Yesterday I saw a photo stating, “84, 499, 989 Firearm owners killed no one yesterday.”

I thought that was an excellent point. Why focus on the 11 people firearm owners did kill yesterday? I’m such a negative thinker.  So I started thinking, “If I was the gun lobby, or ALEC- their legislation vendor –how would I put a better spin on the Trayvon Martin shooting.”  Here are some of my totally fabricated parody stories and ideas:

“Why is nobody talking about the GOOD killings the ‘Shoot First’ law encourages?“-

A lament from ALEC member Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker

“Everyone is looking at the one bad example of the law being used, but hundreds of people have used it to successful get rid of that annoying neighbor or rival drug dealer. That’s a big plus for any community. The prisons don’t get filled up either, that’s a win-win for a cash strapped state.

The down side? “I do have to remember to slowly take out my cell phone in public.”

Asked about future plans to extend “Shoot First” laws into Government buildings the Gov. hedged, “I have no plans to change the law that bans guns  at the Capitol building or to remove the metal detectors and full-time security guards where I’m at most of the time. My hands are tied when it comes to changing laws protecting me. If I did, my wife would kill me.” He then quickly added, “I mean she would be mad at me. She really wouldn’t kill me, kill me, or shoot me, shoot me–especially since I don’t let her have a gun, I mean what with the way we argue…” he trailed off.

“How will this shooting increase gun sales?”

An NRA super lobbyist perspective on the George Zimmerman witch hunt, by Marion Hammer

“How will this shooting increase gun sales”, was my first thought. said super-NRA lobbyist Marion Hammer upon hearing of the shooting of Trayvon Martin shooting. “I’m color blind, except to green. The roles could have been reversed as far as I’m concerned, my next question was, “Was the shooter using a lightweight Kel-Tec 9mm or the heavier more expensive Glock? Is he a lifetime member or just a yearly member of the NRA? How many ‘safety’ classes have we sold him?”


“How To Legally Kill Your Annoying Neighbor In 32 States!*

A How To Guide.

Future joint ALEC/NRA Seminar: “How to Get Away With Murder. Legally” – The George Zimmerman Story. How to use language, the law and dress to avoid suspicion and prosecution.

    • The 3 Things you Must Know before talking to the police.Use the same language the police use for a “good shoot”
      “He angrily reached into his pocket…
      “I felt threatened for my life. I had no duty to retreat. It was my right to stand my ground.
      “This is a defensive wound…”
  • Know your real Weapon — The Law!
  • Why You MUST shoot to Kill – (Avoiding the, “His Word Against Mine” problem)
    • What makes you a law-abiding citizen shooter outside your home, vs. a law-breaking hood you might encounter? The surprising answer!
  • Clothing to wear outside your home while preparing to Defend your Ground
    -Avoid “ethnic” clothing, “bling,” hoodies, baggy pants
    -Pro-tip: Observe what off-duty cops wear and copy them
    -How to look like a banker out walking, not a gangster out robbing
  • Why it’s better to be wrong than dead by shooting first in the following states.

Twenty-five states, including Florida, have “Stand Your Ground” laws, containing provisions that generally allow the use of deadly force in self-defense with no duty to retreat when outside the home. The twenty-five states with these laws are:

Alabama Louisiana South Carolina
Arizona Michigan South Dakota
Florida Mississippi Tennessee
Georgia Montana Texas
Idaho Nevada Utah
Illinois New Hampshire Washington
Indiana North Carolina West Virginia
Kansas Oklahoma
Kentucky Oregon

 

Another seven states have limited “Stand Your Ground” laws that extend to specific locations outside the home, including a vehicle or place of business or employment. These laws, however, are not as broad as the Florida law:

Alaska Iowa Pennsylvania
Connecticut Missouri
Hawaii North Dakota

Other States Are Considering “Stand Your Ground” Legislation

In 2012, legislation is or was pending in six states (Alaska, Iowa, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nebraska and New York) that would eliminate the duty to retreat outside of the home. The Iowa bill has already been passed by the House of Representatives; the Minnesota bill was vetoed.

Three additional states (Indiana, New Jersey, and Oklahoma) considered related legislation this year. The Indiana legislation, which has been signed into law, allows the use of force to resist law enforcement’s entry into one’s home.

* Source of list of states, Legal Community Against Violence

Of course Gov. Scott Walker NEVER said these things. They are totally a function of my overactive mind. However I will point out that Walker is a member of ALEC and did sign the Shoot First law.  And Marion Hammer NEVER said those things. However she does get $190,000 a year from the NRA and in 1996, Hammer told the New York Times that the solution to ending the gun control debate in the United States was to “get rid of all Liberals.”

Have a safe weekend. Hopefully you won’t be one of the 22 dead.