This time around with the Iraq war I want to be on the “winning side” I don’t mean being right, I mean getting paid to be wrong. What good is being right if you can’t monetize it? My contract work at one of the Big 8 peace firms is up, so I’ve been shopping around for new clients.
I can’t reveal who they are but this client wants a stable Middle East. They aren’t as concerned with Iraqis as they are with keeping the spice (I mean oil) flowing. They also believe war is the answer. I can’t dissuade them of this, and as I said, it’s not profitable being right, so I came up with a solution.
It’s their turn to be muscle for Big Business.
As Old Gimlet Eye, Smedley Butler, told us back in the 1930′s. US troops are used to protect industry players and their assets around the world. Why do people in the US have to do all the dying, spending all the money and still not have any control? It is especially annoying if we aren’t getting the benefits anymore. Let some other country throw a couple of trillion down that bloody sand hole.
Now some of these companies have a sentimental attachment to using the US military because that is where they started. They aren’t so attached to the US that they pay full taxes here, but their wives tell them that “American boys” dying in a war is a bad thing.
So I’m getting the idea out there now, let China fix the problem. It will be like we are the French leaving Vietnam and they are the US coming in later.
Think about how many ways that this will work for us (and by us I mean me and my new client.)
The Chinese are sitting on tons of money from making crap for the people in the US. They can send pallets of 20 billion Yen to Iraq and not even notice it unless someone starts talking about raising taxes. If they do, imprison them.
They have a surplus of men. They can can balance their whole population gender problem with a couple of poorly thought out ground deployments against the well-armed ISIS groups.
Now of course this isn’t how I will sell it to the Chinese. I would first work up some historic grudge between Iraq and China. Then I would find some kind of story about how Iraq was behind supporting Falun Gong or the Tienanmen Square riots or something. Oh, I know, I’ll plant the story that “Iraq is where Tank Man went to hide!” finally I would leak though the Great Firewall of China that Iraq used all those US pallets of cash to buy some nukes, but it’s not Israel that should be afraid–it’s China. China is getting too big and their desire for resources is too much. Tank Guy has been telling everyone in Iraq how terrible China is–they are worse than the US! They all know how bad we are plus China has human rights violations! Also, ocean’s can’t protect them!
What is great about this plan is that the state controlled media will love this, it is a drama they can show on TV that is not about attacking their own countrymen! Besides, if everyone is going to get cars, they need more oil. If people complain about picking up a war they didn’t start they can be ignored, locked up or conscripted. In fact conscription might be better than working at a Foxconn plant, if they want to commit suicide they just have to walk into enemy gun fire trying to “rescue” someone and they die a hero. Win Win!
Speaking of winning, as a capitalistic country their weapons manufacturers will have a chance to make some real money. They will have to maintain the same level of technology that the US had. Since they are already making most of the parts for the drones, they will just hack into our computers, get the few extra bits of code, change the location of the deliveries and it’s off to the races!
I’m working on some of the backing documents now. Look for my Project for a New Chinese Century coming out soon.
Photo by Infidelic under Creative Commons license