The eloquent words Dr Meyer uses to describe the constant, everyday hassles, discrimination, and prejudice encountered by gay and lesbian people and couples, especially when they decide to hide or mask who they are in order to avoid same, really struck me: the ‘private hell’ of an inauthentic life.
He’s talking about the context of actual stress, how people find ways to cope with actual and anticipated prejudice or discrimination. To stay safe or simply to ease social intercourse — what plaintiff Kris Perry talked about Monday when she said sometimes she just wanted to buy the microwave from the guy in the store rather than have to come out all over again, and to a person they’ll never likely see again — gays and lesbians mask who we are, which is a huge cognitive effort over time. We are, whether wholely closeted in the workplace or simply masking our relationship when checking into a hotel, lying. And we are lying about a central aspect of our humanity; we are lying about who we love. Or, in the dry dissecting words of the counsel for defendant-intervenors, "express an active erotic or emotional desire for persons of the same sex."
Imagine living like that, if you are straight. Imagine not ever using the word ‘husband’ or ‘wife’ to describe the person to whom you’re married and have a family. Imagine not being able to chime in on your military base when all your mates are talking about their girlfriends, or boyfriends if female.
Imagine, as another plaintiff said on Monday, being denied the common language of partnership in America.
And, further, think about being excluded from associations, events, places, and health and social services specifically designed to serve those of you who are attracted to someone of the incorrect gender, because you don’t want to reveal who you are.
Or if you simply can’t be bothered that day to explain who you two men or two women are: you’re not roommates, you’re not sisters, you’re not buddies, you are not business partners. But why do you need to explain this when the food server asks you at the diner why you’re saving the seat next to you at the coffee shop?
Well, then, why not reveal who you are? Ask Mathew Shepard. Ask Lawrence King. Ask Gwen Araujo.
Oh, wait — we can’t ask them. They are all dead, killed for being people who expressed affection to persons of the ‘incorrect’ gender. Sometimes the ‘private hell’ becomes a public hell, when the hellaciousness turns fatal.
The limiting of self-expression that results from either the fear of (or actual) petty insults or simply the desire to avoid these events is a scary and ongoing aspect of the stress gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people live with every single day.
We need to work to make our world safer. We need to be less concerned about who puts what parts of their body where and with whom. And we simply must allow full access to all civil rights under the law to all people if we are to protect our children from the prejudice and hatefulness of older social forms that perpetuate discrimination.



49 Comments







You are really blossoming in your writing Teddy. It is important for people of all stripes to understand what discrimination does to all communities.
Teddy, you should have included Barry Winchell and Alan Schindler in that list of those we cannot ask because they are dead. Winchell was bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat on an Army post; Schindler was beaten to death by a fellow sailor in the U. S. Navy.
These are just two reasons why efforts to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell are so urgent.
The hopelessness of a young bi-sexual teen, faced with a lifetime of derision and stigmata because of his awakening sexual preference, is tearfully recounted in Bill’s Story by my friend and Bill’s mother, Gabi Clayton in Olympia, WA.
Thank you, Teddy, so very much. I’ve already forwarded it on to friends.
{{{ Teddy }}}
IMVHO, the thing that should be highlighted is the shameful conduct of those who oppose equal rights for all.
I trust that in our lifetime, we will break out the bubbly and celebrate the end of this travesty.
Thank you, Teddy, for sharing. You bring a lot of heart to this whole trial process…helping us learn in so many ways.
Thank you again and again for this eloquent post, Teddy.
Odd, how hard it is for some to grasp that the Golden Rule didn’t come with exceptions….
(((Teddy))) and (((Marcy)))
Teddy you did a great job on the cross late in the day. Good on you.
Eloquent
As a country we do not recognize gay couples as couples because we are not that evolved.Wonder why the cold countries seem to do so much better at the evolved thing?
I retired from NC to ME..upper state ME at that with my partner now of 20 years. Up here in the icy cold we have been recognized as a couple…no big deal. Which is the way we like it. Lesbian is not our entire identity.But it is a part of it. I really do not think that most people are as thoughtful as you Teddy.
