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by Synoia

China to buy entire Fortune 500

9:24 pm in Uncategorized by Synoia

China today tendered an offer for all 500 of the US top 500 companies, with the exception of defense and Information Technology companies.

China described as US defense companies as “Departments of the United States,” inefficient and unable to produce goods which meet China’s cost and quality standards. The IT companies, which became famous for their profit-margin-by-outsourcing strategies, were dismissed as being hotbeds of Indian Ideals and Activism. The Chinese spokesman continued, saying that China has its own classification system and did not want to become burdened with a “non-socialist class system from a corrupt and racist sub-continent.” US IT representatives were unavailable for comment

The offer states:

China has decided to liquidate its holding of US Dollars, its Cash and US Government Bonds, in accordance with Modern Monetary Theories of the value of money, and the nature of Cash and Government Bonds.

China’s liquidity in US dollars is about $14 Trillion, and the combined revenues of the US Fortune 500 companies are approximately $1 Trillion US. At an average 5% P/E ratio this values the US Fortune 500 at about 20 Trillion.

China is offering to buy at the highest recorded Market price for any of the F500 over the last 14 days. Shareholders have until the next general meeting of all these companies to consider this offer, and if 51% of the current shareholders agree, China will buy their shares at this public price. China has no intention of replacing current management or changing operations in any way for the foreseeable future, but will working with the Management of each and every company to transform them into Canadian Companies, with majority Chinese ownership.

The reason for the Canadian ownership is because, first China wants to take advantage of the Investor State Dispute Provision embodied in the NAFTA and strengthened in the Trans Pacific Partnership, and will sue the US government if there is any interference in the revenue stream or potential profits of these companies as a result of these friendly takeovers, and second Canadian Law contains fewer loopholes because it is based on principle and not exact wording, and there are fewer loopholes in a legal system based on principle.

China believes that, based on the US’s duplicitous behavior in many areas, it will easily recoup its investment in these companies through the “potential profit damage” provision of TPP regulations soon after the treaty is passed by Congress, and becomes an adjunct to United States Constitution.

China expects to be able to double each company’s profit, and recoup it $14 Trillion investment in under one year, by taking aggressive action against the US Government in NAFTA and later TPP arbitration forums, using loyal Mandarin-speaking arbitration panels, composed of arbitrators loyal to the Chinese State.

In a related announcement, the Chinese Government announced a “luxury compound” being built in Beijing for Chinese nationals with law degrees, and their families, named the Inns of Court (although the translation is ambiguous and could easily mean “The Prison of Courts.”)

These lucky Chinese Lawyers and their families need to be protected from potentially illegal outside pressure as they work their way through TPP trade disputes, and the Chinese state is proud to offer the families protection from unhealthy external pressures.

President Obama welcomed the news; he was quoted as saying, “America is glad to do business with China; they will provide the US with a positive balance of payments.”

In unrelated news, shares of Swiss Banks exploded in a frenzy of buying, and the Swiss Government has expressed concern about speculation in Swiss Bank shares, and tried unsuccessfully to halt the frenzy. It seemed that the source currency for most of these transactions was the US dollar, from the continental US.

After the run on Swiss Bank shares, China announced that it was rethinking its strategy.

It recommended Fraud should be a “look forward not backward” process, and the Chinese version requires the perpetrator to look forward in the summary execution after a speedy one day trial, including appeals.

The second recommendation is shares in all the takeover targets be suspended unit the takeover process is complete, and the change in activity on the US stock casinos [sic] exchanges would only impair gamblers.

The Chinese Government issued a strong clarifying statement: “The Chinese Government had no intention whatsoever on enriching gamblers after tolerating the US’s behavior with its currency over the last 20 years.” Read the rest of this entry →

by Synoia

Obama Announces New War Plan for Iraq

6:32 pm in Uncategorized by Synoia

A bloody, helmeted zombie soldier

“Does the mess hall serve brains?”

Today, the White House has announced a new war plan for Iraq, with a new Secretary of Defense, a new commanding General, and the clear identification of the leader of ISIS (or ISIL), in Northern Iraq.

Obama announced:

We have completed the development of a new rejuvenation technique, where was can now raise Defense Engagement Assets on Demand, also known as The DEAD. These recently resurrected will form a new Army, the 666th Zombie Group, which will be focused on the Middle East.

With this new capability, none of our precious youth need be risked in actual battle. We can use them to fly drones from the safety of their US Bases, and the actual boots on the Ground will be the living dead.

With this new approach, we have eliminated the costs of Medical Evacuations, Medics in the Field, all the medical facilities of the VA, and eliminating active service pay to Zombie troops because they can eat what they kill, so saving billions of tax dollars. And if Zombies get wounded in battle, we don’t have to pay them a pension. Resurrecting old warriors is economical to a fault.

In a response the Singer of the House of Representatives, Cantor Eric, chanted in plainsong:
(SOLO)

We believe the poor minorities, not the DEAD,
Should be in active service for our nation,
Their deaths dignify us all to a very great extent
And provide a distraction for the people,
While we ignore them and do what we want.

