China today tendered an offer for all 500 of the US top 500 companies, with the exception of defense and Information Technology companies.

China described as US defense companies as “Departments of the United States,” inefficient and unable to produce goods which meet China’s cost and quality standards. The IT companies, which became famous for their profit-margin-by-outsourcing strategies, were dismissed as being hotbeds of Indian Ideals and Activism. The Chinese spokesman continued, saying that China has its own classification system and did not want to become burdened with a “non-socialist class system from a corrupt and racist sub-continent.” US IT representatives were unavailable for comment

The offer states:

China has decided to liquidate its holding of US Dollars, its Cash and US Government Bonds, in accordance with Modern Monetary Theories of the value of money, and the nature of Cash and Government Bonds.

China’s liquidity in US dollars is about $14 Trillion, and the combined revenues of the US Fortune 500 companies are approximately $1 Trillion US. At an average 5% P/E ratio this values the US Fortune 500 at about 20 Trillion.

China is offering to buy at the highest recorded Market price for any of the F500 over the last 14 days. Shareholders have until the next general meeting of all these companies to consider this offer, and if 51% of the current shareholders agree, China will buy their shares at this public price. China has no intention of replacing current management or changing operations in any way for the foreseeable future, but will working with the Management of each and every company to transform them into Canadian Companies, with majority Chinese ownership.

The reason for the Canadian ownership is because, first China wants to take advantage of the Investor State Dispute Provision embodied in the NAFTA and strengthened in the Trans Pacific Partnership, and will sue the US government if there is any interference in the revenue stream or potential profits of these companies as a result of these friendly takeovers, and second Canadian Law contains fewer loopholes because it is based on principle and not exact wording, and there are fewer loopholes in a legal system based on principle.

China believes that, based on the US’s duplicitous behavior in many areas, it will easily recoup its investment in these companies through the “potential profit damage” provision of TPP regulations soon after the treaty is passed by Congress, and becomes an adjunct to United States Constitution.

China expects to be able to double each company’s profit, and recoup it $14 Trillion investment in under one year, by taking aggressive action against the US Government in NAFTA and later TPP arbitration forums, using loyal Mandarin-speaking arbitration panels, composed of arbitrators loyal to the Chinese State.

In a related announcement, the Chinese Government announced a “luxury compound” being built in Beijing for Chinese nationals with law degrees, and their families, named the Inns of Court (although the translation is ambiguous and could easily mean “The Prison of Courts.”)

These lucky Chinese Lawyers and their families need to be protected from potentially illegal outside pressure as they work their way through TPP trade disputes, and the Chinese state is proud to offer the families protection from unhealthy external pressures.

President Obama welcomed the news; he was quoted as saying, “America is glad to do business with China; they will provide the US with a positive balance of payments.”

In unrelated news, shares of Swiss Banks exploded in a frenzy of buying, and the Swiss Government has expressed concern about speculation in Swiss Bank shares, and tried unsuccessfully to halt the frenzy. It seemed that the source currency for most of these transactions was the US dollar, from the continental US.

After the run on Swiss Bank shares, China announced that it was rethinking its strategy.

It recommended Fraud should be a “look forward not backward” process, and the Chinese version requires the perpetrator to look forward in the summary execution after a speedy one day trial, including appeals.

The second recommendation is shares in all the takeover targets be suspended unit the takeover process is complete, and the change in activity on the US stock casinos [sic] exchanges would only impair gamblers.

The Chinese Government issued a strong clarifying statement: “The Chinese Government had no intention whatsoever on enriching gamblers after tolerating the US’s behavior with its currency over the last 20 years.”

Image ripped from Fortune 500