The White House has announced that President Barack Obama, in response to numerous suggestions, has had a telephone conversation with Tony Hayward, CEO of BP. Asked for more information, the White House spokesman replied that the conversation was confidential, and would not be discussed further.
Fifteen minutes later a transcript of the conversation was available at Wikileaks.
BO: Hi Tony, Barack Obama here. How you doing?
TH: OK, I guess. Uh, actually not so good. But let me assure you, sir, we’re doing all we can.
BO: Yeah, yeah, I’ve seen your TV ads. Must be tough, trying to make the sinking of the Titanic into a success story. Come to think of it, that was another British enterprise, wasn’t it? Wonder what happened to the CEO of that venture? You know anything about that?
TH: Ah, no, sorry. But what do you want to discuss?
BO: Oh, I don’t know. Just thought I’d take a couple of minutes and shoot the breeze with you, Tony. Then Gibbs, that’s my press secretary, you know, then he can say that I’ve talked to you. That’s what all the right-wing nuts are jumping up and down and screaming about these days. "Obama hasn’t even talked to the CEO of BP! Proof that he’s incompetent!" God, what a bunch of losers. But I have to do the bipartisan act, and pretend that I take them seriously. But you must know about having to put up with idiots too?
TH: Well, there are a couple of BP’s board members who …, um, well, do you want an update on how it’s going with the oil spill?
BO: No, no, I got people who are on top of that. Me, I know nothing about oil. Though they call me a "slick operator", ha ha. No, I’m more of a people person than a technical guy, you know what I mean? It all comes down to the people involved, the people in charge. Don’t you agree?
TH: Uh, yes, of course. And I do understand that you have some of the top specialists with knowledge about this situation advising you. I’m sure everyone understands that.
BO: In your dreams! I don’t know how it is over there in Britain, but here in the U.S. there are so many who are totally partisan. Grab every opportunity to criticize me and put me down. People who apparently just live to push an agenda, don’t give a damn about reality. For example, there’s that Sarah broad up in Alaska, have you heard of her? She chanted "drill, baby, drill", and now she’s claiming she has oil expertise or something. She was the mayor of some small town in the middle of nowhere, ran the place into the ground, so now she has "executive experience" or something! Nice hair though, got to say that about her.
TH: Yes, I’m familiar with Sarah Palin. Would you like me to brief you on our plans for future safety measures?
BO: No, thanks. But I’ll tell you what, maybe we can talk about some numbers. That’s one thing I’ve learned about you CEO-types, you love numbers. Let’s talk about management performance. I got some numbers here somewhere, yeah, here we go. You know, when I took over management of this country from the previous guy, the Dow Jones was 8,000, and today it’s at 10,200. So how’s your stock price doing?
TH: Well, not so good, but I’m sure that as soon as ….
BO: Yeah, yeah, I actually have your numbers here, Tony. When you took over as CEO of BP in May 2007, BP was trading at around $68. Today your stock is going for $32. And there are all these right-wing know-nothings who think I should be asking you for advice! Does that make any sense to you, Tony?
TH: That’s, ah, that’s not something I’d care to comment on, Mr. President. Of course, I would like to point out that it’s fairly easy for you to look good, when taking your predecessor into account.
BO: Ouch, OK, I’ll grant you that. Do you know George W.? I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, but some kind of village idiot, and not a very good one at that. But my problem is that there are huge groups of people over here who are constantly attacking me, no matter what I do. Everything I do is wrong! You know, if I walked on water these wack jobs would start screaming, "See, he can’t swim!" Ah well, we all have our problems. I gotta run, Tony. I’ll let you get on with whatever it is you do when you’re not on TV saying you want your life back.
TH: Uh, yes, that was not my finest moment. Thank you for calling, sir. Please call again whenever you want.
BO: Sure, I’ll do that. And by the way, you have my word that if I decide that we need to take over BP and fire you, I’ll give you advance warning – at least 15 minutes. That sound OK to you, Tony?
TH: Er, yes, I suppose so. That’s very considerate of you, Mr. President. And thanks again for calling.
BO: No problem. Good talking to you Tony. Always happy to lend a helping hand. You take care now. Bye.