CHORUS (ANTIPHONAL)

We republicans will not fund any army
Which does not save money by reducing the poor
Kill them on the beaches; kill them on the streets,
Kill them at home, kill them in wars,
Verily, the VA Medical facilities must endure.
They are in honor of other people’s children being shot,
in schools, or in battle, will kill them young.

CHORUS (UNISON)

Zombies are a false economy, and a Democratic trick.
Amen (sung to a breve, as is common in plainsong.

At which point Cantor Eric lost his primary battle, to a non-singing (or nonsensical) gentile.

He will be missed, but not by much. He may have been consistently wrong while being (R)ight, but he had a great singing voice, following the footsteps of Oliver Twist (Can I have more please?).

A Department of Defense Spokesperson followed Obama’s announcement with the new senior positions to be filled by Zombies:

Read the rest of this entry →

by Synoia

US Suspects Balkan Floods Caused by Al Qaeda

12:31 am in Uncategorized by Synoia

A flooded street in Bosnia

Al-qaeda, is that you?

Satire in response to the devastating floods in the Balkans, where they’ve received 3 months’ rain in 3 days (making California and most of the Western US Jealous), the US Government is on the alert for the perpetrators.

They’re not looking at the Koch brothers (and other climate change deniers), oh no, they are completely innocent and this was no “extreme weather” event. It’s much more sinister.

The NSA has intercepted messages from Al Qaeda of the Balkans — they are stubborn Christian ones, who resisted conversion by the sword for 600 years — because all the wishy-washy Christians have a new label – Followers of Islam. The NSA evidence of malfeasance is beyond credible, and also contains a funding request to eavesdrop on the formation of rain clouds for terrorist activity, given their devastating effect.

When asked to comment Hydrogen Bond, the known ringleader, was unavailable. With clear evidentiary traces of his activities in the atmosphere, rain, and lots of it, the CIA is searching for his home in all possible locations and expects to render him, and place him on ice (or turn him into an absolute zero) as soon as possible.

The Department of Defense is looking for the source of the water raid with drones, and is searching the mountain diligently for 5 or 6 million water tankers, ready to immolate them on the spot. If they are unsuccessful at finding these water tankers, than they will focus on wedding parties, especially ones where beer is served and the water is all downstream of the latrines at these mountain wedding parties.

While the CIA & DoD fly their drones upstream on the lookout for the origin of the waters, the state department is searching foreign government for possible clues. The short list of possible complicit groups of people, include, the Russian Federation, Iran, The Palestinians, Chinese, and North Koreans.

The State Department States:

We believe that this attack was done in preparation for unleashing a similar ‘cloudburst’ on the US. Therefore, our CIA-trained diplomats are searching in every corner of nations who’d wish to embarrass the US with the terrorist attack. Our Special Forces, our Very Special and Totally Righteous Special Forces, as evidenced by their ability to walk on top of the Flood Water while looking for potential interviewees. They will be using a new piece of interview equipment, the new Special, Automatic, Turbine Powered, Mark 27 Ducking Stool. We’ll make them quack!

The Russians are capable of such actions, as their history is steeped in sorrow and tears, which are a likely source of the water. In addition the state department does not trust the Russians not to be converting lake areas of unpopulated Siberia into water vapor secretly, to be blown over Western Europe and thus stimulate the consumption of expensive Russian natural Gas, to reinforce US embarrassment over the way we exploited treated exploited the Ukraine.

According to secret Israeli Intelligence reports, the Palestinians and their Iranian allies have a secret water and cloud generating plant in the pits located in the Dasht-e-Kavir and Kavir-e-Lut. The Israelis state that if the US does not eliminate these dangerous weapons of mass destruction, they will take unilateral action themselves to dry them out, by launching an attack of one million Israeli hairdryers (Tip received from Adam Sandler).

The Chinese are certainly capable of such an attack. Obviously the Chinese have stolen technology from the Weapons of Mass Destruction Programs at US Defense Labs, to lift the water vapor over the Himalaya Mountains – their seizure of Tibet in 1950 shows a clear plan to use the Tibetan Plateau to house the stolen weapons of Mass Destruction, invented in the US Defense Labs in the 1960s.

The North Koreans are known to have this technology, but at this stage are only capable of pissing on South Korea in small amounts. They have neither the capability nor the energy to lift large amount of water anywhere but over the DMZ to Seoul.

The spokesperson concluded:

Read the rest of this entry →

by Synoia

Mafia Annual Report – Supports TPP

11:38 pm in Uncategorized by Synoia

The Mafia’s Leaked annual report from the Federal Government’s Drug Enforcement Agency reveals the Mafia (Organized Crime not Based on Wall St) is behind the scenes and is lobbying hard for the TPP.

Documents show the Major DC Law firm of Capo, Capo, Capo and Hernandez (an Italian America Law firm expanding into business south of the United States) is exercising its lobbying muscle.

The Mafia group are planning a comeback by using the ISIS provisions of the TPP and TTIP.

They believe the so called “trade treaties,” which are really protection policies for the media, financial and pharmaceutical industries are well-suited to their form of business.