My partner and I were going to get married by an old hippy when we thought we could. The ceremony was going to be at “Thirsty Thursday” . My partner was the only woman who has ever attended regularly. It is a night of singing, drinking and horse shoes for the community men. Seems like there is a lot of Irish in their DNA.Maybe that is one reason for the acceptance.
Irish quote “When you lose your reputation, there is a certain freedom in it.”
Heh. Gotta couple-up in those cold climes to stay warm. EVERYONE knows that. It’s the thermometer effect.
What a powerful title. It fits perfectly your subject, but lots of others besides. There are millions of inauthentic lives out there, inauthentic for all sorts of reasons.
Marriage is but part of being able to live as an LGBT person as you would, and as important as marriage is to give the traditional gay culture equal standing.
Each of us gets to choose how we’re going to be free.
It was hell living closeted. But I was lucky to come out as bisexual in my mid 20s the mid 1980s amongst a supportive community in Austin and then to live in the gay Mecca of San Francisco. But even here I had to defend myself with a skateboard against chain wielding skinheads in SOMA.
But nowadays we don’t get much shit even traveling to nature in the American hinterlands. In the rare cases where there is discrimination, when it is raised it is most always dealt with appropriately.
But, you know, I don’t mind if our presence throws some people off. Lots of people have their quirks and have trouble dealing with difference. Being gay still has to be able to be different (to those who choose) from being straight to the extent that cultures arise amongst those who engage in similar sex acts and are attracted to similar people.
Gotta be careful in securing previously hetero rights that we don’t ruin what’s radical and queer about being gay.
This is some dumb sht, imagine never being able to say your husband or wife to the one you love, give me a break. You have homosexuals facing death just for being gay and all you can harp on is a title.
That was really touching and well said, Teddy. Thank you.
Very powerful piece Teddy. Thanks for the insight.
The persecution of the gay and lesbian community, both in and out of the closet, is not unlike how liberals and communists suffered under McCarthyism. The only consolation is that all persecuted groups finally achieve their deeply deserved equality in this country, even though it takes an unjustifiably long time to do so. Your piece is both dispairing and eloquently uplifting.
Bless ya, Teddy P. . . . just bless ya . . . and yours.
Bless ya.
Great writing, Teddy, and great work on the issue. While the killings and gay bashing violence may make the headlines (occasionally), you have given eloquent testimony to “The limiting of self-expression that results from either the fear of (or actual) petty insults or simply the desire to avoid these events” that gay people endure every day of their lives. This quotidian repression takes its toll as seriously as those who have suffered more draconian insults.
The pressure that results from living an inauthentic life can hit all people gay or straight, who, for instance, are working in a job they hate, etc. But there is nothing that cuts to the bone of what makes us human as our sexuality and our wish to love and be loved. When one experiences unreality and anxiety in those realms, one’s whole being is terribly affected. Some people can’t stand the stress of it, and there are those who have even taken their own lives rather than live with that, or with the internalized feelings of hatred because of rejection or vilification from those they loved, grew up with, or from the society around them.
Hopefully this fight will be won soon, and the process of healing and transforming this society towards greater and greater acceptance can move forward.
Marcos, as a non gay white male heterosexual dude, I just don’t understand or agree with all your posits.
My alliances with the gay community lie with what I’ve . . . hmmm . . . with what I know?
With FDL, with the Teddy’s, and Kelly’s . . . .
I have heard your posits and treatsies, all against the mainstream LGBT community, that you have posited.
I think I have a clue as to what you question, as opposed to what’s happening politically.
But frankly, I think you are for a small minority, and you continue to labor for a large community.
And I think, you do a dis service of all that come for you.
But I’m not gay, and I’m not held accountable for gay . . . .
Your fight for the gay in the midst of the gay, continues to confuse me . . .
If Teddy, or Kelly, would address your point of view, I’d be delighted to learn more of your position.
Until they do, I just don’t get it, hoss, I just dont’ get what it is, you spew.
I don’t get it.
Help a hetero out, will ya?
“Help a hetro out”?
