WaPo’s Dana Milbank has peered into the soul of the Obama Administration and discovered the Obama Presidency would be an utter failure if it weren’t for the brilliance of Rahm Emanuel.

In Why Obama needs Rahmbo at the top, Milbank claims every misstep and failure attributed to Obama can be directly traced to Obama rejecting Rahm’s wise advice and instead following his own instincts or those of the cult fools that surround the President.

If only Obama had listened to Rahm, the President would have cured American’s health system with a popular, bipartisan health reform bill already, and the Republicans would be falling all over themselves to support climate change legislation, financial reform, education reform, fair treatment for detainees and a massive jobs/stimulus program.

I’m sure Milbank must have broken at least three No. 2 pencils trying furiously to keep up with all the points Rahm Emanuel handed him, but fortunately, we’ve retrieved the original notes:

0. Obama is a dreamy-eyed incompetent fool who would be doomed without Rahm’s guidance.

1. Everyone else around Obama is a fawning idiot.

2. Rahm has his own press unit — he gave me this story, but told me not to print points 0 and 1.

3. Obama’s Presidency would fail without Rahm calling everyone else f**g re**ds.

4. Since he’s a complete backstabbing jerk, Rahm would have been more successful in getting conservaDems and Republicans to agree with him.

5. All of the principled, popular measures Obama ran on made the Administration bills less popular, while all the shady, corrupt backroom deals everyone hates made the bills more popular; therefore, Obama should follow Rahm’s advice and do more shady corrupt deals with the people who ran the country into the ground, and that will allow Obama to succeed.

6. This all make sense because, I, Dana Milbank, am clueless. (Am I supposed to print that?)

Update: I suppose if you want to help Dana help the White House succeed, you can forward Dana’s column to the White House. They always appreciate Beltway advice, especially when it’s leaked from Rahm (h/t emptywheel).