Read the rest of this entry →

by Synoia

Americans for Prosperity announces the Neo-Libertarian Platform

7:00 pm in Uncategorized by Synoia

We are working on a plan to maximize their final utility, with system which levies the cost onto generations to come, called Koch Soylent Green.

Following The Koch Supremes’ (The Koch Enterprise’s Band) latest decision on campaign funding, Americans for Prosperity have announced a new neo-libertarian platform for their new acquisition, The House of Representatives.

The announcement includes recognition by America for Prosperity that based on Modern Monetary Theory, Government is the true source of wealth, and taxes are social programs.

The neo-libertarian platform specifies how the wealth created by the Government will be shared by and for the private sector.

A spokesman for Americans for Prosperity described the acquisition and new wealth distribution mechanism:

We acquired the House because we wish to lay-off the complete and ineffectual progressive caucus. They are completely ineffective and a distraction to our platform. In addition they’ll not be missed because they are unable to influence public policy by using their alleged connection to ‘the masses.’ They will be replaced by left leaning libertarians who believe ‘One should help one’s brother, when he can pay for it’. The expenses of the House will be reduced through a permanent travel freeze. No representative needs to travel back to their district, because we are here. The people in the district will lose nothing as they are already not represented.

He continued:

We already own the Senate. It has been a wholly-owned subsidiary of our movement for over 230 years.

The spokesman then explained the new Economic program:

From our analysis, we have discovered that Government is the true source of wealth, and we have many very wealthy Government Contractors as our membership. Government creation of money has worked very well for them, but it needs to be improved. Our new slogan for wealth creation is: ‘From all, to the needs of the best,’ thus permanently embedding the extremes of the current system.

Our ultimate solution for people we will deliberately impoverish (aka: Wretched Poor) is the Job Guarantee and Employer of last resort feature of MMT, and are willing to hire any of the poor who are willing to work for what we want to pay them, as long as they promise to drop dead as soon as they present themselves to one of our Job Guarantee facilities – Walmart, McDonalds, Amazon and other fine socially beneficent institutions. We firmly believe in our new program – No Corpse Left Behind.

We are working on a plan to maximize their final utility, with system which levies the cost onto generations to come, called Koch Soylent Green. In early tests Koch Soylent Green feedstock improved the yield of Koch Nitrogen Plants by 334%.

This will eliminate any discussion of Workhouses or Debtor’s programs, by avoiding out forefathers’ dreadful (unprofitable institutions) mistakes in social planning, by extracting every ounce of profit from our workforce.

Further details of our economic program are contained in our press release, which is available for purchase after this announcement. Because of our libertarian principles, the press release is available in exchange for your firstborn, or $10,000, whichever we value more.

The Neo-Libertarian platform covers many topics. We received a leaked draft, strangely enough entitled “TTP strategy.” For reasons we do not understand, the draft includes a Foreign Policy section, an excerpt of which follows:

The US foreign policy is an application of the rule under which the Neo-Libertarian Empire will operate, and is designed to be constitutionally binding on all signatory states. This makes the signatory state subject to Neo-Libertarian rules, and further enhances our slogan of ‘From all, to the needs of the best, to hell with the rest.’

This provision will entice the rulers of potentially recalcitrant states, who might have some misplaced affection for their own people, to join us in the New American Century.

A domestic policy section contain the flowing statement:

The House of Representatives will become a wholly owned subsidiary of Koch Enterprises, to be renamed Koch Representation, and its products will be branded Koch Democracy. We recommend that the product name be pronounced “Choke Democracy.” The launch will be placed by advertisements on the Fux News Network, (FuNN) and we expect the brain-dead audience to embrace our program until their (very soon) dying breath.

by Synoia

ACLU to File Lawsuit on Behalf of 250,000,000 Americans

9:29 pm in Uncategorized by Synoia

From the wishful thinking department:

In light of a study which indicated congress is not responsive to the people of the United States, but is only responsible to the Wealth and Corporations, the ACLU filed a class action lawsuit today in Federal court. Their legal theory will be “If you are not represented in government as shown by the preponderance of government decisions, you are not represented in fact, and therefore owe the government no taxes.” They will cite various historical events during the American Revolution in support of their argument, along with examples of European majority government.
Read the rest of this entry →

by Synoia

Obama’s Presidential Library Announced: Details

12:28 am in Uncategorized by Synoia

The White House announced today that the site for the Obama Presidential Library will be built in multiple cities, with multiple wings to the library, to continue the momentum of bipartisanship started under the Obama Administration.

A white house spokesman said :

We’re providing the list of cities and wings we can identify. In keeping with the Obama Administration’s promise to be the most transparent administration ever, the complete list is classified.

He continued:

Each Wing of the library will have special access, including a special entrance for donors of more than $1,000,000 and an entrance at the back for the small donors.

The process is not perfect

the spokesman continued wanting to keep his identity concealed

One such library wing, the Special Listening Wing, was offered to Russia, and proposed to be built in Moscow.

However a spokesperson for Vlad the Invader responded Read the rest of this entry →