WHAT THE FUCK FOR?????!!!!!!!!
Because only when we have succeeded in getting heteros to really understand that it’s more than just money, social recognition, etc., will they stop resisting and start helping.
In other words, unless you are in this for the fight (instead of the goal), it behooves you to respond to bewildered heteros in a way that helps them, as opposed to pushes them away even more.
Even shorter: don’t be a jerk.
I’ll settle for heteros letting go of their impulse to control and deferring to LGBT to be the public face and intellectual authors of our own liberation.
There are many moving parts involved here. Messing with some of them has implications for others.
I’m glad that hets are our allies, but we must remain in the drivers seat and the hets need to sit in the back and let us do the driving and talking.
Otherwise, they become insufferable boors.
The greater fight for LGBT emancipation does not begin nor end with marriage. Being in it for the greater fight requires conceptualizing history, the context of what’s before us right now, and how various threads of activism will play themselves out.
As the marriage fetishists have demonstrated conclusively over the past 20 years, even though you are of good intent, you can really fuck things up if you’re not careful. A record of 0-33 at the ballot box, failure in blue states of CA, NY, ME and NJ, that requires elite hetero white male power lawyers to parachute into our movement to clean things up should be sobering at least.
Words that we all should live by.
The Marriage Fight is not an end in itself but one part of a larger struggle to take LBGT lives seriously.
The biggest Gay Rights Battle has been getting other gays and lesbians to come out of the closet. back in the day pulling teeth was easier. Nowadays out is fast becoming the norm. No reason to marry when you’re in the closet. Wanting to marry is part of being out.
The tension is between being “taken seriously” as queers and having to assimilate to a hetero-normative institution like marriage–you can only be free as queers to the extent you act like hets.
We won the coming out battle in the 1980s, right, about the same time that progressive/queer coalition won on pro-sex against the feminist anti-sex coalition with the conservatives?
The coming pout battle isn’t entirely won. People keep makign excuses for the closet — especially if they’re “public figures.”
No one has to assimilate. Moreover many don’t see marrriage as assimilation at all. It’s a contract recognized by the state. Gay and lesbian couples who have made their lives together need it for reasons that have nothing to do with assimilation and cowtowing to “Norms.”
Do you not think that to a certain extent the things that made gay people un-like heterosexual people are a product of discrimination, and therefore in a society (like ours) where that discrimination is weakening the differences between gay and straight start to weaken/blur?
Europe has had legal equality for decades now, and we’re not seeing a heterosexualization of Europeans. If anything, we’re seeing gay liberation in Europe opening the doors for heteros to be more sexual than they’d been under the Christian marriage regime.
“Europe has had legal equality for decades now” I’m writing from the UK and i’m not sure that this is true
Assuming that the UK is Europe, I’m relying on this:
I find the assertion problematic that the only way for homosexuals to be free is to confine homosex into an acceptable nuptial package.
I’ve traveled throughout Europe, and throughout the world. The notion that most gay men are hunkered down in monogamous relationships is faulty, and establishing that as a normative cornerstone to our emancipation will lead to equally faulty results.
Marriage needs to be one choice amongst many, with one’s rights to an authentic life not depending upon what form of relationship one chooses, if one chooses a relationship at all.
RE: my previous post:
I don’t want you to think I am attacking your view point Marcos, I just was unsure of the details (like Larue). Your subsequent post has made things a lot clearer – not sure it’s my exact opinions, but then if it were i would be ashamed at the homogenous nature of the gay community!!! :) All the best.
Just like the Democrats and Republicans “accurately represent” the politics of Americans simply because they hold public office in a rigged system, the plaintiffs of same sex marriage cases “accurately represent” the politics and culture of LGBT Americans, simply because they have access to resources to file lawsuits and organize.
There are more interests at play here than just those with resources to file lawsuits, and, as usual, they are thrown by the wayside by those who prefer assimilation.
Been there, done that. My wife is noticeably older than me, but we have a vague resemblance to one another.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times and how many places simply assume she is my mother. I have never had anyone assume any other relationship between us.
