended to revamp the Global Positioning System. This is unfortunate, as Senator McConnell’s bill would have profound effects on the daily lives of millions of people.

"There are several problems with the current GPS system," explains Senator McConnell in the explanatory remarks that accompany the bill. "It’s way too socialist – it tells you to turn left just as often, or maybe even oftener, than it tells you to turn right. And it’s way too soft-spoken, very un-American, in the way it expresses itself. It’s even more polite than Obama, when everyone knows that the true American spirit is best expressed with antagonism and belligerence."

Senator McConnell’s proposed system, which he calls GPS II, but which the technology-savvy critics have dubbed the Grumpy Positioning System (named after the Grumpy Oldsters Party), would involve re-programming the current GPS satellites so that they will download new software to all hand-held and vehicle-mounted GPS navigation devices. The result will be changes both in the directions provided, and how the directions are communicated to the user.

CNet.com, having gotten their hands on a beta version of the GPS II software, has published the following transcript of a typical set of instructions delivered by an in-car GPS navigation display:

"OK dummy, try to turn right in about 500 feet, if that’s not too advanced for you!"

"Hey, what the hell are you doing! I said you should turn right, not left! What’s the matter with you? You some kind of leftist homo queer or something?"

"Now whatever you do, keep to the right for the next, oh, 14 years or so. That’s right, keep to the right. If not, I’ll report you as a frigging anti-American. I got connections, you know!"

"Where do you think you’re going! I said to keep right! Look, this is your last chance: If you want to save Christmas, you got to turn right at the next intersection. Or else!"

When asked if he thought his bill had any chance of being passed, Senator McConnell was fairly optimistic. "We’re working on it. So far we’ve bought 43 senators, so we only need to bribe 8 or 9 more!"

To be continued…

Palling Around with God

By: RenniePetersen Wednesday November 25, 2009 2:53 pm

Just to prove she’s a good sport, Sarah Palin agrees to a new exclusive interview with Katie Couric.

Katie Couric: Thanks for the return visit, Sarah. Now, everyone is talking about your book, Going Rogue. I’ve read it, of course, and the one part that really blew me away was on pages 185-186, where you tell about the letter that you wrote to yourself, and you wrote that letter in the person of God, signing it "Love, Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father". Wow! Isn’t that just a little bit presumptuous?

Sarah Palin: Well first off Katie, it’s really great to be back on your show. I do have fond memories of our previous discussion; there’s nothing like a good heart-to-heart with an elitist liberal know-it-all to get my good ol’ hockey mom juices flowing!

KC: Thanks, I guess. But about that letter that you wrote to yourself, Sarah, and you signed it God. I’m thinking that a lot of people will find that rather presumptuous?

SP: Now let me tell you, Katie, I’ve been overwhelmed by the response to my book. All those tens of thousands of people who have come to the book signing events and told me how wonderful my book was, and how much they loved me! That’s where you can see the real strength of America – that the real American people can see through the state-run media and their leftist hacks, and find true love in the person of little ol’ me.

KC: That’s nice for you Sarah, but could you please humor this leftist hack, and answer my question? Presumptuous? Maybe just a little bit?

SP: Really Katie, I don’t know what you mean! Of course, my whole family loves my cooking, and Track says I make the most sumptuous moose-burgers in the world. But what does that have to do with my book?

KC: Um, OK, let’s try it from another angle. When you write a letter like that, and sign it God, aren’t you a bit worried about what God might think of what you’re doing in His name? After all, you’re sort of setting yourself up as God’s ghostwriter…

SP: Ah, right, now I get it. You’re worried that maybe me and God, that we aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on something or other? No problem, Katie. Me and God, we talk things over a lot; in fact He consults me regularly. So don’t you worry your little head about God going off half cocked without the two of us knowing exactly what we’re doing.

KC: I see. You know, there are people who talk to God and there are people who think they are Napoleon, and you know, psychiatrists say that this sort of thing is a symptom of a mental problem, sort of two sides of the same coin. What do you think?

SP: Oh, yes, there’s a serious problem there. And let me tell you, Katie, I really feel sorry for those people.

KC: Um, you feel sorry for yourself?

SP: No, no, I really feel sorry for psychiatrists. They live in their deluded little world, and can’t get in touch with their Maker. It must be totally awful for them.

KC: Ah, yes, I see what you mean. Now I understand that you recently visited Billy Graham, and that as a present he gave you a couple of Bibles. I’m just wondering, are you perhaps a member of the "King James only" movement? You know, the people who believe that the King James version of the Bible is the only correct and authoritative Bible in existence?

SP: Well, yes, sort of. Like I usually say, Katie, "If the King James Bible was good enough for Saint Paul, it’s good enough for me!"

KC: Right, well, I think we’d better quit now, Sarah. Sorry, about the twitching, I’m having trouble controlling this compulsion to bang my head on the table. Thank you so much for your visit.

SP: No problem, Katie. Thanks for not asking any gotcha questions this time. See you again in 2012!

To be continued…

Sarah Sallies Southward

By: RenniePetersen Friday November 13, 2009 5:53 pm

The wicked witch of Wasilla was once again waltzing on the warpath. Withdrawing from her watchtower among the weeds of the windy waters, she winged her way from wintry weather to warmer watering holes. Here she wandered widely, and warned her worshippers that The One was wantonly wrecking the western world.

"This wizard is no whiz!" she wailed. "From Wichita to Washington we will wage war with this worthless worm! We will bring woe to his wretched welcoming of welfare. Awaken your wrath, else all will be wasteland and wilderness! We are his Waterloo, his Watergate!"

No weak-kneed wimp, Wasilla’s wily wench was wilfully working the wasps nests of wing nuts and whack jobs. Week after week her well-known winks and woodsy witchcraft won out, wrongly wiping away all words of wisdom. "We’re wildly witless; ain’t it wonderful!" waxed Wasilla’s wealthiest word smith with wanton whoops.

A wholesome wrap to this whimsical writeup would have been welcome, but alas, we must wait and watch as the wheel winds its way.

To be continued…