I am the very model of a very modern President,
I’ve information lobbying and learned constitutional,
I know the Bills of Rights, and I quote the precedents
From Marbury to Citizens, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters economical,
I understand statutes, both the state and the federal,
About equal rights I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about workers and the unions.

I’m very good at laws and rules of the senate;
I know the obscure names of the rules and procedural:
In short, in matters lobbying and learned constitutional,
I am the very model of a modern President.

I know our mythic history, George Washington and Jefferson;
I answer hard questions, I’ve a pretty taste for ethics,
I quote rule of law for crimes of Marijuana,
In health I preserve all peculiarities parasitical;
I can tell firm principles from pandering to lobbyists,
I know the croaking chorus from The Republican Caucus
Then I can take both positions on a matter of substance
And support that infernal nonsense known as General Welfare.

Then I can vote a weak bill scattering liberties,
And tell you every detail of respecting people’s privacy
In short, in matters lobbying and learned constitutional,
I am the very model of a modern President.

In fact, when I know what is meant by “quorum” and “cloture”,
When I can tell at sight a Reconciliation from a Filibuster
When such affairs as parties, press and surprises I’m more aware,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “compromise”,
When I have learnt what progress has been made in government,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, when I’ve a smattering of political strategy—
You’ll say a better President has never shat on thee.

For my erudition, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters lobbying and learned constitutional,
I am the very model of a modern President.

With no apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.