Ok, so a little disclaimer:  I have been educated here at FDL on a daily basis.  And from the bottom of my brain, I thank you, one and all.  But recently I’ve been noticing a lot of, shall we say, reluctance to acknowledge the “wonder” that is Perry/Bachmann 2012.  First, no offense is meant.  And second, rant to follow, … you have been warned.

(Switch to megalomaniac mad scientist voice …)  But why do they defy me?  Why, if even the Dawgs themselves have so bowed before my feet, do the minions of FDL defy me so?  Do they not know?  Are they not aware?  Is it possible that I, more an idol for worship (Stewie voice: so worship me, worship meeee) than a Dawg, know something they do not?

(Normal voice.)  Actually no.  The answer is once again simple.  So simple your complicated and over-worked brains can’t grasp such a simple level of thinking.  This is where I excel.  Where I live.  This is my home bitches.  Hooray for mediocrity.  (Ya, it’s kinda sad, but it’s Amerika, and mediocrity is the in-thing to be).

You’re thinking too hard about it.  Keep it simple stupid, just like the system and the rest of Amerika.  If you must, if it makes it easier for you, then simplify to the point of absurdity and uselessness, because the rest of Amerika is doing so.

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Paul has as much chance to be nominated as my dog’s left testicle.  And I don’t even have a dog!!! (that’s how likely that is)  The corporate media ignores him.  I mean they literally ignore him.  They skip over his existence on the rankings, even though it’s right in front of them.  A Repub who can’t even get the “balanced” corporate media to acknowledge him … DOA.  Except for the Paulites, he’s got no one.  Heck a bunch of Paulites came out here and alienated most FDLers.  I tried talking to them, and they alienated me.  For trying to talk to them.  I mean WTF?  I wasn’t sure, but at one point I thought these people can’t be recruiting for Paul when they go out of their way OVER AND OVER again to alienate anyone who has things in common to Paul (ie. supposedly anti-war, anti-Fed, …).  If you’re recruiting for Paul, what kind of Fwit would alienate the people they’re trying to recruit.  I’m still not entirely UNconvinced that those so-called Paul-lovers weren’t actually anti-Paul.  Frankly they couldn’t have done a better job at alienating everyone here against Paul.  Paul me once, … well you can’t get Paul-ed again.

So who else?

Romney?  Magic underwear?  RomneyCare, aka ObamaCare, aka insurance industry welfare???  Sure he’s rich.  He’s not totally repulsive, at least superficially (aka if he accidentally surprised me in a dark alley, I wouldn’t shite myself, … who would?, think Rudy Giuliani, or Bachmann, … now people may think Cheney, but that’s not his style, if he wants to “get you”, he will find your family and rendition them, then rendition you as well so you can watch while they torture your family, … he only shoots his “friends” in the face).  Hello?  Romney’s a Mormon.  He’s not even one of the many Xtians subtypes.  And this is still Amerika, home base of the Xtians.  Romney’s there for playtime with the other candidates.  Because unless it comes out he has JC’s picture on his magic underwear, he’s also DOA.

Pawlenty is out.  Too bad, when it was nap time, we could have brought him out.  Think of all the sorely-needed beauty sleep he could have generated …

Huckabee, they’re only true contender, said no a long time ago.  BTW, Huckabee likes to “burn” public records (1, 2, 3).  It’s OK, he’s a Xtian.  They burn things they don’t like.  Like books.  And witches.  Or do they just drown them???  Sorry, haven’t kept up on my research on how to tell if they’re a witch (or not).  And the reason he declined is simple.  Huckabee serves one and only one master – MONEY.  And that Fox gig and all his other “enterprises” pay him a pretty penny.  (I guess he hasn’t read that part about the threading a needle, … beware of the monied men, … and rich people totally suck parts of the Xtian book.)  On the plus side, President Huckabee would have changed education permanently by requiring his “video teachings” be taught as required Gospel in Amerikan Chruches and schools.