Worse, because there’s so little acceptance of us and our marriage — and the age difference makes it even more awkward — often we have no choice but to go along with it, especially when traveling abroad.
Thanks for this Teddy. I found myself having similar thoughts and feelings on reading Dr. Meyer’s testimony. I think I’ve become so used to editing that I haven’t even realized the stress that it does put on you.
I live in Louisiana and while my partner and I are thankful to have a great group of family, friends and co-workers who support us — it is all too obvious here that that is not the general sentiment of the population. We rarely have physical contact in public just to avoid potential stares or even confrontation. We’ve joked several times about the forms at the doctor’s or lawyer’s office — check single? or married? or write a long explanation that no one really cares about?
It’s odd that I’ve never really thought that much about it, I guess it’s just life.
Thanks Teddy for this blog…I have taken the liberty to mention this post on my blog(with links back to here) and describing some of our negative life experiences that affect have we live…
Ken
http://rvbirdsofafeather.blogspot.com
Your last sentence resonated with me – ever thought about turning the “protect our children” argument on its head? The fact that children are much more likely to be harmed by bigoted views (whether confronting them or being indoctrinated with them, whether gay or straight) is fairly obvious.
I’m writing from the UK where a recent study showed that gay teens were 6 times more likely to attempt suicide… “PROTECT OUR CHILDREN!!!”
Hetros have had their whole pathetic lives to understand the fact that while they rule the world they are not the only ones who live in it. NOW they want help? CRY ME A RIVER!!!!!!
…but you don’t beat prejudice with prejudice.
I admire your passion but understanding/awareness is our most powerful weapon
Fighting back is “prejudice”?
Pull my other leg — it’s got bells on.
You want “understanding/awareness”? Have you read today’s papers? Do you see what’s going on in Uganda? Do you see what’s going on in your own damned neighborhood?
GO HERE every day and read what the LBGT citizens of the world have to face 24/7.
Maybe I misread it – but i thought that he was just unsure about why Marcos was fighting to keep the gay community ‘different’ (he said “Gotta be careful in securing previously hetero rights that we don’t ruin what’s radical and queer about being gay”)- and to be honest i’m a little unsure too… we can’t be accepted AND be the ‘other’. Larue said “I’d be delighted to learn more of your position”; he’s a straight guy asking for better understanding of the gay community and I think answering “WHAT THE FUCK FOR?????!!!!!!!!” isn’t going to help relations.
I’m a comic book nerd, so i’ll put it like this… I advocate a Charles Xaviar style campaign of understanding rather than your Magnito style war.
“read what the LBGT citizens of the world have to face 24/7″ – Thanks for the link – but I do know of many reputable gay news sites. I am gay myself and work heavily with major gay charities in the UK and Japan, I recently compiled a report on country-by-country LGBT rights across the world. I’m not just mouthing off here :)
That said – I stand by my previous statement that I admire your passion. We need that level of energy to affect change
Well thanks, But I hope you appreciate my anger.
I’m going to be 63 next month and my patience ran out when Harvey Milk was murdered and Dan White got a wrist-slapping for it.
“I hope you appreciate my anger”
I certainly do!
Keep it up
It doesn’t help to paint every hetero as the hateful people who’d love to keep you from having every single right everyone else in the country has. Meeting hate with hate probably isn’t going to help much.
Did anyone read “Bill’s Story,” at the link in my post (second above)??
Yes I read it. Deeply sad — and sadly all-too-typical.
Bill’s Story recounts the assualt and subsequent suicide of a 17-year old bi-sexual teen who killed himself rather than face what Teddy calls “the private hell of an unauthenticated life.”
Bill Clayton became depressed after he was attacked by four other youths because of his perceived sexual orientation. He wondered, “Will it always be like this?”
After his death, his father found a note written by his son. Across a pink triangle Bill had written: “I didn’t ask for this. This is not my choice. It just is.”
It seems that others simply do not understand that simple fact.
When I arrived in SF back in 1989 and began working with ACTUP/SF, I had a rude awakening that the gay community, as it was known back then, was a kilometer long and a millimeter deep. What does that mean? It means that we are only unified by our queerness, and that aside from that, we vary on everything else, just like the general population.
