Let’s Waterboard Jesus!

3:15 pm in Uncategorized by RenniePetersen

A sneak peek into the diary of Elizabeth (Liz) Cheney:

march 12 – 2010

dear diary

today started out poorly – still pissed off about those republican lawyers who pushed back on my ‘al-qaeda 7′ tv ad – what’s the matter with them? – which team do they think they’re on? – we’re at war! – that’s what daddy says we have to keep saying – got to keep the pressure turned up – we’re at war, we’re at war! – it’s unamerican to not be afraid and be pushing for constant escalation – just got to remember to not reveal that when i say ‘we’re at war’ that the enemy i’m really talking about is the democrats

anyway, i spent the morning brushing up on talking points for my next interview at fox – they’re such darlings, the way they keep inviting me back, and never ask any nasty questions, like they do on the other channels – good there’s at least one all-american tv network to counteract all that liberal filth on the other channels

then daddy phoned – that made my day, i’m always in such a good mood after talking to him – he really is a guiding star, and he’s been treated so poorly these last couple years – ah, well, our time will come again, like he always says

he phoned to tell me the good news that karl had come out with a public statement on how proud he was that we’d waterboarded those bastards at guantanamo – good ol karl rove, he’s one we can always count on – he said waterboarding terrorists was the way to keep the world safe! – amen to that

so then we got talking about those stupid liberals and how some of them say it’s unchristian to torture – like they have the right to push their brand of leftest bullshit on others – ‘jesus wouldn’t torture’ they say – and daddy says to me, ‘well, jesus was never my favorite christian, all that long hair and those socialist unamerican ideas’

nope, we agreed that the real christian heroes are guys like pat robertson – now there’s an american-style christian one can believe in – we don’t need any dirty foreigners trying to influence our religious beliefs – jesus actually comes across as a communist if you are on your toes and aware of the tell-tale signs – palling around with terrorists – never got married either, he was probably a closet gay

‘you know, if jesus showed up in washington and started recruiting, we’d probably have to arrest him and waterboard him’ i said to daddy, and we both got a good laugh out of that – but really, that’s what those commie terrorists deserve, or worse – and then daddy mentioned that he always thought it so unfair that it isn’t possible to torture the suicide bombers – they deprive us of that pleasure, and it really is our right to torture those we don’t like

‘besides, waterboarding isn’t even torture, so what’s the problem?’ – daddy and i really are on exactly the same wavelength most of the time – but then he surprised me – i said, ‘hey daddy, why don’t you offer to let them waterboard you a couple of times, just to demonstrate how safe and unproblematic it is?’ – so then he went real silent for a long time, and then he said, ‘don’t ever say that liz – jeez, whatever you do, don’t ever say that’ – weird, he’s normally so brave, totally fearless in combating america’s worst enemies, the democrats

but we had a nice long chat – put me in a super mood – now for bed, tomorrow’s another day – good night, dear diary

To be continued…