Secretary of The Inferior ™ Ken Salazar has announced that on December 14 Inferior will hold the first lease sale on gas and oil in the Gulf of Mexico since the massive BP spill last year.
Republicans and drill-state Democrats (Hey, Mary Landrieu! Whassup?) have been pressing the White House to resume drilling since it will be good for possible employment for oil spill cleanup crews and out-of-work shrimp boats, not to mention the sale of Corexit: If mistakes were made, and you find yourself faced with one of those pesky little oil spills Corexit is your best friend! It’s the super-emulsifier that hides oil in a jiffy! Spray it on, and dissolves that nasty floating crude into little patches of sheen that no one even notices as it sinks down into sea beds and onto reefs harmlessly. Presto Change-o! And anyway; ya think we’d feed this shrimp to our soldiers if it weren’t safe?
The leases represent the unleased portions of a 20.6 million acre block off the coast of Don’t Mess with Texas. The Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation, and Enforcement (BOEMRE OYESSURE) will be diligent about their new and improved beefed-up safety and environmental rules, you betcha. Industry did NOT influence these new standards. And of course Congress will keep funding them, and their cocaine ways. And means. Nah; that was Mineral Management in Denver, wasn’t it? Blow, bums, and blowjobs?
“This sale is an important step toward a secure energy future that includes safe, environmentally sound development of our domestic energy resources,” Inferior Secretary Ken Salazar said in a statement.
And “Chocolate-Marshmallow Cookie Cereal is part of a complete and balanced breakfast” as long as you throw the cereal in the trash and steam and eat the box. Ketchup is the vegetable nutrition; tastes good on boxes.
The water depth in the lease sale area is between 16 and almost 11,000 feet; the best oil is deep, as God planned it. We are encouraged not to consider His mistake in putting so much of our oil under the sands of the Middle East; we will make that right for Him, come hell or high-water. God save Eric Prince, Dyncorps, and Haliburton! All hail!
No mention was made of Environmental Impact Statements that are soooo burdensome to job creation. When queried by an intrepid reporter, Kenny assured her that the timing had nothing to do with the fact that Tim de Christopher is safely in jail.
In related news:
Energy Secretary Steven Chu on Thursday praised an advisory panel’s report on curbing the environmental risks of natural-gas development while staying mum on whether the administration favors wider regulatory controls. Mum mum mum mum mum mum…
“Ya think I’m an idiot?” Chu asked. “I want to see what the report looks like first; it may give fracking a green light anyway. Oh? I saw it already? It was great! And Sperling already told you that industry can surely accommodate some sane safety regulations! Transparency! Transparency! That’s the byword of this administration; if I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’!!!!”
“I will be working closely with my colleagues in the Administration to review the recommendations and to chart a path for continued development of this vital energy resource in a safe manner,” he added.
“Drilling companies must list some of the 280 possible fracking chemicals that are pumped under high-pressure horizontally into the earth. Fracking does not create hazards; well casing failures do. If you can’t see what goes into the air during the processs, consider it safe. We will buy just enough scientists to make sure that the air is deemed safe enough to breathe in small doses, and they will buy off any landowners who get sick from the toxicity. And STFU about it. Industry lobbyists have spent millions on selling the public on natural gas as a clean and safe alternative, energy source, far safer than tar sands oil. And it’s working.”
The report didn’t wade into how to balance state and federal regulation or detail specific regulatory ideas. Yada yada yada yada yada mumble mumble……
“I received a Nobel Prize in Physics; you can trust me on this. I’m smarter than you are. And better looking.”