This breadth has been beneficial, in that it has empowered the LGBT community as some of its more privileged members had resources to secure advancement quicker than any other oppressed minority.
But it has had drawbacks as well, in that the privileged are setting the agenda through their resources for the broader constituency.
There are many moving parts here in this complex emancipatory struggle, and unless we take care to do no harm to others, my take is that with the added frustration from losing those campaigns and the compensation to “get it right,” someone is going to get some body parts stuck in the machine, but since it is not our elites, it will literally be no skin off their ass.
I would assert that already, the string of losses on marriage has set the blinking green light signaling that we remain second class citizens, that voters slap us down regularly, and that, in my estimation, lowers the bar to bashing.
Against this backdrop, of course, are our “allies” in the Democrat Party, a political collaboration which has proven itself uniquely qualified to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Meanwhile in Darkest Iowa. . .
Assuming that the UK is Europe, I’m relying on this:
Membership in the European Union not only requires repeal of anti-homosexuality legislation, the Treaty of Amsterdam also requires anti-discrimination legislation to be enacted by its member states
it’s a nice idea but most countries don’t follow it totally.
Also most countries don’t have gay marriage. Legally in the UK we are at about the same point as you guys – we have Civil Partnerships (I’ve got one – i needed it for my japanese husband* to stay in the UK)
*I have an anarchistic attitude to the english language – i’ll use what words i like, when i like! ha!
Point being that there is no indication that, left to our own devices, that the presence of marriage would increase the number of long term monogamous gay relationships.
In Europe, less so in the UK, there are fewer puritan professional minders of other peoples’ business than here in the US.
But here in the US, we’re already seeing the dichotomy play out that if queers want same sex marriage, it is presumed, then we’re going to have to forfeit the aspects of queer sexuality that do not conform to those norms.
I do not believe that it is the intent of same sex marriage proponents to do this, however it is predictable that given the general US neurosis over sex the regular sex panics that go down here to assert heterocentrality of properly regulated sex, moving forward on marriage in this context creates the very real potential for a backlash against those who do not partner up.
And that is more revolutionary than anything the commies had ever thought up because breaking the bonds on the limits that language imposes on our cognition expands the realm of the possible.
Is same-sex marriage anti-queer?
I don’t think so – marriage, whether same or opposite sex, is a lifestyle choice. And it’s one that gay people should be able to make, if we want to. Just like we should be able to lead a wholly celibate life, if we want to. Or spend every weekend in a sex club on a sling, available to all-comers, if we want to. Or somewhere in between. [And as there are phenomona such as divorce and sexually open and celibate marriage, the choices are not mutually exclusive, or even exclusively gay.] Many individuals have moved from one to another to another of the aforementioned choices, whether gay or straight, over the course of their lives.
The problem that Marcos identifies has a name: moralism. Which has nothing to do with morality at all.
Essentially, one has to decide for oneself that gay is wherever one finds oneself and that gay is (at the least, and certainly no worse) as good as the alternatives. I appreciate that can be difficult and sometimes unsafe, but there is no such thing as a free lunch. The closet isn’t free, in any sense of the word. Nor is it safe, as the headline piece confirms.
Also, it simply isn’t necessary to debate issues on the other side’s terms. Or to accept that because the “majority” takes one position, we in the minority have to plead. It doesn’t work, no matter how good one becomes at it, as 0-33 demonstrates. A vocal minority hate us and another larger majority couldn’t care less one way or the other.
To me the point of the Prop 8 trial is to enforce the constitution and once and for all to allow gay people the same relationship rights and respect for those rights as heterosexuals. And to dismantle the barriers that prevent us from deciding for ourselves. It’s not to obtain special rights, or the lesser right to “jump the broomstick” that is domestic partnership. The trial isn’t an invitation for all of us to march blissfully down the aisle or up the town hall steps into a 1950s version of marriage as mandated by NOM, a version which most heterosexuals don’t want for themselves. If one receives that invitation, it is I think perfectly acceptable to send a regret card.