Cain, … don’t make me laugh.  I don’t want to elect the pizza “king”.  On the down side, we could have changed the military slogan to “Kinetic action, anywhere in the world, in 30 minutes, or the first drone attack is on us”.  Kinda catchy huh?  No?  Well consider changing first drone attack to first nuke attack … still not catchy?

“The Other Mormon Dude” Huntsman?  Frothy Santorum?  Backtrack thrice-married Gingrich?  3 blind mice?  See how they run … behind the others.  I’m sorry but it is a waste of my time to even consider, yes consider, these jokes, when the other jokes can be considered.  And I don’t care what the straw poll said.  That poll is about as much a joke as O’s “spinelessness” (he ain’t spineless, he’s getting everything he and his masters ever wanted, … the joke is on us).  And if someone mentions Jeb one more time, I’m going to get very angry, … and you don’t want to see me get angry, … and you definitely do not want to see my pony get angry.

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So let’s get to the main event … Perry/Bachmann 2012.  Booyah bitches.  Slogan: Back in black?  The bitch is back?  How you like me now?  Who’s your daddy now, biatch?  Texas, … ya you remember us don’t you?  It’s 3 am, and the phone rings, it’s Cain, he has your pizza, who do you want answering that call?

Perry, JUST LIKE O, is the ultimate politician.  What you see is NOT what you get; he can be whoever you want, kinda like role playing.  Don’t worry about what you hear, in fact ignore it, just verbal excrement, rose-scented, amounting to … nothing … or everything depending on what you want.  Chameleons.  They can change at will.  Change their appearance, minds, will, or anything.  They have no core self.  Their core self is as flexible as ether.  They are brothers from another mother.  Perry was a D once.  O was also.  Both switched parties for the money.  One did it out in the open, and the other did not.  Perry, also like O does have charisma.  If you don’t listen to his words (imagine the teacher from Charlie Brown), then you can see it.  Most Amerikans have no idea what any of them are saying.  They don’t know and they don’t want to know.  I can imagine when they hear Perry or any politician speak, their brains tune it out so it resembles Charlie Brown’s teacher.  That’s why when it’s just slogans or talking points, they nod their head so vigorously, because they’ve heard that before, oh yes they have (probably from Beck or Rush), and so now they feel like they’re part of the conversation and as smart as the speakers, which is probably not that far from the truth in most cases.

Perry has “governing experience“, and boy does he have “it”.  He’s rich.  I like me the richy rich whitey, I sure em do.  Oh ya, he’s white.  And he’s a he.  So we got rich, white, male … so all 3 GOP qualifications have been met.  He’s got the Texas miracle (1, 2, 3).  My Dawg it rains money in Texas.  And all because Perry prayed it to.  If he want the same “miracle” we need him to pray in the WH, so money will fall on all of us, from the sky, from Dawg himself (with that much money, and everyone having it, won’t it be next to worthless??? … don’t worry Perry will pray that problem away as well).  He does Bush better than Bush himself.  See one of his interviews, turn off the volume, and just watch … tell me Amerika doesn’t want to have a bear with this guy?  Because the Amerikan standards for elections are is this guy “beer-worthy”?  It may be sad, but reality is what it is.

So to recap, he’s rich, white, and male.  He has the ability to raise as much campaign bribery as O.  Did I say he was white?!?!?!

And what can I say about Bachmann?  Love her or … well be scared the shite out of her, she’s got play.  A separate piece should be done on her quotes (1, 2, 3, 4), and of course the “cure“.  But can’t top,

“If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.” Michele Bachmann, Jan. 2005

And the scary lady still has play.  Now that’s some serious play.  You can’t roll out that much bat-shite crazy, year after year, still be in the game, year after year, and not have play.

So we have the dream team: Perry (the “sensible one”) / Bachmann (you haven’t seen bat-shite crazy yet) 2012.

(Stewie voice) Well my minions, I have laid out my reasoning, more or less.  I did warn you it was a rant.  Now would either of them had a chance a year ago against O?  And things have gotten worse and their chances have also increased.  In one year, will things have gotten worse?  Will their chances have increased further?  And there you have it.  Discuss.